AIBU to blame myself for my PFB's issues

[Champagneandthestars]

I recently had DS2 who is the happiest 4 month old you'll ever meet. He's so so different to DS1 who had horrendous reflux (I got no support from family or medical persons and told that babies cry until I pitched up in a dreadful state in my doctor's surgery and refused to leave until they took me seriously)

DS2 had the most laid back water birth on just gas and air, DS1 was epidural back to back vontuse with a week long stay in hospital. He's 4 now and anxious/highly strung and mega sensitive. He's very funny and clever but struggles socially at school as he can be ragey (very sorry after episodes) I went back to work at 5 months with DS1, having a whole year off with DS2. Tried to Gina ford poor old DS1, basically sit cuddling DS2 all day.

Had awful PND with DS1, never been happier with DS2 (though depressed through pregnancy as worried about impact on DS1)

I love DS1 more than words but I feel I have really let him down already - I didn't trust myself and was so tense and upset all the time. Couldn't give two figs for anyone's advice now (my mum is less than encouraging and very critical but this doesn't seem to effect me this time round).

Can I fix what I have done? I feel so awful and that I've ruined DS1 little life already. So much guilt .

You haven't done anything wrong. Your dc just have different personalities (maybe, dc2 is very young yet!) And must mums are more relaxed second time around.

As for dc1 and the rage - what age are they? Ours very common around 2/3

You most certainly have not ruined his life

All children are different. My two are chalk and cheese - they couldn't be more different. There's no way of knowing what is parenting style and what is innate personality and what is just circumstance, so please don't drive yourself mad trying.

You can't parent all of your children exactly the same way, that's a myth. Children's needs differ, and all parents are learning as they go. Give yourself a bloody break, woman

You parent the child you have. You were probably more anxious because of DS1's needs. You had no control over the birth, reflux, PND etc and I'm sure you still did a great job!

My two are EXACTLY the same - even down to the birth experiences! My eldest is high maintenance, over-sensitive, immature for his age and though he's grown out of rages (he's 13) we're having him assessed for ADHD this week as he can't hold his attention for any time at all. He is creative, kind, sporty and sweet-natured though!

My younger son is my zen baby. Two years between them but a completely different child in every respect. Highly intelligent, articulate, laid-back and happy to just 'get along'.

I tortured myself wondering why life was so much harder for DS1 and if it was my fault (especially after PND) for years before finally accepting that they're just massively different children. I think embracing their differences is key - they all have their own strengths but a big for you, I know what you're going through!

Your eldest sounds like a typical eldest child. My dc1 is more anxious, highly strung and perfectionist than chilled out, independent dc2.

Mine were a bit like this- I mentioned it my mother and hers were the other way around. No1 easy, no 2 a nightmare.

Try not to dwell. Just get as much support for DS1 as you can- look up highly sensitive children, attachment parenting, and anxious children. There is loads of great advice out there.

I really recommend signing up to updates from AHA parenting, with Dr Laura Markham. She's fab and helps me reset my attitude every day.

My DS1 is a delightful 21 yr old now. We had a pretty easy teen run, I think because we did all the hard work when he was little.

It's hard to know what's nature and nurture. Try not to feel bad, you did the best you could at the time. It sounds like you have learned from some of your experiences with DS1 eg not Gina Ford-ing your next child.

Yes YABU to blame yourself.

Be kind to yourself OP

I Gina forded (ish) my second- didn't want another one like my first!

however, it only worked because he was laid back in the first place.

You can make the best of your children, and you can ruin them, but they are essentially who they are! As DS1 ages, he gets more and more like his Dad and Uncle. It's uncanny.

Similar story here. I struggled badly with DS1 as a baby in all the ways you describe. DS2 was a poppet although we won't mention the terrible fours stage.
Now adults and I can safely say DS1 has always been high maintenance compared with his brother. Very different personalities.

Dear OP, give yourself a break and enjoy your time with your DS2 and your funny and clever DS1 as well. I've had similarly contrasting babies and if I dwelt too much on what I might have done wrong with DS1 I'd drive myself mad. You can only deal with the child(ren) you have and your circumstances but I'm sure patient understanding and encouragement will go a long way for both of you, and your DS1 may well learn how to be more relaxed from DS2.

Good lord I had no idea it was so common. Ds1 is now in process of being referred for assessment- School have told me what they think it is and of course I’m blaming myself.
But here’s the thing I’ll tell you that I ought to listen to myself- it is absolutely not your fault.
My ds2 is a different kettle of fish from ds1, and much easier going. I had pnd with ds1, struggled immensely. Ds2 kind of just slots in.
Hang in there.

Very similar story here too. Mine are now 21 and 18 - and you know what, I havent ruined DD1 at all! I do however still occasionally feel bad about what a 'bad' mother I was to her when she was little. I dont think she holds it against me, and I have to kick myself quite hard to remember that I was just doing the best I could at the time. You can only do what you do in the time and place, so be KIND to yourself. (and I agree with PP re the teenage years, ours have been an absolute doddle compared to the toddler years - up to about 8 actually - with DD1).

If it helps you pretty much just described me and my older brother as babies except he was born first and was wonderful and i was an absolute nightmare who didnt sleep a night through until i was nearly 3!

So i dont think its anything youve done either time i just think some babies are super chill and some just arent

If it helps you pretty much just described me and my older brother as babies except he was born first and was wonderful and i was an absolute nightmare who didnt sleep a night through until i was nearly 3!

So i dont think its anything youve done either time i just think some babies are super chill and some just arent

OP as PP have said, important you give yourself a break and forgive yourself for the differences in how things have / are working out.

Also very early days with your No2! All kids / people face challenges at different points in their lives.

That said, I do think some of the things you describe can have a lasting impact. I likewise have regrets about how DC1's birth panned out, not least because there was no medical driver other than 'guidelines' which lead to a labour that start off well ending with a lengthy list of interventions.

I similarly was uptight, perhaps PND during the first few months, and now regret some of the techniques I tried.

BUT to the extent that these things have a lasting impact, I also think it is... think fixable is too strong a word but... addressable?

Suggest the following:

1. Get some therapy for your self to work through your own feeling and regrets. Best parenting advice I have ever had is to work on myself. If we face up to address our own issues we are freed to parent better.
2. Read up on babymooning and love bombing. Work out suitable ways to do this with your elder DS. Think what you are describing will have meant some trauma for your first in his early days. This is NOT YOUR FAULT but may have a legacy. I do not subscribe to the suggestion that it can't matter because they don't consciously remember. Everything we have ever experienced is in there somewhere. Offering unconditional love and focus may help address this. Bear in mind that, experts suggest once you start offering that unconditional love and support the first thing that may happen is they open up and show MORE 'bad' behaviours as they start to feel safe and secure enough to release what's inside. Keep going with the love and focus and that will resolve and pass.
3. I recommend the book Calm Parents, Peaceful Kids - written by a child psychologist, has great approaches for nurturing your kids, helping them process their emotions and learn how to manage their behaviour in a gentle and loving way.
4. I've also just started reading Heart to Heart parenting which in its opening chapters has an interesting take on how what happens at birth can have a lasting impact (including explaining why many fathers pass out as their children are born - seeing it triggers the experience of their own birth, which may have been traumatic).

Meant to say, even so, seems likely the differences between your two are also just innate traits. Your elder may always be more sensitive.

And while you may be able to help him cope with and navigate that better, part of moving forward is about accepting and loving him as he is not trying to 'fix' him.

But if you listen to your intuition, I think you will know what of his behaviour is innate, and what he needs help with.

Good luck!

I had twins first time around - and PND. One is high strung and ragey (8 now), the other is sensitive but generally waaaay more chilled out and more inclined to pout than rage. DD3 - no pnd - is a toddler, hugely hugely tantrummy, can be v clingy and is different again. I reckon a child will have the personality they are meant to have no matter what, and some people are just far more demanding than others!

Another parent here with very similar situation and exactly the same worries!

DS1 - emergency C-section, sleep training going wrong, very late taker, learning difficulties (extremely bright in some areas though, but really struggling in others), tantrums. Working very long hours when he was very young, some days he would only see me in the morning for 30 minutes...

DS2 - elected C-section, co-sleeping most of the time, chatterbox, all-rounder and a joy to have.

To add to what others have said above (extremely supportive posts), I decided to stop beating myself over it, and take a proactive approach now - tell DS1 often how much I love him, emphasize his successes and tell him how proud I am of him, lie with him in the evening and chat in the darkness, etc.
I have also finally printed photo books dedicated to each of them separately, putting all the happy moments in. DS1 told me the other day that he had a really happy childhood (he is 12 by the way ;-))

Like pp said look up some attachment parenting techniques. Eg play activities that involve lots of eye contact and positive connection. DS1 may be experiencing difficulties now that may in part result from circumstances that surrounded you both in his early life. It's not your fault - difficult birth, PND, Gina Ford - you were doing your best.
I think you are right to acknowledge that these circumstances could be a factor and try to give to him now what you have given to DS2. You have not ruined his life.

Thankyou so much for all the supportive posts. I have a great relationship with DS1. I love bomb him insesently! I would say I give him more love and attention than DS2 as I feel he needs it. I will try not to blame myself and enjoy my two beautiful and individual boys

I only Gina forded him for 4 days - he hadn't read the book and wouldn't play by the rules!