I'm not sure how to advise my friend

[PonyPals]

My friend has 3 DC with severe ADS and is really struggling with looking after them. Both her and her husband talk about how their life is hard and they don't see a way out.

I don't understand exactly what they are going through as it is their life but I am trying to be supportive and be there for them.

They have started to talk about having a 4th DC and there seems to be a strong chance that there could be some SN issues.

They are asking me for my opinion. I am saying it's their life but I can't understand why they would want to have a 4th child considering that they are just not copying with their current 3 children.

Why would they want this? If they are struggling why have more children. I can't help but feel sorry for their current dc as they need as much attention as possible and a 4th child will just make it that much harder.
Should I say how I really feel?

Maybe a part of them unconsciously is looking for a non ASD child (I’m not saying this is right or wrong by the way; just thinking) so they get to have that experience. I agree with you though, if they’re already struggling adding another child into the mix won’t help at all.

Most definitely your should since they have asked for your opinion.

If they want your opinion then I think you should be honest.

An unsolicited opinion would be another story but clearly they value your view on it

Maybe instead of telling her you think it would be a mistake, maybe ask some questions about what their plans would be for their existing children during her pregnancy and after recovering from birth? Are they going to look at getting more childcare? Will it impact of either of their ability to work? Are there are other support services that they could avail of?

It might be that they’ve thought all these things through already and made a decision after deciding that they can put some changes in place that would help them cope. If not, it might prompt them to think about the reality of having a fourth when they’re struggling with the three they have.

If what they focus on with you is that they struggle, and that life is very difficult, then I think giving them an honest opinion is necessary. It doesn't have to be an awful conversation but I'd certainly be asking a)why they are considering a 4th - which is difficult for most families I imagine, and b)why they have asked you for your opinion opinion.

I don't think it sounds like the right decision if life is already hard, unless they're thinking ahead until the youngest child is settled at school.

Difficult.

They have asked for your opinion, I think you should say what you’ve said here. You’re not being rude or judging them. It sounds like they’re looking for someone else to tell them all of reasons why shouldn’t that they already know themselves, to take the rose-tinted glasses off.

Do you support your friend in way that she couldnt do without you? For example if you help out with childcare on a regular basis would pointing out that a 4th wouldnt work for you and that they would have to consider finding alternative when making their decision to have another baby? I would certainly ask lots of specific question about how they would cope and if they asked my opinion i would gently let them know that you dont think it would work and give your reasons.