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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lone parent

8 replies

Starleaf · 14/01/2018 10:25

I have been living with my now three year old at my parents home since my ex and I split 16mths ago. He physically assaulted me causing me to leave in the end, he then harassed myself and my family for several months until the police became involved and he had to stop. He sees his son every other weekend, and Skype twice each week by court order. Skype has never really worked, being so young our son ends the call after only a few minutes. My ex blames me and other family members for this. Other family members of his often become involved, talking disparagingly of me. Weekend pickups/drop off rarely go smoothly. My ex parks at the end of our drive and sends a family member/third party to the door. They are rude, abusive and we're often told that child is crying because they've had such a good time they don't want to come home/leave them. My parents have had to replace doorbells and knocker that have been broken from misuse. At first my mother did hand over, but I have been facilitating myself for sometime now. I asked in email if my ex would do the same, as what is going on at the front door is upsetting our son. I tried to reason that it could only be a good thing for our son if we tried to get on as co parents. He has refused. I also suggested we stop Skype, as it wasn't working and that he see his son for a few hours midweek. Again he refused. My ex knows there is nothing I can do, and has told me in email, if I don't like the arrangement take him back to court. I really don't have the money to take him back to court, and would rather not go to court anyway. Oh and just as a foot note, my ex is self employed, has a four bed house, runs two large cars, has several 5*holidays each year and pays £30pw through the CMS. I don't know what to do next. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
chickensarethebest · 14/01/2018 11:00

It is rubbish about the refusal to support a child but my experience, too. However, as my solicitor aeons ago said there is more than one way to skin a rabbit and actually, you hold all the cards.
You are not going to change him. This behaviour is why you left.
You can only manage what is in front of you. So, how about telling him (in an email) that he needs to text when he arrives and you will walk your son to the car to reduce the stress of handover on your child? Point out as drop off and pick up are at set times, you will be on the look out for them. You can either get someone to walk with you (as witness) or you put your mobile on record and record any exchange. Any abuse - involve the police. Have you thought of going to Woman's Aid or Gingerbread for advice?
Try the repeated record approach, so you shut down anything that is not relevant to the handover. "I am so glad he has a good time with X." take son by hand, close door. Prepare a phrase and repeat.
The skype thing is normal. I have one DS that can't/won't engage and when they were little, they only wanted to talk for about 3 seconds! I used to have to feed the conversation - "Tell Daddy about going to the party." etc. You are not doing this for your ex - this is enabling your DS's relationship with his other parent. Actually, it is less disruption than him visiting and safer for him because your DS gets to be in his home environment. You could even suggest to your ex- that maybe he reads a story i.e. does part of bedtime routine.
If the money really bothers you, inform inland revenue - they love to investigate an unsustainable lifestyle!
It is tough but honestly, life is better without my ex- and his very toxic family. They (the extended family) have become very peripheral and my ex- oddly enough has a much better relationship with our sons than if we had stayed together.

TheHungryDonkey · 14/01/2018 11:31

When my ex kicked off, one piece of advice I was given by Victim Support I think it was was to do drop offs in a public place like Sainsbury’s where he was less likely to be a wanker and if he was it was on camera.

I’ve not needed to do that but a mobile phone camera is a good thing in this situation.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/01/2018 11:58

If the court order doesn't specify length of Skype times just hang up after a couple of minutes

The second anyone says anything rude about you on skype hang up

chickensarethebest · 14/01/2018 12:05

Are they rude to you, about you on skype? If they are, video the skype call! It is parental alientation - they are not allowed to do it; it is a form of abuse.

Starleaf · 14/01/2018 16:37

Thank you all for your advice. I have already suggested I walk our son to his car. He refused and refuses to get out of the car. Members of his family and he himself are sometimes rude, and say disparaging things about me and members of my family during Skype sessions. I am thinking of approaching him next time he comes, and ask in person, for the good of our son, if he would reconsider drop off/collection with me personally. Not sure if this would be the right thing to try?

OP posts:
Thesmallthings · 14/01/2018 16:42

Email him and say if he or his family ate rude to you on Skype that you will just hang up and that you will be recording the calls to protect all members.

chickensarethebest · 14/01/2018 17:05

I agree with Thesmallthings and don't suggest - tell him this is how it is going to be: to avoid damaging your son. Do it all by email - leave yourself a documented trail.
It is really hard standing up to the bullying but it does get better, once you have. The first time you have to follow through, you will be like jelly but you are not doing this for yourself, you are protecting your LO.

Starleaf · 15/01/2018 09:21

Thesmallthings, I have already sent emails saying these things. Everything is fine for a week or two, then the snide remarks start again, during Skype and at the door. I am now thinking of telling him to his face, at the end of our drive where he parks. When he comes at the weekend, that I will hand over to him, and no one else. I will record the conversation. If he refuses I won't allow our son to go. Would leave our son inside with my parents, so he should be unaware of what is going on. Then let my ex take me back to court? Everything I suggest he refuses. He accuses me of not having moved on, and still being bitter. He also accuses my parents of getting involved in things that have nothing to do with them, pretty hard for them not to become involved when we live in their home. I feel we really can't carry on this way, not only for our son and myself, but also my parents. All this upset is affecting us, especially our son, who seems unhappy, rude, angry and insecure much of the time. Over the past few months I have seen a deterioration in his behaviour, he was a happy secure child.

OP posts:
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