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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel anxious about DM looking after DD?

19 replies

MissBax · 11/01/2018 08:16

DD is 4 months old, so it won't be for a while yet, but DM keeps making comments about how she can't wait to help with childcare when I return to work.
Although this would be ideal in a lot of ways, and I want DD and DM to bond and be close, I have alot of anxiety about it.
DM is very clumsy - trips over alot, she has broken her arm twice within a year falling over, she locks herself out of her house, walks into the road without looking properly etc. She paces at 100 mph and is in her own head alot so doesn't notice things happening around her.
She has a dog that is manic - a cockapoo - I'm not worried about the dog intentionally hurting DD, but the dog barks and jumps up ALOT so I've no doubt that it would knock DD over, it also gets under DM's feet and is probably one of the causes of her trips. I was visiting DM yesterday and the dog broke a plate and a lightbulb during my visit of 2 hours.
DM also doesn't hold/support DD that well - she looks uncomfortable doing it and as DD had a propensity to fling herself around alot, there have been several times she's almost slipped out of DMs hold.
I have spoken to DM about this, for example, when she's holding her. Said 'can you please hold her firmly', 'she needs to be supported more' etc, but even if she appears to listen at the time, the next time I see her she does it again.
I know alot of people will say "well she raised you and you turned out okay". Yes that's true but it was over 30 years ago and I'm an only child. It's been a long time since DM was responsible for a child, and I just don't know whether I have that much confidence in her.
I don't know how to have a conversation with her about it, without really upsetting her - I'm her only child, and DD her only grandchild and it'll really upset her to know I feel like this. WWYD??

OP posts:

hattiehollow · 11/01/2018 08:38

Listen to your instincts. You don’t need to spell it out to her, but neither do you have to leave your DD with her unsupervised. It certainly doesn’t sound safe at the moment. Perhaps when DD is a little older and able to manage herself they will be able to have an independent relationship, but while she’s still little, it sounds safer if someone else is there.
My grandmother used to come over a day each week when I was working from home and play with my DC, but I was still there if needed. That worked pretty well for us all. She felt useful and included (she was), she got to build a lovely relationship with my DC and I wasn’t worried about leaving them unsupervised. Even if you can’t work from home, maybe a day a week while you get on with chores would be a compromise?

VimFuego101 · 11/01/2018 08:39

The dog alone would be reason enough for me to say no to this.

toomuchtooold · 11/01/2018 08:39

I think it depends what you want to do. Are you hoping that you might be able to influence her to do things the way you want, or would you rather, if it wasn't for hurting her feelings, have her not look after your DD unsupervised? If the latter, can you get professional childcare lined up and spare her feelings by saying sth like the childcare was full time or nothing?
Also, is there the possibility that she could look after your DD when she's older, like when she's in school? I reckon by 4 yo, a lot of the issues wouldn't be a problem.

EggsonHeads · 11/01/2018 08:41

I wouldn't be comfortable leaving a young child with someone like that either.

butterfly56 · 11/01/2018 08:45

I found it really difficult looking after my GCs when they were babies even for a few hours.
I found picking them up from nursery and then after school having them for a few hours in the afternoon was much more manageable but my health isn't very good anyway.
If you also discuss with her how you think it would be too much while baby is so young.
Maybe better to look at her having little one when they are a toddler or pre school for a day a week or perhaps picking up little one from nursery for you.

Original poster

MissBax · 11/01/2018 08:51

Yes, I think when DD is a bit older it would be better. The thing is, when I was pregnant I had said how good it will be to have her there to help with childcare when I return to work, so I don't know how to tell her "actually I don't think you'll be able to now". Any ideas how to word something like that??

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 11/01/2018 08:55

How old is she?

lookingforthecorkscrew · 11/01/2018 08:55

Tell her the childcare provision that you’ve chosen requires a minimum amount of days/hours, so you might as well get what you’re paying for. Tiny white lies like this save a lot of face!

Original poster

MissBax · 11/01/2018 08:59

Nanny - she's 65

looking - that's a good idea but I know MIL is keen to do a day of childcare aswell and I have more faith in her (her job requires her to work with children so she's very competent), and I don't know how we could let MIL help out and not DM!

OP posts:

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 11/01/2018 09:00

Has your DM always been like this? If not, those behaviours and accidents sound like a lot of early warning signs for dementia :(

tattyheadsmum · 11/01/2018 09:03

I had exactly the same concerns as you OP when I started leaving my DS with my mother. I had my DS quite late (in my 40s) and so she's now in her 70s but was adamant that she was going to have him one day a week. My mum is incredibly scatterbrained too.

I started having her come over for a day when I was on maternity leave, so that she could get used to how things are done now (i.e. not just leaving prams in gardens ) and have a bit of a "practice". That made me feel a bit more comfortable when I eventually went back to work.

I've also set a few ground rules. I don't let her drive him anywhere, for example, because, frankly, she drives like a crazy person. She's perfectly happy with that and likes pottering around our house with him anyway. I'd suggest you have her come to your house and do the caring there, leaving the dog at home; I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

There are some things that my mum does really well though - for example, my DS naps like a dream for her (she's watches an awful lot of Super Nanny these days so she's picked up loads of great tips from there). So there are positives. Hope you get it sorted in a way that makes you feel comfortable.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 11/01/2018 09:06

You say that you’ve chosen x nursery or childminder but you’re so grateful to know your DM will be there for emergencies.

Letting your mum do the bulk of the childcare when you don’t trust her, simply to not offend her, will lead to awful stress and heartache for you. Don’t do it. And don’t promise to take up her offer when the baby is older. FWIW there’s no way anyone with a badly trained dog in the house would ever be looking after a child of mine.

ChasedByBees · 11/01/2018 09:11

In our situation I’d rather upset the DM momentarily than endanger the child. It’s not like they won’t have a relationship, she just won’t do childcare. I think if you get MIL to do a day though, that could be very hurtful.

The dog alone is a good enough reason though.

ChasedByBees · 11/01/2018 09:12

In your situation

bobstersmum · 11/01/2018 09:13

Only read halfway and that was enough, do not let her have your daughter!

TeenTimesTwo · 11/01/2018 09:17

You could sell this so your DM is getting the 'better' deal.

I don't want to restrict your freedom
I want you to have a GM-GD relationship, if you are doing regular care you'll need to be more strict.
It would really help me knowing I always have you as backup if MIL is ill or on holiday.

But the dog would worry me ...

Ilovecamping · 11/01/2018 09:34

You have to go with your instincts, have you thought about having your DM look after the baby for an hour at your house, whilst you just pop out, to see how she gets on. Having the dog around is a no no definitely.
I look after my GS one day a week since DD went back to work, after 3 months we had a big trauma within the family which led to me crashing mentally, I was scared I wouldn't be allowed to look after my GS but my DD was wonderful and kept the faith, he gave me a positive in my life at a very difficult time.

LoveProsecco · 11/01/2018 09:52

I agree with alternate childcare & saying to be kind it was contractual. However if she tries to convince you to have DD for a day explain as she gets bigger, heavier & more mobile it's good to know if it had been too much you don't need to get alternate childcare down the line.

Our parents are younger, more safety conscious & don't have to contend with pets. However they are still exhausted after a day of testing about after my one year old! He's heavy, hates nappy changes, wriggly, very mobile & determined to leave toys everywhere!

HazelBite · 11/01/2018 10:10

Speaking as someone of your Mothers generation what would worry me is that it has been a long time since she dealt with "a baby".
One of my friends , (who has always looked after little ones) found it physically exhausting looking after her grandaughter and very limiting.
Her whole life revolved around this child, she had no time to do any of her own activities. She needed a days rest after looking after her as a toddler for half a day!
I would let your Mum look after your DD at your house (absolutely NO dog, not fair on child or dog) and let her feel the reality of it all she might change her mind when reality hits.

I am a dog lover but no way would I let a dog that has not grown up as a puppy with young children, be around, with a possibility of being left alone, with a small child.

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