How to be assertive

[ZambiaZoe]

Posting here for traffic.

So my New Year's Resolution is to be more assertive both personally and professionally so- not be a doormat, not let people talk to me like I am an idiot, stand up for myself a bit more.

My first test was at work this week. A colleague got upset with me for copying in another team member in an email. She spoke to me in a room full of staff, not privately and was really rude. I was so shocked but I stood up for myself. I did end up in tears and had to ask her to leave my desk in the end as she was being a tool. I feel I was assertive and I stood up for myself. However I feel I lost credibility by getting upset afterwards.

How do you assert yourself? I'm looking for tips, methods? I'm fed up with people thinking I'm an easy ride.

Shamelessly placemarking as sometimes (most of the time), I'm a doormat. I need to learn to be assertive too.

You didn't lose credibility, she just showed to the others what she's really like. Just keep up the good work!

it takes a lot of practice as you've discovered!

At the heart of being assertive is the ability to detach, and to remove the emotion from the situation which is often what I do.

So instead of launching into a rant reacting to something to what someone says, I'll pause for a moment, buy myself time, often by listening to what the other person is saying and then after signalling that I've taken on board what they've said, I'll give my point of view. That sounds easy, it isn't but the key thing is to slow things down, which helps to keep emotions in check.

In the case of your situation where you've had no time to prepare it's probably best to handle it a bit like this

Colleague - (snippy, rude) how dare you copy Jane in on that email yesterday, that was completely outside your authority. Don't ever do that again, is that understood?!!!

Zambia - (pause, don't react defensively, look at Colleague steadily) OK I can see you're upset by that. Let's take this outside the meeting and we can talk through it together. (Stay polite, collaborative and calm)

Colleague - I don't need to discuss this any more, just do as I say, and stop arguing back!

Zambia - (still calm - contrast the behaviour of rude colleague) that's fine, I'm happy to discuss it with you later today, let me know if you change your mind.

Key thing is don't apologise or act meakly, don't get into the weeds about trying to justify your decision to copy the email to Jane. That deed is done, if the colleague doesn't wanted to discuss it then that's their decision. Key thing is to diffuse the immediacy of the situation, ,it's their shit their issue so don't allow the person to suck you into a vortex of arguing about the minutiae, mostly it's just them on a power trip!

The secret is not taking things personally.

To be honest I don't offend or upset terribly easily. I can see in most people's bad behaviour or clumsy words that it's their problem or that they have an issue, not me. When someone is trying to take you down or put you in your place, there's always something behind it on their side. A chip on their shoulder or an insecurity or jealousy. It's often not even about you.

So if you can recognise that you can listen to people, really hear what they are saying/what's going on with them and handle them effectively without taking it personally.

Read nice girls dont get the corner office.

What do you mean red?

Zambia, it's a book www.amazon.co.uk/Nice-Girls-Dont-Corner-Office/dp/0446531324?tag=mumsnetforum-21

"For every professional woman who wants to get ahead - but feels she is at an impasse - NICE GIRLS DON'T GET THE CORNER OFFICE comes to the rescue. Although it's more politically correct for women to point the finger outwardly when assessing why they are overlooked for promotions and assignments for which they are superbly qualified, the real answers may lie inward."

Great posts, shameless place marking.

Sometimes its partially about getting promotion, but mainly it's about being respectful and respected, treated nicely. I expect that book is US, where it's all about push push, hierarchical, getting up the greasy pole at work.

To my mind, the benefit of assertiveness is about not being walked over by others, but 'pulling yourself up to your full height' and being spoken to like a human being not a piece of dirt under someone's foot. Sometimes that the respect doesn't come naturally to people in the workplace, they seem to be constantly trampling on people and being appalling. I have lost count of how many threads are about bullying and nastiness, assertiveness = empowerment!

So instead of launching into a rant reacting to something to what someone says, I'll pause for a moment, buy myself time, often by listening to what the other person is saying and then after signalling that I've taken on board what they've said, I'll give my point of view.

This is great advice. I've been a doormat at times and over the last year or so have begun saying no to people and it's practise that makes it easier. That pause to gather your thoughts is a huge help, though, because it means the response you give isn't the reflexive 'yes' they're expecting, it's the response that really works for you.

It can be hard to be assertive especially if you're female as there's a certain amount of expectation that women will simply acquiesce because we're conditioned to do it. I get told that I'm scary sometimes. I'm absolutely not; I teach Reception age children and know the words to all the songs in Moana, no scary person does that. The reason people say that assertive women are scary is because assertive women scare them.

The secret is definitely not taking it personally. Another thing is to see time as money. I've been poor most of my adult life. When I do work, it's got to be for either money or return favour/bargain, because I cannot afford to give it away for free, I sail that close to the wind. A time or two, sure, but not on a regular basis. So that stops being taken advantage of when you start looking at pisstakers who want regular childcare, support of any sort, etc. without anything at all in return. 'Hmm, I could be selling that service for a fiver an hour, a fiver means a lot to my kids,' and this makes it easier to tell people where to go.

Place marking

The advice here is really good! Thanks ladies and thanks OP for posting.