Cuddling child after telling off

[Dizzylin]

DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement because he told DS (2.5) off after repeatedly telling him not to do something and DS ignoring him, DS got a bit upset so I gave him a cuddle but backed DH up by saying "You need to listen to Daddy and do as he asks". DH got cross at me for cuddling him saying that I'm giving DS crossed signals by cuddling him but I can't leave my children upset without some comfort no matter what AIBU?

By doing that you totally undermined your husband.

I agree with the cuddling but by the one that did the telling off

I always give DCs a cuddle after I have told them off. I want them to understand they have done wrong, I don't want them to be upset.

I agree with you. He's only 2 and yes while he needs to know if he's done something wrong (!) a cuddle to comfort him whilst he's upset will do no harm. IMO.

Your DH should of wanted to cuddle him, as he was the one that upset him. I would be more annoyed with him

I always cuddled mine after a telling off.
I would tell them what I wasn't happy with, they'd apologise and agree to try their very best not to do it again. Then we'd draw a line under it (actually used to draw a line in the air) then hug and forget about it. If they then started to do the same thing later they would get a very stern reminder about what happened last time.
As they got older they were disciplined along the lines off toy confiscated/ time out/ writing lines etc but I always hugged them after an apology and told them I love them. It is really important for kids to have boundaries but just as important to know they are loved.
Mine are 16 and 13 now and apart from mild teenage stropiness are very well behaved!

Me and DH always cuddle our DS after we've told him off but it's always done by the parent who did the telling off.

If I told DS off and then DH swooped in to cuddle him I would feel annoyed because I'd feel like he had portrayed me to be the bad guy whilst he plays the good guy.

You made dh the bad guy for parenting his own dc..
You need to discuss your parenting and which page you are on.

He shouldn't be issuing a telling off so severe it really leaves your child distressed.
But you did undermine him.

Of course you should have cuddled him. In fact dh should have but you had to make up for his shit parenting.

Expecting you to leave him crying and leaving him crying himself are borderline emotional abuse imo.

At 2.5 most dc would cry from a telling off - doesn't mean you shouldn't though - ask dh if he was confident he had handled it the right way, then discuss ways to 'handle' your toddler that you both agree with. Op surely you gave dc mixed signals? And yes dh went ott so meeting somewhere middle would work surely?

Thank you. I should point out that DH suffers Depression so struggles with his emotions but he really does try his best. His family aren't the best at showing their feelings whilst mine have never had a problem showing love and affection. I know it's something he really struggles with.

He gets cross that you cuddle an upset 2 year-old! And all that baloney about 'undermining your dh' and 'needing to be on the same parenting page', what that really means is agreeing with everything your dh says or does. Bollox to that!

I don't get the issue. You didn't cuddle him & tell him daddy was a mean man; you cuddled him but still backed up he needs to listen to your DH. That's not undermining!

My DD is 5 & i still give her a cuddle after a telling off. We sit & talk about what happened, why I told her off & then we cuddle it out & draw a line.

In our house the one that gave the telling off also gives the cuddle afterwards, it's a way of saying "I'm cross about what you did but I still love you". I'd be annoyed if my DH comforted our child after I told them off for something, it would feel a bit too much like good cop/bad cop.

Maybe encourage your husband to give a cuddle while saying something like, "What you did annoyed me but I still love you." Make a distinction between the bad behaviour and the person.

I’d say the one who does the telling off does the cuddle as otherwise you risk a good guy, bad guy scenario and it’s a bit crap for your DH to feel like he’s the bad guy while you’re getting the cuddle

I've always say to my kids that I'll never refuse to give kisses and cuddles no matter what and I stick to that (even if sometimes they have to remind me - like if I'm busy and try to say 'later'). Kids need unconditional love. That's my way of giving it. It doesn't mean that anything else is being undermined in terms of discipline.

I cuddle my 18 month old after a telling off but only - ONLY - after she has said sorry for whatever she did wrong. She can't really understand it but she's learning that she needs to make amends for any bad behaviour. I think cuddles should come after they have apologised or resolved the negative behaviour. I do agree you somewhat undermined your husband. He needed to be the one to cuddle.

He should have cuddled her to make it better between them and to signify that he still loved her. Or you should have gently reinforced what he said before cuddling her otherwise it does now look like loving mummy v mean old daddy.

Undermining him would have been saying "don't listen to Daddy my poor darling". Cuddling him whilst reinforcing what DH has said shows your DS that it's his actions - not him - you don't like. I cuddle my DCs after I've bollocked them. A telling-off doesn't mean a withdrawal of affection because children still need to know they're loved and worth loving even when they're at their very worst.

Your DH is BU to expect you not to cuddle a 2 year old at any point.

Your DH should have cuddled him. But in he absence of that, YANBU.