To ask if anyone's relationship has recovered from an affair?

[letsdothisoneanon]

Not a drunken one night stand but a proper affair. Either an emotional or physical affair.

What's your AIBU?

Asking personal questions

Some may say yes. But serial cheaters really are 10 a penny. Never met a one off cheat. I work in a bar.

Personally, no. I couldn't forgive and had no idea how long it would take, if ever, to be able to trust him again and I don't see how any relationship can survive without trust.

I know plenty of men who disappear off out for the weekend and leave their wives at home. I also know that a lot of these men cheat regularly with different people.

What I have noticed (in my experience) is that men who have one night stands with various different women but avoid the emotional affairs tend to be the ones who are serial cheaters whereas the ones who have emotional affairs with the same person for a number of months or even years are less likely to cheat again (although there will be those that do!!) it depends whether the partner that cheated wants out and whether you can learn to trust them again as to whether the relationship survives.

They’re still all arseholes though IMHO.

My relationship did, I was just unaware he had actually had one so that may be why. We split up years later. He slept with her quite soon after and is still with her, but had cheated on her in the early days I know.

I think I could. But it wouldn't be the same after

Yes. But it depends on a great deal of time and forgiveness. And the cheater will need to accept that it will never be quite the same. That trust will need to be earned every single day.

Only if there is enough love is there even a chance.
Voice of experience.

I could never look at my husband the same way again.

The respect would be gone. I don't know anyone in RL who has fixed a relationship after cheating.

I cheated on a guy a year into our relationship (I was 18, he was 23). He tried his best and we were together another two years after that but it was never the same and he broke it off.

I've never even considered cheating again. I've been with DH for six years and even in the depths of his mental health lows where we haven't had sex for (literally) years, I haven't glanced at anyone else. I would never cause that hurt again, and I'd never forgive him if he cheated.

I’m 7 months down the line from discovering DH affair. Affair lasted 7 months, convenient sex and affection. Tells me not emotional. Our 16 year marriage was in a very bad lonely place, hadn’t had sex for a few years, drifted in and out of each others interests. We functioned - looking after kids, house etc. but lack of affection and we were both too cowardly to address the situation. His affair has been the catalyst for us to rediscover each other, we’re fighting - together - for our marriage, our foundations were always strong we just really lost our way. He is extremely remorseful, guilty and sad that he went down that cliched route and I went down the route of comfort eating.... vwe’re close, affectionate, sexual and laughing with each other. Handholding and just enjoying rediscovering each other. Counsellor says for some it can be a positive game changer and I’m hoping for us that’s the case. Yes at times I’m still emotional, angry, blood boiling but that is slowly reversing. It’ll take a long time yet but maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve asked a million questions and he’s answered them, he texts and calls me a lot, the trust is coming back.

Depends on the people involved. Regardless of 1 night stand or full blown affair you can still work it out. DH had a 1 night stand years ago told me immediately the next day and we seperated for a month. I had time to work through my feelings he had time to think about what a shit he was and we're still together now no regrets. The trust has been built back up over time. Its not easy and not everyone can deal with it though. Very different depending on the people and relationship involved

No, it didn't and for good reason. I don't compromise my personal principles for anybody. I was devastated at the time and emotionally wanted to make it work but logically I knew my principles had to take precedence over trusting a cheat not to cheat again. I'm glad I made that decision but I wouldn't judge someone for making a different one.
I do think there's a high instance of cheaters cheating again though and there's a fine line between earning trust back and ending up being controlled (ie, having to hand their phone in for regular checks) and that when it gets to the point you have to control someone to that extent it's just not fixable and you'll end up in a state of paranoia while they're in a state of guilt and misery and that's not healthy for anybody (I've recently seen a relationship like that) so if it can work it takes hard work, balance and a fuck load of trust and personally I wouldn't put my heart in a cheaters hands.