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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends mum buying my birthday presents

24 replies

DahliaFlowers · 10/01/2018 09:14

AIBU by being totally peed off with this?

Turns out my OH left it until the day before to get my card and presents from him and my baby girl. He was too busy at work so got his mum to get it all for me apparently so his mum picked out my birthday card from him AND my baby as well as my flowers? I even said to him the next day what made you pick these and he said they just looked lovely and I know you like lillies! AIBU by being upset by this? It's my first birthday as a mum so I think a bit more thought could've gone into it from him in regards to being from my little one.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 10/01/2018 09:23

I think it's fine to be irritated that your OH - presumably an adult man - is so useless he needs his mum to buy you a birthday present.

I think it's a bit ridiculous to think of your baby as someone who should get you presents, even via someone else.

Original poster

DahliaFlowers · 10/01/2018 09:25

I didn't ask for presents, only a card as we aren't doing presents this year. All I wanted was a mum card on my first birthday as a mum from my little one that my OH had got for me himself. That's all.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 10/01/2018 09:28

Ah - I'd see flowers as a present. But yes, I'd be irritated that he couldn't manage even a card by himself.

(Still don't understand the "mum card" thing, though - I just wouldn't be able to see that as a card from my baby, as the baby would have no knowledge of it, but everyone's different, I suppose.)

Shineystrawberrylover · 10/01/2018 09:29

Yes. G
He sucks Does he expect you to do all the present buying from both of you? Because that sort of dependency on his mummy does not bode well.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 10/01/2018 09:31

I guess it depends on a number of things. Do you like lillies? Had he asked her to get some lillies and a card with (e.g.) a cat on it or did he just ask her to fix something for your birthday? I would be less cross in the first scenario than the second. Does he buy the presents for his family or do you? Some people seem to have escaped the 'how to pick a good presnt' life lesson and need to learn it. What does he usually do at Christmas/ Birthdays for you? Is this a one off or a symptom of a wider issue?

alotalotalot · 10/01/2018 09:31

You need to train him like most men and dogs

Original poster

DahliaFlowers · 10/01/2018 09:33

He simply said along the lines of can you get me a card that says to my girlfriend and a card that says to my mum and can you pick her up some flowers please? She picked up ones with lillies in which actually are my favourite but that was definitely just a fluke.

OP posts:

Original poster

DahliaFlowers · 10/01/2018 09:34

I also do all present buying for his family, including his parents and siblings.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 10/01/2018 09:39

I also do all present buying for his family, including his parents and siblings.

You really need to nip this in the bud. He's a grown man, and can be responsible for maintaining relationships with his side of the family, and not dumping it all on you as "wife work" for the next forty years.

Him getting his mum to buy you the cards is a symptom of that, as your card and flowers is the one he can't ask/expect you to get.

He's a grown man. He should act like one.

Original poster

DahliaFlowers · 10/01/2018 10:38

I know I do but I'm currently on maternity leave so find it easier as he works long hours. I honestly just thought for my birthday more of an effort would be made but hey ho.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 10/01/2018 10:41

I can understand you wanting a card with mum on for your first birthday as a mum. So I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/01/2018 10:54

You state you buy the presents for his family so are you really surprised that he delegated what he seems wifework to his Mum?

Tell him why you are disappointed ie the first birthday as a mother to his child was special to you and as you both patented her you were looking forward to the 'special daddy chose on behalf of baby card - not one from MIL

ArcheryAnnie · 10/01/2018 10:57

But Dahlia, presumably you haven't been on maternity leave for the whole time you've known him. Don't do all the present-buying for him ever again. If he won't present buy, then just buy things from you, or don't buy anything at all.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 10/01/2018 11:04

How well do you get on with MIL? Could it be something that you work on together with her? 'I loved the flowers that you bought for me from dh, but I really want him to buy them himself. Likewise I imagine that you would like your son to choose presnts for you, let's work together on encouraging him to do that' then give her a copy of wifework for her birthday from you .

nutnerk · 10/01/2018 11:11

A card "from your baby" is not from your baby so why does it matter whether MIL bought it

I think you're being a bit precious. Maybe he should have spoiled you - does he usually? If not, then why would he start now?

Sparklesocks · 10/01/2018 11:33

Does him Mum do other things like this for him?

Original poster

DahliaFlowers · 10/01/2018 12:00

We usually spoil each other but this year we have said no presents as we are saving for a bigger house. I'm not bothered about the no presents etc, all I wanted was just for him to pick the bloody cards himself. Having a card that I will really treasure from my baby (even though she didn't write it herself, I get it) is special to me and now less special that I knew he didn't even pick it. For reference, his mother and I get on but we don't see each other very often as she works long hours so I see her once a week/every two weeks. Just find it irritating! I will be holding back on the gift buying for his family from now on and leave it to him. If they don't get a present as he will most definitely forget then it won't be my fault.

OP posts:

nutnerk · 10/01/2018 12:13

Sounds like there's a lot of issues/resentment here about gift giving.

Tell him it's bothering you, establish your expectations and go from there.

AngelsSins · 10/01/2018 12:21

This is a grown adult man, a father, who uses various women in his life as his social PAs. Just stop this now, stop enabling him! No more of you organising gifts for his family, it's time he grew up and stepped up.

Id be hurt by this too, and pretty pissed off.

milliemolliemou · 10/01/2018 12:33

If he works long hours then I can see his point. Either he has to get them on a day off which means flowers might not last or he asks his mum - though a phone call to a florist might have cut it. and you can do cards through Moonpig etc. If you have access to a laptop and wifi at work. I tend to delegate most presents to DC since both are better present buyers than I am, so it's not just a man thing. However, since this seems to have upset you you could calmly tell him that while you appreciated flowers and a card it would have been worth 9x more from him.

KarmaStar · 10/01/2018 12:41

Happy Birthday OP
you have a beautiful baby,a hard working supportive husband and a kind mil.
You are blessed with this.
Overall,is it really that important that she bought a card?

GaraMedouar · 10/01/2018 14:37

I would seriously stop doing all the card and present buying for his side of the family.
It wouldn’t have taken him 5 minutes to stop and pick you up a couple of cards himself but probably just didn’t see it as important so delegates to his Mum. You’re not going to change that, I think many men don’t see cards as important so leave to the wife.

tabbywabby · 10/01/2018 14:41

I also do all present buying for his family, including his parents and siblings.
OK, but then you've taught him that you think it's totally fine to delegate this task to others.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/01/2018 14:42

I'd hate this and I think this little episode has DEFINITELY shown you just how much you need to nip this in the bud.

No more dealing with his family presents.

Make it clear that as far as you're concerned, he didn't get you a present or card and he didn't take part in marking his own baby's first card to her mum.

He needs to grow up and be the driving force in his own relationships, or they'll suffer.

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