To be at my wits end with ten year old son

[maggieryan]

I don't know what to do. He is so cheeky to me, mean to his sister and has a really bad attitude. He is v sociable in school and has lots of friends, seems to just be me he has a problem with. His dad is his hero. Tonight I caught him on his tablet in bed, I went to take it off him and he almost squared up to me, I admit I lost my temper and we ended up shouting at each other, I've taken his xbox off him already and he's grounded but it doesn't seem to be affecting him. My lovely sweet boy is gone and not sure he's coming back. I know he's jealous of his youngest sister so I always try make a fuss of him. He's quite babyish in some ways, I have to ask him to do something about ten times and if we're out I'm constantly telling him not to do things. Is it his age? Any suggestions. Sometimes I feel I don't even like him. Please help.

Not really understanding what the problem is.

He had a tablet in bed so is that banned? If so that’s fine but why is he grounded?
How is he mean to his sister? Is dad living with you?

Why are you cinstebthy telling him not to do things?

I think a lot of it could be his age. My DD is 11 soon and I've noticed a lot of what you've said with regards to the cheek and attitude I get from her. I've tried to be understanding to a point, as I'm aware she's growing up and hormones will be starting to work on her.. but it is hard going sometimes. I have to admit, I'm not really sure how to deal with it myself. It's so hard to stay patient with her, and sometimes I lose my temper too.

I don't even know why I'm writing this really, it's not going to be the slightest bit of use to you. I guess I just wanted to say you're not alone in dealing with this.

Thanks for replying. I constantly asking.him not to do things "stop pulling your sisters hair", "stop banging into people", stop dragging the trolley, stop shouting, stop watching telly ..It's never ending. He was grounded from a week ago over something else, he's always just mean to his sister, laughing when she makes a mistake, slags her, just basically mean. Maybe it's hormones. Just fed up with it all. He's mad about my husband, probably didn't phase that right, he hangs onto his every word so I feel it's just mainly me he has a problem with.

heart, OP clearly says he almost squared up to her.

Would he listen to your husband, OP?

Does his dad tell him off or is it you that does the discipline ? That's probably why he favours his dad to be fair .

Have you tried asking instead of telling? I know it's not easy i sometimes fall into the same trap with my DS but if you say can you turn the TV off please, can you give me the tablet please it's bedtime and your not allowed it in bed, the trolley is noisy and could disturb people would you mind pushing it rather than dragging it. Maybe then you won't fight so much. It must be wearing on him to hear stop this stop that don't do blah blah and I would imagine it won't be in a pleasant tone either. I am not judging I do the same myself sometimes.

Tell your dh to start disciplining his sonyou can’t be bad cop all the time, and as he looks up to and listens to him tell him to have a word about how it’s disrespectful to speak to his mum or my dw like that and he will not tolerate it. It’s a message he needs to keep repeating until it sinks in.

We tell ds(13) it’s normal as a teen to easily feel angry or upset and we try to remember that, but he needs to find ways to control it. If he feels himself getting angry or upset in any situation at home he takes himself off to his room to calm down then we talk after a few mins. There were a few instances where he punched his bedroom wall (never did it again after he realised how much it hurt and needed to come down as ask for help/ice!), slammed doors/threw stuff about, but he eventually realised just calming down (maybe punching is pillow) then talking was better. We tried as much as possible for us to stay calm and while getting our point across avoiding any heated arguments or butting heads and getting nowhere.

Mine is similar. I do think video games/iPads are a lot of the trouble but he loves them so much. I can’t ground mine as he doesn’t go out without us yet!

It all sounds very negative. Can you start a fresh page tomorrow morning? My boys (14,11) aren’t like this though it could just be personality and luck. I think we have a positive interaction and so when I need to ask them to behave, they do because I’m not always on at them.

So I compliment, praise, hug, ask nicely, tell them I love them, am proud of them etc etc.

I do think it takes one of you to change and as the parent I think it should be you.

Do you favour your youngest? Would ds say you do? Do you spend quality time with him alone?

Agree with frosty it sounds very negative a dynamic right now.

Hormones! It’s the age he will start to play up due to them. My son is 11 and he doesn’t act anything like this, but he did start to walk away in moods and sulk quietly elsewhere... which okay, is nothing like you’re going through, but this is big for mine lol. But still, hormones

I've had some great tips recently - if you are finding it difficult to find things to praise him about, create a chart of awesomeness and write at least two things on it at the end of every day. Give him ten minutes of your undivided attention attention every day (this is actually quite hard to do every day, as life gets in the way) - I was told to start by giving him some lego and commentating on it for 10 minues - we have now graduated onto just chatting - he loves it and my other children now demand their "ten minutes". Do this before you start setting rules and consequences (we're now onto this - our consequence is reduced screen time).

I think it sounds like Dad needs to take over discipline and give you a break.

Its very easy to get into a negative spiral. I like the 'how to talk so teens will listen' book , well that's not true. I hate the style of the book but I actually find the tips really useful so I grit my teeth and read it every now and then to remind myself of the useful bits.

What’s your relationship with your husband like? I know it’s a personal question but what has he grown up observing? How does his dad’s treatment of him differ to yours? What does his dad do when your son acts like this towards you?

I had some attitude form second Ds at that age. I waited till I had hime alone in the car and told him we need to talk about the rules. (nice 45 minute journey LOL)
I then went through what was expected of him, what I wouldn't allow and why.
Then when he would start I reminded him I already talked to him about this and what was expected/allowed. He huffed and puffed, and stomped and would hide out in his room and be moody but he did improve.
You have to be clear and consistant or they really do not understand why you are going on at them and shouting/grounding etc.
Dh has to be on board and not be the soft touch or it won't work and it will get worse the bigger and stronger they get.
Kids with clear boundaries seem more calm.

Agree with others that you need to break the negative cycle. I would go back to basics and sit down with him at a time when you're both relaxed and calm, and work together to agree a set of household rules - really basic stuff but worded positively rather than negatively where possible - so only kind words to your sister, tablet time finishes at 8pm, that kind of thing. Make sure he understands why each rule is in place (so you don't hurt someone's feelings, so you can sleep well, etc).

Get him to agree to it and on a reasonable system of consequences for breaking the rules. Then put them up on the wall and stick to them!

Also really important to make sure DH is on side and backs you to every time, does the telling off when necessary. It is not fair for you to be the only one enforcing rules.

And yes - make time for him - let him stay up after his sister is in bed to watch a programme with you, read to him, listen to him.

Thank you all so much. Great advice here and I'll take it on board. I feel he is looking for my attention even if its negative attention. I'll also try set time for just me and him, we never spend time on our own together. I feel so much more positive today. Thanks again

Oh one more thing I did with my son, once little brother was in bed, we had "talk time" (little brother had his time at his bedtime too)
We'd lie on his bed and he had to tell me about his day, What was good, what was not so good and what he thought. That morphed into me reading to him. Not sure how. The whole thing took 30 minutes and was well worth the time, he went off to bed nice and calm and having had my complete attention. I kinda liked a little lie down too.

I went through a really hard time with my ds10 recently. A negative comment from him then me and we’d just get on a negative spiral. I have been really positive and happy with him for a couple of months now and he is so much calmer and speaks to me so much nicer and I to him too. Our house is a much nicer environment.