to have moved in with OH so soon - feeling confused!

[Idesofmarchant]

Basically incredibly drained and exhausted. Don't laugh but... I met current partner very recently as he took room I was letting and we realised very quickly that we very much liked one another. He's a wonderful guy - kind, steady, dependable, responsible, sweet, sexy, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, easygoing. My family love him and from the beginning we have imagined and talked about a future together. My initial feeling when we started dating was that one of us should move out - but was reassured by the conversations we had that we could make it work, and in the event we found that we were mostly sharing one space anyway with the other barely used. For the most part it has been great, but I'm beginning to wonder if I've / we've been naive and it's been a mistake enmeshing our lives so soon. We've pretty much lived together as a couple from the very beginning and from my side, when I think of it, space has always been an issue. I have been single for years and quite independent - I've moved around and work for myself. In a way I've built my life around being free and independent. He was single for a very short while following a five year relationship. Increasingly and especially recently - the last week - I've found myself snappy, impatient, irritable, etc. Yesterday we went out and I broached the topic of the amount of time we spend together and asked how he'd been finding things. He got defensive and upset and in turn I also got upset. He's sensitive and thoughtful to the point of second guessing what I'm trying to get at and shortcircuiting the possibility of an honest convo. We do try to be open and talk things through. But yesterday I was shocked at how awful I felt - sick, trapped, depressed, unable to solve anything. I wonder if it's all been a big mistake. I wonder if we're not right for each other or if this is obviously just a pressured way of going about things. I feel in a way that I'd like to back track and live in our own places while we establish the relationship and grow more gently together but this feels like a taboo suggestion. I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees. Please be kind I'm feeling rather bruised! What should I do and how do I move forward?

If he's not prepared to listen to you and discuss things then I'm sorry, but you've got a problem.

Is it that he doesn't want to look for somewhere else to live?

How do you split bills now?

He sounds like a lovely man but you both seem to be moving very fast. As someone who also enjoys her own personal space I would broach the topic of living separately again. But perhaps make it known it's not because you're not keen on him, you just don't want things to go too fast to the point where the relationship fizzles out. Hope you manage to sort things out

He pays me rent and I pay bills, as offered in initial advert! He's very reasonable but I feel like, and he's admitted, that talking about 'space' is something (the one blind spot) that he gets irrationally defensive about. But he is very willing to work together and problem solve. I feel like we're both suffering with the lack of space and perspective from living in each other's pockets. I wonder if it's unreasonable to think you can live together from the start and make it work - are we setting ourselves up for difficulties here? I've found it quite stressful in some ways, although also great in others of course.

Is it your home and he's renting a room?

Myaim - yes. Although he's now renting a smaller room which we're essentially keeping in the loop as a spare room that we both use. We share a big room with our own workspaces in too. I work from home and only have a few friends nearby - socially I feel a bit isolated as I moved to the city relatively recently and don't feel very established in terms of a social circle. He has lived in the local area for over a decade.

So this big room that you're sharing with your workspaces in - is this actually your room? If he was just a friend, would you actually have a lot more space? It sounds as though he's getting a lot more for his money than you/he thought when he first moved in.

I know there are people on here who've lived together from the first date but I wouldn't want someone moving into my space that quickly - if at all! I'd prefer to find somewhere together to move into. In his position, too, he must feel that it's not really his place.

I don't know what you can do to change this now. Would you prefer to live in separate places altogether? Do you think your relationship would survive?

Can you carve out some time apart - in the evening with friends or hobbies?

Does he go out and about and do things or is he always at home?

I'm not sure what the problem is about space. Is it that you had yours clearly marked out and had expected a lodger to fit into the space that was on offer, but as you're now in a relationship the boundaries are blurring and you're feeling a bit invaded?

What sort of ages are you and why was he in the market for a room in a house?

People who try to second guess how you are feeling and head it off are not, IME, caring and sensitive but controlling and gas-lighting - they tend to try to tell you not only how they think you ARE feeling but how you SHOULD be feeling and I suspect that is what you are starting to find.

Tell him you want to get to know him without the pressure and can he please find another room to rent (where he doesn't shag his landlady) and you date and see how it works out.

If he wants it to work, he will agree. If this seems 'taboo' or he refuses/won't talk about it then no, he is not a lovely, caring, sensitive person - he is a user.

Trust what your body is telling you, Ides.

Either he's a lodger/tenant or he's your live in partner - you need to decide which it is and establish your boundaries from there.

Although he's now renting a smaller room which we're essentially keeping in the loop as a spare room that we both use
Why? He's paying you as per the original contract so he needs to stick to the agreement and move back into his room with all his stuff.
That will give you so much needed space straight away.

This way you can decide when you want to share your bed/personal space and you have more 'personal' freedom.

We share a big room with our own workspaces in too. I work from home
Was a shared work space in the original agreement?
If not then he needs to use his own bedroom that he pays for - not your personal space.

You really do need to sit down and have a frank conversation about boundaries and expectations - and fairness.
He's behaving like your live in partner but not contributing/sharing finances or bills like he should be doing if that is the case.
What about other areas of responsibility, such as housework/household admin etc?
Does he share this equally or does it all/majority fall to you by default?

Thanks Afistfullofdolores - appreciate this, good advice

HJ - we have of course had conversations about how to do things, and since we'd started talking about marriage etc further on down the line, it seemed inevitable we'd live together at some point. We were basically living in one room anyway so financially it made sense for him to then take the smaller room as an intermediate / transition move. In terms of housework he actually does more than me, marginally.

He actually contributes more financially than I do, also - that's why I have lodgers. I pay bills and this seems fair at the moment.

I think you know you need to slow down with this. You've gone straight into living together without any time to really get to know each other in your own spaces.

You say you're talking about getting married, so you're obviously in it for the longhaul. Why not suggest that you spend a year living separately to see how you get on. If everything's good then, you can look again at living together - perhaps then you could look for somewhere together and have a fresh start.

you can live together from the start and make it work, but you aren't. Its not working, and thats ok.

Myaim and weepingangel - thanks both, really appreciated

Do you have another lodger then, in his 'old' room?