AIBU to ask for a hand hold

[AliTheMinx]

Sorry! I know this isn't really an AIBU but I am feeling a bit delicate and just wanted to ask for a hand hold. I was raped when I was 18, and suffered PTSD after a really awful childbirth with DS six years ago. All of the memories of the horror and the loss of control came flooding back, my body was paralysed with fear and I suffered a really awful tear, which required surgery. Intimate relations are practically impossible now due to mental and physical trauma - poor DH. Thankfully he's very understanding. Anyway, I had to have my smear test tonight and it was really horrible and so painful. I was paralysed with fear and crying and screaming as it was so uncomfortable. The poor nurse was utterly traumatised. Unfortunately I also have a tilted cervix, so it took her three attempts to even locate my cervix. She finally managed to take the swab, bur I feel so sore and shaken. I know it's ridiculous but I'm sitting here in tears :-(

so sorry you went through all those dreadful experiences.

Oh gosh how awful. Big hugs. Have you been able to/want to access counselling for everything you’ve gone through. Pour yourself a large glass of wine/ big mug of tea

Huge sympathy. You are not being ridiculous at all. I have been through similar (rape; ptsd after traumatic birth) and I know a little about how much strength it takes to go for a smear.

Have you heard about the birth trauma association? I have heard good things about them.

Is there something calming you can do tonight? Watch a film that’s an old favourite maybe? Or I find playing the piano helps; or if I am feeling more ragey I go for a run. Draw on what has helped in the past, if you can.

Thank you for your lovely replies. Greatly appreciated. So sorry for your experiences too, Never. It's so hard, isn't it? Sending big hugs. My DS is wonderfully empathetic and was so gentle and caring tonight. He really helped to calm me down xx

My smear is booked and I have very similar issues around them so totally get where you're coming from OP. Bloody well done for going, I'm sorry it wasn't less awful for you but you should feel proud that you still went. Hope you're feeling better now you're home and it's over, hope I'm as brave as you at the end of the month too!

Well done for going, it's such an important thing to do. You should be really proud of yourself for doing it. I've also got a tilted uterus and it takes them ages to find my cervix let alone position the speculum so they can swab..... it's awful but after treatment for early cancer cells I've endured rather a lot of them and am thankfully back to the 3 yearly cycle. All done now, deep breath and relax .

It isn't even slightly ridiculous. Not at all.
Have you sought any treatment for how you are (completely understandably) feeling?