To think my twins should interact more?

[TammySwansonTwo]

Posting for traffic mainly, hopefully there are some twin mums here!

My twins (16mo) were born by emcs and separated immediately. Both were in incubators. One came home after two weeks but the other stayed in the incubator for a month. For the following month they'd spend an hour a day or so in the same hospital bassinet. That was it really. When the smaller one came home, they both became unwell immediately and we separated them - then the poorly one was readmitted so they were separated for another two weeks.

After this they spent all their time next to each other - shared a cosleeper, napped together in a travel cot, or next to each other in swings or on the play mat. They'd look at and reach for each other and make noises, when they started laughing they'd make each other laugh and so on.

For about the last 3-4 months, they don't really acknowledge each other at all. They play in the same space, eat next to each other etc. They sleep in separate but adjacent cots.

They'll steal toys from each other and occasionally look at the other one. That's it. No laughing, no hugs, no playing. The one who can walk will literally walk over / stand on his brother - the other day he pushed him over and tried to use his back to climb on to the sofa. If he's in the way he will just walk over him or sometimes shove him out of the way (which I never ignore by the way but I don't think he understands at all yet)

I know they're going through a lot developmentally at the moment. They are both now very affectionate towards me and DH, constantly wanting cuddles and to be picked up (the smaller one only started this about a month or so ago - before that he never wanted cuddles). They make good eye contact with us, laugh at things we do, laugh at things on CBeebies, they're both vocal, they're both learning new skills all the time so they are progressing (although the smaller one does seem to have stopped doing things he used to do all the time, like clapping). So why don't they interact with each other? Am I doing something wrong somewhere?

I think perhaps I'm over sensitive about this because I'm struggling with anxiety and because they were separated from each other and me for so long that I worry it's affected their bonding. I spent a lot of time worrying that the little one didn't want to cuddle me at all but that's completely changed now so I'll probably look back and wonder why I worried about this. My HV made a really thoughtless comment about this when I last saw her and it's been playing on my mind a lot I guess.

Sorry this is so long but I can't really find any info on whether this is normal or not. I'm a member of TAMBA so I may contact them to see if this is a concern and whether I should be doing anything to try and help. Can anyone who's been through similar reassure me on this or am I right to worry? I don't know what's a legitimate worry and what's my anxiety any more, especially surrounding all this after such a tough time when they were tiny.

Thanks to anyone who got through all this!

They sound normal to me. I don't have twins but I have a baby the same age and I see the way she is around children of similar age.

They have plenty of time to grow closer as they get older. I have two older DCs who are 2 years apart in age and they are inseparable.

Kids don't be play together for a long time even at 3?they play alongside each other.

I have twins they are separate humans and anyone saying twins are some how 'special' aren't being wholy truthful

My twins are 9 now and I can’t really remember much about those very early years...but there was a lot of running around after two toddlers going in opposite directions! Most babies at that age are starting to get a bit of independence as they are walking etc so it makes sense that they’ll each be doing their own thing.
But do get on the Tamba forums, or maybe even ring Twinline 0800 138 0509.

It's pretty normal, mine were together from the get go and were similar to what you describe. Now they're 5 and joined at the hip at home but totally different friendship groups at school
They spent a lot of time looking at each other between about 6 months to a year, ignored each other after that and became best friends by their 2nd birthday, try not to worry

Do you encourage them to be affectionate towards each other?
The only reason my 17mo gives anyone kisses and cuddles is because I say 'ds, look daddy's home give him a kiss' etc.
He gives me kisses unprompted but that's it I think.

I am a twin and apparently I crawled and walked all over my sibling. I sat on him, bashed his head. So it's probably normal. We gave a great relationship

Awww they sound perfectly normal to me, there not doing anything out the ordinary, your doing a brilliant job.
I have twins and they are 8months old, sometimes they are real close but other times they dont really wanna know each other and want to do there own thing.
Its most probably your anxiety making you question yourself.
Don't worry x

Honestly, they don't like kissing, never have - I do try and encourage it but don't want to force it! I don't think they're at the point yet where they'd understand me encouraging them to give cuddles, they basically just do what they want when they want ;)

I think I worry because they used to interact more, and because most of the twins I know interact more, but they are mostly a few months younger and maybe they'll go through this phase too.

Thanks though, it's good to know it's not necessarily an issue - like I say I think I'm a bit over sensitive on this subject

I don't know about twins as I've never experienced that. I do remember though, that when my oldest DC was small and attending toddler groups, someone (maybe my HV at the time, was 10yr ago) told me that children of that age don't necessarily play and interact with each another, but rather play in parallel alongside one another. Probably not a lot of use to you, sorry, but it popped into my mind when I read your post.

Sounds like normal sibling behaviour. Also one twin is generally the stronger personality.

Minor thank you - that's exactly what's happening, one is walking and into everything, the other sits and concentrates for a long time on toys etc so I think maybe it's developmental.

Thanks so much everyone, really appreciate the feedback :)

It's understandable. I remember trying to encourage mine by sitting on the floor with them in a triangle and rolling a ball between us all. Then I would be oh so clever and have to leave the room for a moment. I'd come back and they would be sat where I left them just watching the door. I gave up and let them make their own way.

My twins are nearly 15. They still go through stages of switching from being inseparable best mates to barely acknowledging each other.

The HV appointment this week did not go well and I think that's playing up my anxiety a bit.

First she kept going on about how one's weight has slowed and dropping centiles (he's walking now and she told me I had to cut his milk down so I have - but after she left I checked his book, he started in the 9th, went up to 50th and is now 25th so hardly a concern I don't think).

Then she said they should both be walking properly by now (only one is and he's very wobbly) and if they're not walking properly by our next appointment she would refer me back to the hospital (but little one is under an OT and she's not at all concerned about their development).

And then I mentioned the lack of interaction and she suggested referring me to a baby group for babies with "special needs" (her words) which completely shocked me. One of them does have an illness but that's not what she was talking about.

So yeah, left that appointment feeling utterly shite to be honest and have been really anxious about everything ever since!

My twins are almost two. They were born 37+4 luckily no nicu time. They shared a Moses basket until they were about 4 months and still share a room.

They have only just started playing together and dancing/holding hands in the last couple of months

Oh op that sounds a nightmare. Try not to worry about the centiles for a start. They can be quite misleading.
Some health visitors are worth their weight in gold, others not so much.

Children do hit their milestones at different stages, it's worth keeping an eye on but not getting overly worried about at this age.

As for playing together, children play alongside each other initially. Typically this changes during their preschool years between 3 and 5. As a very general guide, girls often start interacting slightly earlier than boys.

These are all very vague though because each child will be different.

I have been through a lot of this with my eldest who has autism amongst other things so have studied child development pretty extensively and been to more specialists than I could name!

Do you have any specific concerns?

My twins are 4. One was in special care for 17 days and a later illness for 10 days . They weren't great for interacting together; I couldn't leave them alone as T2 would always hit and take toys off T1. However now they are in preschool I have separated them and they are the best of buddies . I try to encourage hugging between them but they just aren't into although they are both the most affection and cuddly with me

I don't know why your HV thinks they should both be walking properly by now as anything upto 18 months is considered 'normal' and often twins are born a bit early so might need an extra month to catch up!

Some HV seem to spout utter rubbish and worry parents unnecessarily. If you have specific concerns I'd ask your gp for a referral to paediatrics but in my uneducated opinion they sound pretty normal!

What did she tell you to cut his milk too? If he's losing weight cutting calories doesn't sound right to me, and they do lose when they start moving.

The thing with twins is that it's easy to panic because there's a direct comparison there every day. Babies hit milestones at different times and that's why there are scales to be measured against rather than other babies.

Would you be worried if you take their interaction with each other out of the equation? If you judge then each as one solo baby? I had to remind myself to do that a lot as there was a gulf of ability between my two as one had health issues.

@reallifesucks I love twin hugs. Dtd loves them too but dts not so much. If he's feeling particularly good humoured he'll yell twin hug and they both pile on me but he makes sure to tell me that was a special treat!

I think it's really normal that they don't want to kiss too. I'm not sure many 16 month olds do (DS - 13 months will literally only kiss grandma and then because it's a silly game)

Wow your HV sounds a bit clumsy with how she/he has dealt with your concerns, but I think what you've described is normal, my twins are 2 now but have gone through similar stages to those you describe, walked later than my other kids did (I keep them strapped in a lot more than I had to with the others as when there are two it's just generally safer to use the buggy) and they walked at different times and a lot of things that have been firsts have happened at different times, the clapping thing you mention is also totally normal, they learn a new trick, do it then move onto
Something else. Please don't worry about your babies, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well and also that your twins are going through really normal stages of their development as toddlers. I think sometimes health professionals' advice is more geared towards single children too, through no fault of their own as until you have twins you cannot appreciate what it is like in some ways, so try and keep it in mind if they make comparisons. They are different people with different skill sets.
You mention your anxiety. Have you spoken to anyone about that or are you getting treatment? I know your post isn't about that but I picked up on it as I was where you are a year ago and seeked help as it was quite overwhelming. It was a good decision and I worry much less about things having spoken to my GP and gotten treatment for anxiety. Anyway just a side point but I hope you feel reassured about the twins,

Oh and they're only occasionally affectionate now they're older, they certainly weren't into twin hugs and kisses till fairly recently.

Some (not all) HV's spout an incredible amount of nonsense. Concerned about not walking at 16 months? For heavens same. Dd1was 19 months when she first took steps, Ds was 20 months. We thought Dd2 was amazingly advanced when she started walking at 14 months!