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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my parents to understand that ds will never 'grow out of it' ?

22 replies

PersonalClown · 25/04/2007 21:20

Ds was diagnosed as autistic almost 2 years ago now and while they don't treat him much differently, they still say at every opportunity 'Oh He'll grow out of it'
Latest example...My best friend is hopefully moving soon and I suggested swapping her average sized fridge-freezer for my 5ft freezer and seperate fridge. Logical we thought as they are a family of 4 and there is only me and ds plus ds has a very limited diet. I only ever have the freezer half full.
My dad says 'But you'll need it when he starts eating properly' Me-'he won't he's autistic' Dad- 'he'll grow out of it'
AAARRRGGGHHHH!
They still buy/give him toys that he just won't use as 'He'll play with them eventually'.
Why can't they just accept that this is the way he is and while he may get a little better/adjusted/whatever, he will never be (I hate to say this..) 'normal'?

OP posts:

Chocolateface · 25/04/2007 21:24

I think it's their way of coping with the situation. Have you given them anything informative for them to read about autism? We tend to hear alot these days about autistic children, but virtually nothing about autistic adults.

Dottydot · 25/04/2007 21:25

That's really hard. I can see why they're saying it - they're probably hoping it's a comfort to you and of course to them as well - they're looking to give reassurance and feel reassured. And it's the easy thing to see - a bright future ahead instead of the struggle it must be. But you need support as well - are they good with practical help and support?

mytwopenceworth · 25/04/2007 21:29

it's very common. my mum always says "he'll surprise you" about either of my 2 (also autistic) meaning of course that they will start to do all the things they currently struggle with.

it's denial. i think they blamed themselves somehow!

they are much better now though (boys are now 6 & 7). time helps. although mum still thinks they will grow up to have no problems whatsoever. (i wish!)

i mean, there's nothing wrong with them, they've just got autism, but it can be a pain in the bum when your family can't accept that.

i assume you've bought them all the reading material? made sure they are well educated? that can help - if you can make them read it!

Olihan · 25/04/2007 21:29

We foster a boy with autism. His GPs are exactly the same about it. I think as chocolateface says, it's a lack of understanding about autism and what it really means. I'm sure someone on here will know a good book you could give them to help, or some stuff from NAS? It's really hard for you if they won't accept him for what is though, I imagine.

Elasticwoman · 25/04/2007 21:30

That was pretty concise for a ramble.

I can see that your parents' comments irritate you. And you have quite enough to cope with.

I'm sure you must know a lot more about autism than I do, but how sure can you be about his future development? Can you blame them for wanting to be optimistic?
At least they are taking a positive interest.

Porcupine · 25/04/2007 21:30

Jim jams has htis iirc

Elasticwoman · 25/04/2007 21:33

I didn't mean to imply that they are right and you are wrong about his probable future. Just that the degree of development can't be exactly known - can it??

Porcupine · 25/04/2007 21:34

have emailed jj

Original poster

PersonalClown · 25/04/2007 21:35

My parents just will not read anything I have offered them. They still tell me to starve ds so he will eat ( the they will eat anything if they're hungry arguement). Bollocks to that, our paed has said he is fine, a little on the skinny side but still.
They have him for a few hours on a Saturday but will not have him overnight anymore or take him on holiday.
He's not badly behaved or embarrassing, he just need to be spoken to and occasionally treated like a toddler.

OP posts:

peggotty · 25/04/2007 21:42

They are in total denial, aren't they. Obviously this attitude is extremely unhelpful to you. I can totally understand your frustration at them,it's a head against a brick wall scenario. Have they said WHY they won't read any literature about autism. Are they of the opinion that it's a 'made-up' condition - I can imagine that some people (sorry, but particularily of the older generation) find the whole concept of autism difficult to accept.

2shoes · 25/04/2007 21:46

PersonalClown it is a nightmare when they just don't get that this is it.....it won't get better. if my dad askes one more time if dd will talk i will............

pointydog · 25/04/2007 21:56

(I think PersonalClown is my fave mn name)

Miaou · 25/04/2007 22:05

There is a book that Gess/Jimjams recommends - I can't remember what it is called, but it is two names (eg "Charlie and Sam") I think - I've heard her mention it several times as being a really good book for those who don't/refuse to understand about autism and its impact.

Anyone know what the book is?

misdee · 25/04/2007 22:06

george and sam

Chocolateface · 25/04/2007 22:07

George and Sam by Charlotte Moore. It's very easy reading.

Miaou · 25/04/2007 22:07

Oh, x-posts PC, guess the book would be out of the question then

Miaou · 25/04/2007 22:08

LOL, with my pg-hormonal brain I am impressed that I remembered 50% of the title

misdee · 25/04/2007 22:08

i saw your mum and your ds in town the other day btw. he is looking very tall again.

misdee · 25/04/2007 22:12

Pc, not saying your ds will 'grow out of it' but i do have to say he does astound me each time i see you as he is progressing in some areas. I remember the first time i heard his speak, iwas and for you. I know he wont get better, as its not an illness, but he really is bloody fantastic!

gess · 25/04/2007 22:34

cod's emailed me. We did go through this with in-laws more than my parents. Have been having lots of counselling myself recently about the feelings of not moving on etc. One thing though ds1 has gone from eating nothing to everything (almost!) so don't give up on that score (although I would swap freezers in your position). I think my in-laws always felt I was very negatiive, I always felt pushed into being negative as they were so unrealistic, so we kind of fed off each other.

I've just started a website reviewring autism services & products, the Lorna Wing book here was very useful for my in-laws to read. I got a bunch of post it notes and just wrote notes bext to the relevant bits and passed it on. It did seem to help.

Original poster

PersonalClown · 26/04/2007 20:14

Thanks all. I had to give in last night and go to bed!
I've borrowed Misdee's copy of George and Sam and am still trying to get them to read it.
As height goes Misdee, the little toad is wearing 7 year old Next jeans as they are long enough and come with adjustable waists for his skinny frame!
His speech is coming on fabulously, shame its all ecocholia (sp?) He can repeat anyone's conversation but when he talks to you, it's all babble!!
I still offer new foods with his usual as he's now trying them so I haven't given up entirely.
I suppose I live in hope.

OP posts:

dmo · 26/04/2007 21:05

my mum just got my niece (12mths) a disco ball with coloured lights on
she was reg blind on tues but my mum thinks she might be able to see .............

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