AIBU to worry about DD

[Cantaffordanythingdecent]

My DD broke up with her very long term boyfriend on January 1st. She'd been having doubts for a while, and said me on this day that she wanted to live this year properly. My DD has a very in the moment approach, and whilst this is normally quite refreshing, I'm worried about her/her ex boyfriend and I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

Both ex and DD are 19. So not overly mature but technically adults. Her boyfriend was a lovely lad, but not as sparky or as outgoing as DD. He had issues with depression and self handing, and a major lack of confidence. I think this was what played quite a large part in their breakup.

Anyway, she broke up with on Jan the 1st in person. He cried loads, said he couldn't live with out her, said his life was worth nothing without her. Since then he has also messaged her this, saying they can make it work, etc... she's ignored the messages entirely, apart from one reply to say he's not helping himself and that she's not getting back together with him.

And I'm worried as a week later, DD is already quite involved with another guy. They met at a pub, have hit it off very well and DD is already spending loads of time with him. He's very outgoing and similar to her (I've met him) and I can see why they like each other so much.

However I am fretting as DD's new guy and our house is very local to her exes house. I'm worried he is going to find out, that it is too soon for DD to be messing around with someone else (she left it three days) and that it's going to end nastily when the ex does find out.

On the other hand, my DD is a very 'right now' person and she seems so happy. Much happier. If I said she should wait a few weeks before getting involved with someone to save her exes feelings, she'd just say she's living her own life and that she can't wait around when she's met someone she likes.

I only worry so much as I knew her ex for many years, know his depressive histories and am genuinely worried.

But I'm also happy for my wonderful DD, who hasn't a bad bone in her body and wouldn't intentionally hurt her ex.

So AIBU to worry?

Note, just worry. I'd never get involved.

Thank you.

I think 3 days is a bit quick but then again this is probably quite normal for a 19 year old. I can understand that you’re worried but she is not responsible for her ex’s issues and a clean break may be a good move for her, especially if you’re worried about his temperamental behaviour. I’d perhaps tell her your concerns and discuss her not flaunting it too much on social media, until feelings settle down a bit.

She's already said she is sharing nothing on social media. Pictures with friends, but not the new guy. I think the relationship ended for DD herself mentally a while ago. She struggled breaking up with him badly as his last girlfriend (although it was two years ago) had loads of issues with the ex after.

It does seem quick but I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm sure it's perfectly normal for a teenage girl.

And it's also nice to see her being a normal teenager. I liked the ex mostly (was concerned about his emotional issues and the effect they had on DD) but they didn't go out much. To be honest I had a slight fear they'd end up staying together very long term and DD would never end it due to the fact it was comfortable and what she knew. Only her second boyfriend. I'm glad she's now got the opportunity to go out and have some fun.

The only thing I would do is telephone the exDB parents and let them know you are concerned about him.

Then back off out of it.

What blacktea said.

If you do have concerns about him, please do speak to his parents.

When I was 18 I broke up with my boyfriend. He had been depressed previously and then kept threatening to commit suicide after I broke up with him.

I didn't know what to do as he was being quite graphic in what he was saying, so my dad called and spoke to his dad to let his parents know we were concerned. They were very helpful and he was able to get the help that he needed.

With regards to your DD, of corse it's normal to worry. But she seems absolutely fine by the sounds of it- especially if she hadn't been particularly happy in the relationship for a while.

Sounds like it's best for both of them but your concerns are of course valid - it's only natural to worry!

*course!

I never spoke to his parents in the two years. They are a very cosy, detached family. They do a lot together but seem very isolated. I made attempts to reach out to them via a casual drink invitation with DD and ex six months ago (I think it's fairly standard to want to meet the parents of your teenagers long term boyfriend?)

I could send a letter. Or try and find their number

Unless you think this ex could hurt her, there is no problem. She can't be held responsible for his reaction to their breakup especially if he already has MH issues. Please don't make her feel responsible. I wouldn't be surprised if her ex is doing that anyway.

I think new bloke has been in the background and probably a factor in the break up your Dd is young and having a bit of fun, her relationship was probably intense and exhausting and she is letting off steam with new bloke I wouldn't worry too much she isnt responsible for her Ex and his feelings any morw. My own dd was in a similar LTR they split a year ago and Dd went a bit nuts for a few months she settled down

My parents had only met my boyfriend's parents once, and very briefly.

I think phoning would be better than a letter, a letter seems to formal.

Just to let them know that you are concerned about him with how things ended, and that you know of course that they will support him but you know what teenagers can try and hide their feelings, so want to make them aware in case he's not ok.

Or something along those lines!

Leave it alone, everyone will get over it quicker.
If he threatens to harm himself then call parents or 999.

I think you are being very kind thinking about him, but really you dont know him that well or his parents, and your DD is an adult so there is limits to what you can do.

You can call 999 if he text saying he is going to kill himself, you can advise your daughter to be sensitive to him by not plastering photos of her with new guy on social media. Above and beyond that none of this, in the nicest possible way is your responsibility.

She has to learn how to navigate life and this is one of the things that will help her. if she comes to you outright for help then of course that is different.

Im 42 now so old, but when I broke up eventually with my arsehole of an abusvie exP when I was 21, I got together with a bloke Id known as mates for few years than night and spent 3 years with him. Didnt work out - but was all part of lifes learning cycle. It wouldnt have occurred to me back then that it was too quick or weird, it was just what happened. You sound like a lovely mum but let her learn for herself and contact his parents or police if you are really worried for his MH.