To not want to send DD for a sleepover?

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DD's 9. She goes to a school which we joined only two years ago and while I know the parents of her best friends, there's a few parents of other kids she's mentioned, who I don't know because we've not done playdates and or I haven't ever spoken to them in the playground.

A text arrived today asking about DD attending a birthday sleepover at a girl's in her class's house...we're in Oz so it's the summer holidays here.

Now...DD has sometimes complained about this child being a bit difficult. I know the girl has had some social issues...difficulty forming friendships.

But DD is a sociable and generally kind kid so has probably been nice to her.

But she's not what DD would particularly call a friend.

I know the right thing to do is to ask DD "Do you want to go to X" but I'm a bit unsure because I don't really know the family. I know OF the Dad as he's come into my sphere due to my work...he's well respected locally.

But is it "normal" to just send your 9 year old off to someone's home for a sleepover when you've never had a playdate and don't really know the parents?

If DD doesn't want to go..I feel a bit sad for the little girl knowing she's had some issues...but then it's not my responsibility is it? Or DDs. And if she DOES want to go I'll be a bit worried about her.

WHat to do?

Yanbu, a sleepover for the first playdate is a bit much, isnt it? Especially when they aren't friends. I'd just say you've made other plans.

Following as I want to avoid sleep overs altogether for my little one, when she's older. I certainly wouldn't let her sleep over at someones house I didn't know really really well.

How about saying that your DD is able to go and play during the day but can't stay overnight due to other commitments.
I wouldn't feel very comfortable about a sleepover where I knew nothing about the family either.

My daughter has incited a friend I don't know the parents of for a sleepover!

They will be 9 - she has a close friend (who I know well) and a third friend do most things together at school. The 3 of them slept at the close friends house for a birthday last year so I've just invited them both but it's true I don't know much about her or who her family are.

I think at 9 sleepovers are becoming more common in our circle.

Good to hear I'm not being over cautious! I can sometimes tend towards too much worry.

Alice I felt the same when mine were small...but mine are 13 and 9 now and it gets hard to avoid. As you get to know their best friends' families, it seems weird to say no altogether.

I sent my almost-9-yr-old on a birthday sleepover when the DC had never had a "playdate" before. But I "know" the parents to speak to on the playground, had their DC for a party at our house, the DC had been on a sleep-away camp together and they spend 6 hours at school together every day. My DC was happy to be asked and happy to go.

It's up to you, but I would certainly ask DD and make it clear it is OK to say no if she wants to, and that you will help navigate the invite either way - that she could go & not stay over if she'd rather etc. You can't just refuse without telling DD.

As to whether it's reasonable for a sleepover playdate to be offered it's a birthday, so it's more of a "party so doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me. Find out who else is invited - will this ease your worries? I'd feel odd sending my DC on a sleepover if they'd never had a regular playdate ever before if it weren't for the birthday party context - I think this is different, in my opinion.

I don’t think yabu, no. Though my eldest is only 3, so sleepovers aren’t really the done thing for us yet.

It’s not just the not knowing the parents, it’s the fact that your dds aren’t really friends which I’d find a bit much as a 9yo.

Can't you meet the parents before she goes? Or have the other girl at yours first?

No YANBU at all, how about saying to the parents of the child that she could go until a certain time and then you would collect her?

Squirrels See, I don't think it is different...obviously there'll be cake etc but that's all...it's the same situation isn't it? Parents DD doesn't know, a house she's never visited....

I think as DailyMail says, the main thing is that they're not friends...as the lack of previous playdates shows.

I think the kindest thing would be to suggest DD goes to visit but not the sleepover.

Thing is, I've just remembered that it's some kind of activity during the day...so it would be like "DD will come to the outing but not the sleepover" which might be a bit cheeky?

Should I just say she's busy to keep it simple? Aagh!

Constant I do know which girl it is and I've chatted once to the Mother for about three sentences on parents evening. So inviting her to play wouldn't change anything really. I still haven't seen their house and DD doesn't know the parents.

Thing is, I've just remembered that it's some kind of activity during the day...so it would be like "DD will come to the outing but not the sleepover" which might be a bit cheeky?

That isn't cheeky,I wouldn't think anything of it if it were my childs party, some parents don't like their kids sleeping over especially that young

Thanks Trinity....I think things are a lot more casual here in Australia. People seem very relaxed and I'm aware of seeming stuck up or something. Being English in Oz, you do become aware of cultural differences.

Could you say your daughter hasn't done sleepovers before and feel it would be better if she did the first at a house where she knew the parents really well - but could she come for the earlier part of the party? Then if she has a lovely time and there's a second invitation you and she will know it'll be fine.

I get you (also English in Aus) but I wouldn't let it prevent me from doing what is better for my child.

I have 2 boys, so sleepovers are slightly less common as a party theme, but I wouldn't let DS1 (now 10) do a sleepover at a random's house, whose parents I hadn't really spoken to, and whose house he'd never been to before.
He does occasional sleepovers at a friend's house, who he's known since playgroup, and whose mum I know well; and he's done one party sleepover at another friend's house, whose mum I also know well.

A couple of years ago, with the first friend, he had a homesickness attack in the middle of the night and my friend brought him home, around 12:30. I can't imagine that going down well with people he doesn't know - he either wouldn't ask, and be absolutely miserable, or he'd ask and they'd probably try to encourage him to get over it.

Might be a bit sooky of me but I wouldn't want him to have that experience at all. :(

I think it's fair enough to say she can't sleep over.

Perhaps it would help to do some playdates though, as it'll keep happening if you don't get to know the other parents.

As the parent of a child who does have "social issues" as you put it, it's much easier to have other children come to us than to let him go to other people's houses out of our sight. But you need to do what feels right with your daughter, you can't send her somewhere you're uncomfortable with for the night out of a sense of social obligation.