To think it's ok to say no to a child?

[MardyMarie]

My 2 year old is boisterous and I redirect where I can and save the word no for when I really mean it. This generally means she listens and stops when she hears it. Her dad seems to have a phobia of saying no to her. The main things it's necessary to say it over are being too rough with the baby, being boisterous around the dog and hand holding near roads.

If she is being too rough with the baby, her dad will pick the baby up and move him away. If she's being boisterous around the dog he'll shut the dog away. If she goes to cross the road without a hand he'll either follow her or pick her up to stop her. He never addresses the issue of what she shouldn't be doing.

He thinks I'm expecting too much from her but she isn't far off being 3 and she mostly listens to me when I say no. I don't see how she'll ever learn to do the right thing (I.e. be gentle around the baby and dog) if we don't encourage her to do so and just keep protecting her from being in the situation. AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable at all! I have almost 2 year old twins and I tell them no, they understand what it means and 90% of the time respect it. They also tell each other no if one is being naughty or trying to bite the other

Of course YANBU.
Children need to learn. The younger they start to learn, then generally the sooner they will understand it.

You need to sit and have a chat with him about your parenting techniques and come to an arrangement on how you will both do it. Either that or you'll end up with a toddler who plays one parent off against the other.

I think this is a chat most people forget to have before having kids and it can be quite damaging to relationships when parents don't agree on discipline or boundaries. The kid comes first obviously but the parents don't agree and it can cause resentment with both parents, not good at all.

I say no every fourth word! Yanbu

I can see this from both points of view OP. You want her to behave appropriately and your partner wants to limit using "No". I am more on your side though. You might find she will learn by your telling her what the desired behaviour is, what you expect of her. For example, "be gentle with the baby" ," hold hands at the road" and show her how to do it, rather than saying "no" which I think young children can understand, but they don't really understand why.

Your both learning op and there is no right or wrong.

You do what you feel best and dh is doing what he feels best. The main thing is that your both doing it for your dc and out of love and with the expectation that it'll teach your dc right from wrong

Sometimes you'll be right, sometimes your dh will be right, sometimes both right and sometimes neither will be right either

There's nothing wrong in saying no and there's nothing wrong in the distraction technique that she is doing.... sounds like perfectly normal parenting to me

Don't otherthink parenting. Most of it is entirely instinctual to the individual parent.
Your both doing an amazing job

Enjoy

DH is ridiculous. My ten month old understands and complies when I tell him to stop something in a stern voice. By two she definitely knows.

my identity - today, for example. He was washing his hands and I was washing up in the other room. She was poking the baby and he was starting to grumble. Her dad kept saying 'why don't you do this/come here/let's have a race' ect. She just ignores him and persists. I said 'DD, he doesn't like you poking him. Please stop and be gentle with him.' She stopped, stroked him then walked away to do something else. She doesn't get upset at being told not to do something, she just seems to forget and get over excited and needs to be reminded so I don't see why he finds it so difficult.

Judging by your last post OP I feel like you have a more hands on parenting approach and you are more strict, whereas your OH prefers to use the distraction technique to avoid conflict and tantrums. Could you both use a mixture? E.g 'no DD poking the baby isn't nice let's go and colour a picture/read a book instead'. That way your DD isn't being 'told off' (which I think your DH sees it as) but warned and taken away from the situation. Would that be easier for you and your DH to follow, and could it possibly avoid arguing over parenting styles.

YANBU by telling your almost 3 year old No. How is she going to learn right from wrong or safe from unsafe if she's not told.
She's going to get told No when she starts school anyway.

YANBU at all, DC need to understand being gentle and not going near the road, once she gets to nursery/school they won't move the other children if she is the one playing too rough.

Obviously saying no is fine. Distraction is also a perfectly valid technique. If I didn't distract my son I'd be saying no constantly so use a variety of techniques. It just sounds as if you and your partner have different styles and you need to have a conversation after the children have gone to bed. Neither of you are wrong.

However, this; I don't see why he finds it so difficult sounds a tad bitchy. Im sure he's doing a good job, just different to how you do it. Doesn't mean he finds it "so difficult".

I think it's not just fine to say no, it's essential. It's a life lesson. It gives them boundaries. Good boundaries help a child feel safe.

People who won't say no to their children are setting them up for failure in later life IMO.

DH and I parent differently, probably because we've very different temperaments and characters, but also because he works away so doesn't want confrontation when he is home. He'd do similar when DS2 was small in terms of using a physical action to remove the danger rather than tell DS2 how to behave around the danger.

As DS2 has got older DH has learned to say "I need you to..." or "we can't do that now" but still rarely uses "no". Oddly though he and DS2 get along just fine and DS2 understands DH's boundaries just as well as he understands my regular, blunt "no". I think so long as you're both united in what you expect your different parenting styles shouldn't cause friction with one another.

DH and I parent in different ways but absolutely have one another's backs; if the DCs get short shrift from him they don't run to me expecting a better answer. We've learned over the years that solidarity between the adults can make parenting much easier, and I've learned that just because DH is gentler than I am it doesn't mean he gives way to them more, it just means he reaches the same outcome via a different path.

Well said Cavelady67 Spot on!

God, I said no to my 3yo about 18 times in Sainsbury’s today! He has very definite ideas about what belongs in our weekly shopping!

Gosh I wish more people would say no to their children! I think it’s important to explain why you are saying no by the way, my DD would get frustrated when we told her No or Don’t do that, but would accept it better when we have the reason. So instead of “stop running”, it would be “stop running, the floor is wet and you could slip and hurt”.

What HonkyWonkWoman said.

When will he decide the time is right to start saying no? When she wants chocolate for breakfast? When she paints on the walls? When she is 8 and wants to go out and play instead of eating her dinner/ doing homework? When she is 12 and says she will stay at home instead of going to school? etc etc?

How is she going to cope with the drama of hearing no at nursery/ school/from another adult?

He is doing her, himself, you, and the world in general no favours at all.

YADNBU

I say “no” to 15 month old DD several times a day:

No, we don’t roll on the changing mat
No, we don’t scratch
No, we don’t throw food
Etc.

As much as I believe in distracting a child if they’re in a generally bad mood, they also need to know that some thing are dangerous, that they mustn’t hurt people, shouldn’t waste their dinner.

Reading that there are parents who have made a conscious decision to never say no to their child, made me think of this thread where the OP thinks everyone should help her look after her child in the supermarket because she won't stop him doing what he shouldn't.