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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to discuss plans for the weekend before Saturday morning?

51 replies

Pebbles574 · 13/01/2018 09:34

DH has just said, "Oh, I thought today we could go to look at some sinks and things for the downstairs loo, then grab some lunch in [nearby town] and perhaps go for a walk this afternoon?"

The DCs quickly scarpered with 'sorry, we're revising for mocks' and I'm left to explain to him that I have already planned my Saturday and it includes helping DS2 with some coursework ("can't he do that himself?"- DH), a physio appointment and my tax return!

Now DH is sulking and doesn't seem to understand that we're not all waiting around for him to 'announce' what we will be doing today.
Confused
Now if he'd talked about this earlier in the week, or even yesterday perhaps we could have worked around it, but no, he just suddenly DECLARES this stuff! Confused

OP posts:
imaflippinglostcause · 13/01/2018 10:00

My DH is exactly the same and it INFURIATES me.

He thinks that he dictates the priorities while paying very little attention to hone life at all. And so he expects we will all be waiting for him, Caesar, to wake up on Saturday morning and tell us what to do.

Original poster
Pebbles574 · 13/01/2018 10:02

I think the difference is that my plans don't require him to be involved!

Just to add some context - Saturdays are always our 'getting things done' days for homework/chores etc and we tend to leave Sundays for the family meals/ walks etc, so DH's suggestion is 'unusual' for a Saturday. Normally he's off tinkering with his classic car or at the car wash/ in the garden. It wouldn't be unusual for us both to have a list of things we were planning to do, not all of which we might have remembered to mention!

It's the petulant 'well can't you cancel those things, beacuse what I want to do is clearly more important' attitude that I'm annoyed by.

We're going to my SIL's for lunch tomorrow, which is also why I'd made plans for today.

OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 13/01/2018 10:03

Well neither of you had told each other your plans so maybe you're both a bit in the wrong?

FWIW, I'd go with his plans - lunch and a walk sound more interesting than completing your tax return! Wink Although looking at sinks isn't too enthralling!

StuntNun · 13/01/2018 10:04

He's sulking because he doesn't like being called on using his male privilege. He unconsciously believes (because society has conditioned him to do so) that he is the leader of the household and that the family will fit in around him.

0hCrepe · 13/01/2018 10:06

OP yanbu. He can’t tell you what you’re doig and then get in a huff because you’d already got plans, especially as your things are actually about supporting your kids. For those saying she should have told him earlier, she’s not the one with a problem that dh isn’t going along with what she’s decided for him! He’s free to do what he likes!

PocketCoffeeEspresso · 13/01/2018 10:14

But haven’t you just “DECLARED” your plans to him?!

Yes, her plans, for her!

Not her plans for him - he can still do what he wants, but she already has stuff to be doing.

My DP can be a bit the same - it's like he thinks we all sit in a cupboard waiting for his return rather than have our own lives and interests.

PocketCoffeeEspresso · 13/01/2018 10:15

FWIW, I'd go with his plans - lunch and a walk sound more interesting than completing your tax return! wink Although looking at sinks isn't too enthralling!

Yes, but then she'll have to fit in doing the tax return at some other point - walking around and lunch might be more fun, but tax returns need to be done (mine too) or the inland revenue will be after you.

Original poster
Pebbles574 · 13/01/2018 10:16

it's like he thinks we all sit in a cupboard waiting for his return rather than have our own lives and interests

Grin - yes exactly this! It's so 1950s isn't it? That the little wifey is just waiting for her marvellous great man to decide everything for her...

OP posts:
Trashboat · 13/01/2018 10:19

OH is very spontaneous

Please say that his spontaneity does not involve 'looking for sinks' 😂

Just get one off the internet OP.

Aside from watching paint dry, that sounds like the dullest thing on earth.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/01/2018 10:20

Well neither of you had told each other your plans so maybe you're both a bit in the wrong?

Grin

absolutely not.

Both people are free to do what they wish, and have made plans. One person is getting on with the plans. The other person's idea of 'making plans' is to try and tell the rest of the family what he's decided they'll all do? Hahaha. No, not the same thing Grin

Original poster
Pebbles574 · 13/01/2018 10:21

The other thing is that the things on my list are all urgent and/or important in my opinion, whereas his are neither.

I don't like to be out all day when the DCs are revising either - I like to be around/ available to provide moral support/ food & drinks/ testing (if required). DH doesn't see or understand this.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 13/01/2018 10:23

No, one of the joys of Saturdays is him returning from the dog run, making tea and toast and then sitting in bed together planning our day.

diddl · 13/01/2018 10:23

Sulking is ridiculous!

Depending on your appointment you might be able to do something that he has suggested if you want & would have time.

I'd skip the sinks & loos!

Original poster
Pebbles574 · 13/01/2018 10:39

It seems that just opting for a bit of the day (like lunch!) isn't an option. DH had clearly planned this all out in his head - it involves driving about 45 mins to a retail park which has several bathroom type outlets, then driving another 25-30 minutes to a quaint market town for lunch, then going for a walk in a nearby country park before driving home (about 50 mins). It's a big loop, mapped out in his head... the whole thing would take 5-6 hours (i.e. all day).
It's clearly an excuse to take his classic car out for a drive, and he's annoyed because I'm not fitting in with his plans!

(I suggested we could pop out to local pub for lunch, but got "what's the point of that?")

OP posts:
Bowerbird5 · 13/01/2018 10:44

My DH does this too. He works away from home for weeks then comes back and expects me to drop everything on a weekend because he has woken up with a plan! Drives me bonkers too.

I would tell him to go look at the sinks while you help DC and ask him to bring back baguettes for everyone so you can have lunch together then tax returns. Maybe a family game tonight.

If Op has had appointment for Physio for three weeks then he should have known this bit. I bet he wasn't listening after last weeks visit.
My DH assumes I don't have a life while he is away then instead of asking me if I have anything on he gets huffy if I don't fall in with his plans. I don't shelve my friends for him because they are here for me when he isn't. Yes, some are stuck in the 50's. Love the image of sitting in the cupboard till he returns Grin

FizzyGreenWater · 13/01/2018 10:46

You just shrug and say 'If by 'plans' you mean inviting people to an entire planned-out day you've decided on in advance, you really need to check that they're free, and/or give them a bit of notice.'

llangennith · 13/01/2018 10:51

Sounds very familiar. Why do some people assume their partner’s time is theirs?
Every single Friday evening ask your partner if he has any plans for the weekend and then tell him your own plans. Hopefully he’ll get the message.

ForalltheSaints · 13/01/2018 10:53

Some people either are unable to plan ahead, or are poor communicators. I sometimes wonder if lack of planning ahead is a trait some have in the same way as some other people have no sense of direction, and others cannot be on time for anything.

GinnyJumperoo · 13/01/2018 10:59

Wish my DH would formulate any kind of plan for anything. He, and our two under 3s, look at me on a Saturday morning like "so what's the plan today?"

timeisnotaline · 13/01/2018 11:04

The ops plane involve her and the dc, they leave the dp free. The dps plans involve everyone jumping up and saying yay daddy lets go! Quite different consultation levels needed, not to mention the op has mentioned her plans and dp not paid any attention. Helping with coursework is fine , the op has explained the dyspraxia and I would be annoyed that dh was not on the same page as me regarding that and had factored it in himself, as he is their dad and I’m not his external brain.

honeylulu · 13/01/2018 11:27

I had some sympathy for him initially as i am quite similar at weekends. I hate being holed up at home all day (and so do the kids), no matter how many chores and admin need doing. Often i suggest that we go out somewhere but he comes out worth a long list of chores he has to do. The thing that really annoys me is the stuff he wants to do could all be done in a couple of hours but he does one thing, sits around reading the paper for an hour, does something else, has a lay down, does something else. Usually i end up taking the kids out on my own while he relaxes and potters.

However this bit:
the whole thing would take 5-6 hours (i.e. all day).
It's clearly an excuse to take his classic car out for a drive, and he's annoyed because I'm not fitting in with his plans!
(I suggested we could pop out to local pub for lunch, but got "what's the point of that?")

He's not willing to compromise at all is he? Rude and thoughtless.

TakeTheCrown · 13/01/2018 11:47

Is he unable to compromise and go tomorrow?

BishBoshBashBop · 13/01/2018 11:51

I don't like to be out all day when the DCs are revising either - I like to be around/ available to provide moral support/ food & drinks/ testing (if required). DH doesn't see or understand this.

Well that varies from child to child. Both me and now my DC would find it distracting and unnecessary to have someone ganging around for 'support'

diddl · 13/01/2018 12:49

"(I suggested we could pop out to local pub for lunch, but got "what's the point of that?")"

Oh, I couldn't be doing with the all or nothing crap!

GottaBeStrong · 13/01/2018 13:38

His day sounds nice. Can't you do it tomorrow?