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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend told me something, and now her mum doesn't like me, WWYD?

28 replies

PinkDinoStripe · 08/01/2018 15:17

Have a Friend who I met through DHs work. She's a bit older than me and we've been friends since just before my DD was born (DD is nearly 3).

I've met several of her family members, her mum and dad came to my wedding in 2016 and we've been to eat at each others family. I would consider her mum a friend too; I buy Christmas presents for her and her me and DD.

Summer 2016 my friend told me some medical information about her mum. She was having a tough time having lost her grandmother to the same medical issue so was concerned for her mum. Before Christmas 2016 she was told her mum as going to be fine. Friend of course shared this with me.

I treated this information with the strictest confidence as I would for any friend. I never even told my DH what she'd told me.

Friends mum has some how found out I know this information and is completely blanking me, I assume friend told her during a falling out that I know. The mum sent me a message through Facebook saying that I wasn't supposed to know the information and could I "forget it" I said I would and never mentioned it again.

The mum is now blanking DH and I. Friend has said she's still upset that I know. It's been nearly 6 months now and she still blanks me. DH has asked why but I can't tell him can I? Because I promised I'd not tell anyone.

I really want to make this right, but I don't know how. My friend told me out of concern for her mum, a shoulder to cry on. And I would never betray anyones trust by telling people stuff like this.

WWYD or say to the mum? Or do I just need to leave it until it blows over?

OP posts:
Intercom · 08/01/2018 16:11

I think the Mum is cross with your friend for telling you. However she doesn't want to fall out with her daughter so she's directing her anger at you instead. Have you asked your friend why you're suddenly being blanked through no fault of your own?

Original poster
PinkDinoStripe · 08/01/2018 17:51

Friend just says that her mum is still upset and to leave it when I ask her why I'm being blanked.

OP posts:
khajiit13 · 08/01/2018 17:54

Eh? Just tell your OH and message the mum and explain that you hope she can see past this as her DD only told you due to her concern over her mum and she can trust you won't share it with anyone. She's being silly

Angrybird345 · 08/01/2018 17:56

Just tell your oh ...

Bowerbird5 · 08/01/2018 18:08

No I wouldn't other than to say you were told something in confidence and now she has found out and is upset about it. Don't be tempted to say what it is. Then I would write her a letter a nd explain that her daughter was understandably worried and turned to you. I would stress that you never broke her confidence and you hadn't even told your husband. Tell her how you miss her company and although you can understand her being upset that you feel it is unjustified and you would hope that you can be friends again.
If she doesn't respond within a fortnight then I think you will have to let it go.

CharizMa · 08/01/2018 18:10

Their circus. Their monkeys.

It is nothing you did so don't feel bad.

Wait for it to be yesterday's chip wrappings

CharizMa · 08/01/2018 18:11

Id say nothing to nobody.

whoareyoukidding · 08/01/2018 18:12

I would let it lie for a while and not try to contact the mum. None of this is of your doing but I don't think it would help right now to contact the mum. Also...how could mum have found out unless your friend told her?

Give both a wide berth for a while and then maybe somewhere down the line send a xmas or birthday card and see what happens. I'd be feeling a bit put out if I were you - this is something between friend and mum and you've been dragged in AND scapegoated, bloody cheek.

Crispbutty · 08/01/2018 18:14

You can tell your dh exactly what you have said on here, as there's no specific detail.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/01/2018 18:17

Agree with crisp.

Whiterabbitears · 08/01/2018 18:17

Is the friend being totally honest with you? Could she have maybe put the blame on you somehow for finding out? I would send a simple message to the mum saying you respect her right to privacy and won't tell anyone, I would also say that your friend told you as she needed support just in case the mum has been told a different story?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/01/2018 18:17

They sound like drama queens, it's quite ridiculous really.
Do not keep this from your husband, is my advice.

ATeardropExplodes · 08/01/2018 18:18

The mum sent me a message through Facebook saying that I wasn't supposed to know the information and could I "forget it" I said I would and never mentioned it again.

I would have responded 'what information? If she told me anything I've forgotten it as I have no idea what you are going on about'.

Barnyforever · 08/01/2018 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 08/01/2018 18:23

I agree with PPs, just tell him exactly what you have said on here, there's nothing confidential in what you've shared.

Then just leave it, you don't know what your friend told her mum about how you come to know about this. Personally I think they're both being drama llamas.

RainbowWish · 08/01/2018 18:24

Why do you care?
Why would you want to be friends with the mother. She has treated you appallingly for being a caring friend to her daughter in her time of need.
I would reply to her Facebook message stating such. Also inform her, her daughter CHOSE to confide in you. You didn't force her to tell you. then (i personally would say) you no longer wish contact from her.
Why do you need a friendship with your friends mother as well as your freind?

There is a saying "with friends like that who needs enemies"
That describes the mother to a tee.

Assburgers · 08/01/2018 18:35

My guess is yours wasn’t the only shoulder that got cried on.

It sounds like someone has blabbed, your friend has said “Pink must have said something...” to cover her own back. And when you suggest speaking directly to the mother, your friend says to just leave it (otherwise she gets in trouble).

I’d speak to the mum.

SweetBabyJebus · 08/01/2018 18:40

Oooh, i think Assburgers has it...

Coyoacan · 08/01/2018 18:46

So you are to blame for having your ears open when your friend was talking? I would leave them to it, frankly.

perfectstorm · 08/01/2018 18:52

I had a cousin who went ballistic and defriended me on Facebook when her sister told her I knew something similar. TBH she was a PITA (awful childhood they both had, in fairness, so rationality isn't at a premium) and it was something of a relief. People this melodramatic aren't worth the hassle, IMO.

The mum is now blanking DH and I. Friend has said she's still upset that I know. It's been nearly 6 months now and she still blanks me. DH has asked why but I can't tell him can I? Because I promised I'd not tell anyone.

I disagree. I think you can tell him if you can rely upon him never to tell anyone else. Her behaviour has put you in a bad situation with your husband, and why should your relationship be hostage to loyalty towards a person who clearly feels none whatsoever towards you?

I'd distance myself from these people.

ModreB · 08/01/2018 18:59

I always make it very clear that I discuss most (every) thing with DH before anyone tells me something confidential. DH is one of the most closed mouthed people ever, so I never have an issue with telling him stuff, that people know I am keeping a secret, but never from DH.

On the other hand, my DM cannot keep ANYTHING private. And I mean anything, my miscarriage, my bowel movements after bowel surgery, she cannot keep her flap shut. I learn't this 20 years ago. She now mourns the fact that I tell her nothing, but, why would I when it gets discussed with her WIDE friendship group.

So, I tell DM nothing, and I tell DH everything.

dadshere · 08/01/2018 19:10

Partners aren't included in "don't tell anyone". I would be furious if my dh had kept a secret from me that impacted upon my life. The wedding ring comes above all else. First step come clean to DH.

Wheelerdeeler · 08/01/2018 19:11

Sounds intense for people you only know 3 years.

mygorgeousmilo · 08/01/2018 19:19

I think 3 years is a short amount of time to be getting in to such in-depth dramatics with. How do you go from being friends to having their parents at your wedding by 2016, so you knew them about 18 months? I have many very good friends, including many that I’ve made within the last three years, wonderful and lovely friends that I’d do anything for, except for one thing - getting involved in wierd Family drama.

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 19:19

She told someone else not only you, now they've opened their mouth and she's blaming you to her mother, hence she doesn't want you speaking to her, because then the truth would come out.