Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a bouquet for registry wedding 2 days prior to church ceremony

17 replies

teagardens · 10/01/2018 12:20

Backstory: Registry wedding is 2 days prior to church wedding. Will be having flowers for church ceremony. MIL insists that I have a bouquet for the registry as well, which I should then place on her late husband's grave. DP is uncomfortable however more in favour of keeping her quiet. MIL is not recently bereaved and has a new partner. Do I just go along with this?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/01/2018 12:22

Wow

That's an odd thing to want you to do

EggsonHeads · 10/01/2018 12:23

That's really weird and controlling but does it really matter? My only concern would be that it would set a precedent for her trying to bend the two of you to her will and your husband expecting you to go along with it to keep the peace? Maybe tell her that if it really matters she can bring a boquet and you can give it to her after the ceremony for her to do her little thing with it.

SundayLunchHappy · 10/01/2018 12:25

That's extremely personal. I had a little arrangement made up and went to place it on my Grandmothers grave but absolutely nobody suggested I do it and I think my mum was really surprised I'd even thought about it.

For your mil to ask you to use your bouquet though is really rude and not for her to even suggest, let alone request!

flimp · 10/01/2018 12:25

She may not be recently bereaved but she is still grieving and I guess she wants some recognition that there's a person missing from the celebrations. She must be feeling sad that he's not here to celebrate with you.

If you're not comfortable with doing this, could her DH (is it your DF's dad?) be remembered in some other way some how?

OhCalamity · 10/01/2018 12:27

That's weird. I understand a bride putting the bouquet on the grave of her own loved one given it's her bouquet.

Suggest that groom gets a nice buttonhole corsage and that can go on the grave instead, since it's his dad.

Littlechocola · 10/01/2018 12:30

What are your reasons for not wanting to?

eitak22 · 10/01/2018 12:31

Bouquets arent cheap. Could you go for a little hand tied one you make yourself to go on the grave or suggest your other one from he church wedding goes (only if you want to, its your bouquet).

I gave my bouquet to my nan to put on my aunties grave as did my cousins who were bridesmaids as i think we all realised she should have been there (died very young in a car accident). That was my choice and my mum was suprised but touched that i had thought of it as she knew it would mean a lot to my nan.

MrsMozart · 10/01/2018 12:35

Who's wedding is it...?

If you don't want it don't do it.

FundayMorning · 10/01/2018 12:37

Where's the harm? Flowers are nice.

Justmuddlingalong · 10/01/2018 12:38

DP needs to quit the 'keeping mum happy attitude', now. It's not her wedding, not her choice and none of her bloody business.

Original poster
teagardens · 10/01/2018 12:41

Hi again. Thanks for all the input. I don't want/hadn't planned a bouquet for the registry at all. Will be having one at the church service 2 days later. Thanks Eggs, that's pretty insightful. Smile

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 10/01/2018 12:45

No.

Thin end of the wedge with her thinking that somehow this is her business. Do everyone a favour and act very startled that she would even think it's ok to request something like this - and say no, that's not what I want.

It's a very rude request IMO. You don't suggest to a bride that she does anything specific with HER bouquet at HER wedding - it's a personal choice. You absolutely don't ask that someone actually buys and carries a bouquet specifically so that they can do something you want with it!

Not a great sign that she would ask this, potentially a quite controlling nature showing through here. Also, DP in favour of 'keeping her quiet'? No - don't go down that road unless you eventually want to end up blowing up and telling her to fuck off when she pokes her nose in elsewhere.

Do EVERYONE a favour and draw a strong, polite boundary now.

milliemolliemou · 10/01/2018 12:49

When wedding and do you have a garden? If it's at a time when you have flowers I'd just make up a small posy for the registry office for her to put on the grave. Or pay for a small one if it keeps the peace this time but make sure you and your DP stand firm in the future. Or offer her some of the flowers from the church ceremony.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2018 12:49

If she wants some of the wedding flowers on his grave to sort of pay respects or have him involved in some way, why can’t they be from the church? Some of the decorative ones after the service. She can rearrange them if needed

Bambamber · 10/01/2018 12:52

Tell her your not having a bouquet, don't just go along with it as it sets a precedent. I would tell her there's plenty of places she can buy a beautiful bunch of flowers which she can place on the grave afterwards if she so wishes.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2018 12:52

Yes! An extra button hole or his son’s one would be sweet.

I do agree having a new dp doesn’t negate her grief or love for him and it’s his son’s wedding (or so I assume).

Original poster
teagardens · 10/01/2018 12:52

Thanks everyone. I think 'Ill go with the posy from the church arrangements idea.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page