AIBU to be angry at old "friends"

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

It's pointless to say "please be kind" in AIBU but here goes...

I have recently realised that one of my friends is annoyed with me as she feels that I'm not understanding what she's going through as her and her DH are away to start IVF, and the questions I'm asking & the things I am saying are "really stupid". Example: she starts IVF this month after a few false starts past two years. I've said things along the lines of "I'm excited for you".

Another friend of mine who is agonising over whether to start IVF or not took a chunk out of me over Christmas as I said I didn't know what day it was (on the 28th). This is because I'm "not working" (I am on mat leave) and she doesn't need "another reminder"" of "her lot".

CONTEXT: Of the friends I have had past 10 years I am the only one who has had children without fertility issues. I had a mc in Aug 2016 and not one of those friends had anything supportive to say. This I completely let slide, after all, I conceived and I don't want that to be rammed in their faces, even if it didn't work out for me that time.

Whilst i cannot at all claim to understand the pain of infertility and the IVF/adoption process, I feel that I'm losing my old friends right left and centre as - quite frankly - I have had my children "easily" and they have not (quote unquote yet another friend I know who is experiencing fertility issues).

I am 33 and I had to make certain choices fast to ensure I had a crack at getting the family I wanted so much. I know how very lucky I am that this worked out for me. Marriage, babies and a house move happened in very rapid succession but all for the good.

AIBU to now feel angry at being deserted by my old friends because of the obvious anger they are showing to me about my having a family and being "a SAHM" (I'm not - two maternity leaves one after the other)? Has this happened to any of you and how did you handle it without going "FUCK YOU ALL" because you've exhausted all of your sympathy and support reserves and tried to take an active and supportive interest in what they are going though only to have it thrown back again and again?

I can never EVER claim to know what the pain of infertility feels like. EVER. It consumes folk and being a veteran of the TTC boards myself I have looked through that window. It's like every damned thing I say is stepping on a landmine and I'm not thick, I'm not going on and on about my darling children nor slagging them off for not sleeping etc.

I am just so fucking fed up of trying to be a friend and getting pushed away as I literally "don't know what it's like".

HELP.

I share the opinions of pp that you need to take into consideration the possibility that you are being insensitive. You have included two comments you made presumably as examples of the most innocuous things you have said but one of them, "How exciting!" about IVF, is obviously insensitive for the reasons set out by pp, which makes me think that you are likely to have shown other insensitivity.

Nor does a few months on the TTC boards count as "looking through the window of infertility" and I hope you have not attempted to empathise with them on this sort of basis.

Personally I have found the infertility boards helpful to me in supporting those close to me suffering from fertility struggles. I care enough about them to want to educate myself about what they are going through. It is a very, very difficult and delicate situation and one that needs to be handled with utmost care. Imo (and as someone in a similar position to you in that I am pregnant and have people close to me who are struggling) you are too quick to assume that they are all simply jealous of your life choices and circumstances and that your own behaviour has been impeccable.

Thanks for the replies, especially to @misscongeniality whose thread I’ll read properly later.

A couple of things:

1. As I said in my OP I am not thick. Never in a month of Sundays would i say anything crassly insensitive. I have started threads on here asking what do you say to friends having a shit time TTC/starting IVF. The moment I felt out of my depth I consulted those on here in a good position to advise.

1. The “how exciting” comment was to the friend who’d expressed relief at finally getting to the starting the process stage and she said she was feeling so positive and ready for it all. Animated language begets an animated response. But a stupid one, apparently.

It’s evident that sometimes friendships just don’t survive big life differences and it’s a wrench as I’m so sad about just not being able to have the banterous and fun relationships I once had with them - as a PP said one of her friends wanted her to walk on eggshells. I feel like that now and it makes me actually angry. So maybe the answer is to step back but always keep the door open.

I’m so sad about just not being able to have the banterous and fun relationships I once had with them

Maybe they aren't in a fun and bantery place right now. Also maybe its not all about you?

"I think they're being very precious and self absorbed. I'm sure your own life isn't all a bed of roses. Babies are hard work! Can you never voice your own woes?"

TBH I think it's very insensitive to complain about the hard work of parenting to someone who'd give anything to be in that situation. If you'd been homeless for 5 years with no prospect of things improving, would you appreciate your friends moaning about their perfectly adequate homes and saying things like "Having a house is no bed of roses! At least you don't have to pay the bills or do housework! It's probably for the best. There's more to life than having a home!" If you had no food, and may never find any, would you expect a "good friend" to moan at you about how their steak was undercooked at the restaurant, or to keep sending you photos and updates of food they enjoy?

YANBU. Your friends sound selfish and bitter and like they think they can use you as an emotional punching bag. It made me angry to read what they’ve said to you - and I say that as someone who’s had IVF and five miscarriages plus a chemical pregnancy!

To a previous poster. TTC and infertility is not the same as being homeless. I’ve been there. Please get some perspective.

It's probably time to make some new friends because unfortunately you are now out of step with the friends you previously had and, while you might be the most sensitive person in the world, it can still drive a wedge no matter what you do.

I had this situation with two friends. We were all at the stage of trying for DC2 and I happened to be the first one to get pregnant while they were still trying. One of them distanced herself from me straight away to the point where we went to a party and she spent the entire time on the opposite side of the room to me with people she didn't even know and would roll her eyes and look annoyed whenever she saw me show up to group stuff.

Just after I had my DC2, this friend had a failed IVF attempt and the other friend had a miscarriage. I tried my best to be sensitive about it and be sympathetic but naturally the shared experience drew them closer together so I found myself edged out.

Both of them have now gone on to successfully have second DCs but it was a long road and unfortunately our friendship never recovered.

It can be a very irrational thing too that is not always directed personally at you. Both friends knew other people who had second and even third children without problems but for some reasons they really zeroed in on me. Maybe I was not sensitive enough or was just someone they hadn't liked very much to begin with? I don't know. I was struggling with a toddler and baby at the time and a depressed DH and was not doing great myself anyway so hard to tell if it was me or them.

Long story short, we are no longer friends. Last time I saw one of them was shortly after she had her DC2 and when I briefly mentioned that I was not planning to have a third DC but you could never know for sure, she almost pinned me up against a wall and cross-examined me on what exactly I meant and whether I was going to have a third or not and starting asking me the most intimate questions on my family planning choices - made me really uncomfortable!

Either way, I'm glad I don't see much of them anymore although it was hurtful at the time to feel rejected. Sometimes a friendship reaches a natural endpoint and sometimes it's no-one's fault so you just have to let it go. Think of it this way - would you treat them that way if it was the other way around?

Actually I've been homeless and I've been infertile. Infertility was worse because I didn't know if it would ever end. Homelessness at least there were things I could do to be proactive that I knew would probably get me a home soon.

The homelessness thing is a weird analogy.

It’s totally irrelevant.

It’s evident that sometimes friendships just don’t survive big life differences

Yes. Some do, some don't, most are slightly different, and many have a hiatus while the big life stuff works through. Eg I am now good friends again with people who do not have DC now that we are out of the nappy, no sleep and weaning stage of child rearing. For some time I didn't see a friend who had had a horrific time conceiving, then lost her much-wanted baby then had to have life-saving surgery which left her infertile. I had to give her space to deal with what she was going through, and I hope that in due course our friendship will recover, but realistically it may not.

It's OK to feel sad about that, but this isn't all about you, it's about other people too who are having a hard time at the moment