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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much or can he not be arsed?

16 replies

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 09/01/2018 13:35

I have been seeing someone for a year and we are at the point where we are starting to merge our families and friends. Or so I thought. Previously we’ve spent loads of time together and practically live together but rarely see friends and family as a couple, we have both just gone off on our own to these visits.
With it just having been Christmas we have seen more of each other’s family and my friends. He has seen his friends but not with me. I think he would like me to come along and see his friends but we have four children between us so I am always childcare.
Whenever I ask him to do anything with my friends he refuses unless it is something he would like to do normally. He won’t do something he wouldn’t usually do to make me happy so sometimes all my friends go out for food or an activity in couples and I have to not go, or go on my own and its odd that he isn’t there.
I’m not sure if this is me being selfish and wanting him to just fit into my life seamlessly and expecting too much or if he just can’t be arsed and should make more of an effort.
Also I’m not sure if it’s unfair to expect him to come along to these things as he’s free and at home when I don’t go to his things as I am childcare for all the children. I have said I am happy to come if we get a babysitter.
I don’t have much/any experience of dating so I’m not sure if I need to relax over this and not let it be an issue or if he’s a lazy arse 😂 x

OP posts:

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 09/01/2018 13:41

Have you a cloth op? To wipe the MUG sign off your forehead. Why the fuck are you always the childcare??
Sorry can't see past that in your post.

fairylightsdown · 09/01/2018 15:06

Why are you always the childcare?

Pointlessfacts · 09/01/2018 15:09

Sounds like he's having his cake & eating it!

Happy to do things for himself but not for you.....especially that you look after all the kids. He's selfish not you

Original poster

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 09/01/2018 15:34

I’m only mentioning I’m the childcare as my reason for not doing things with his friends compared to his reason being that he just doesn’t want to. I don’t do things with his friends but expect him to do things with mine.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 09/01/2018 15:39

Does he look after all the kids so you can see your friends?

I think if you clear that bit up people will stop focusing on the childcare not and answer your actual question.

My husband isn’t really a fan of socialising but will come along if I really want him too. Maybe get a babysitter and go along with him sometimes?

RebelRogue · 09/01/2018 15:42

Who looks after the kids when you go out?

AngelsSins · 09/01/2018 15:44

So you look after his kids, but he doesn't look after yours, is that right?And if that is right, why on earth would you think that's ok??? When you put yourself out for men who don't offer you the same in return, they end up not respecting you.

As for him putting himself out a bit to join you with your friends, yeah, from time to time, I'd expect him to, it's important to you, so he should make a bit of effort. Is he not a very social person in general, as that may explain his reluctance?

When he goes out with his friends, does he ever suggest a babysitter so that you can join him, or is he happy to leave you at home minding his kids?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2018 15:54

Could you explain the childcare thing?

Original poster

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 09/01/2018 16:07

He does look after the kids when I go out, that really isn’t a problem.
I’d ask him to come to a couples meal with 10 other couples, he’ll say he doesn’t know anyone, doesn’t like the place we’re eating, doesn’t like anyplace in the whole town, etc to avoid coming.
Whereas he’ll ask me to watch him play golf at the weekend and I’ll say ‘who is going to babysit these 4 on a early weekend morning so I can come?’

OP posts:

IntoTheFloodAgain · 09/01/2018 16:44

So what happens when you say that?

Is the problem that you have different reasons for not accepting the offer? So different priorities? Or that one of you doesnt want to hire a child minder for the night?

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 09/01/2018 16:59

He should be making the effort to be more involved in your choices .. Not all him him him.

KarmaStar · 09/01/2018 17:06

Sounds like he is inviting you knowing you can't go as you have the children op

Nikephorus · 09/01/2018 17:09

I’d ask him to come to a couples meal with 10 other couples, he’ll say he doesn’t know anyone, doesn’t like the place we’re eating, doesn’t like anyplace in the whole town, etc to avoid coming.
Whereas he’ll ask me to watch him play golf at the weekend and I’ll say ‘who is going to babysit these 4 on a early weekend morning so I can come?’
You're actually both making excuses for not going. Only yours sound better because they involve the kids. If you wanted to go out with him to golf (for example) you could - you're choosing to play the martyr. He's honest that he doesn't fancy couple-y meals.

Nikephorus · 09/01/2018 17:10

Sounds like he is inviting you knowing you can't go as you have the children op
No, sounds like he's happy for them to arrange a babysitter but she's making excuses.

cherryontopp · 09/01/2018 17:11

So if he were to come out with you for these meals with your friends, who would look after the 4 children?

RebelRogue · 09/01/2018 17:21

So you just have different excuses, but the same lack of will.

That's fine. I don't spend time with my OH's friends, and he doesn't spend time with mine, unless they come over.

Neither of us have any interest in the others friends, and if we do make the effort it normally involves DD somehow.

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