AIBU to feel like a failure because my best friend's life has turned out so well?

[Bumsnetnetbums]

First time poster here.
Me and my friend have known each other years. In some ways our lives are similar. Mainly our childrens ages and we got friendly as both single parents. Recently I have started to pull away at how our lives are changing. This isnt to be spiteful far from it i am happy she is. But by the same brush my life is hard and i am unhappy.
My ex was nasty. Hers also wasnt great. We carried on with our kids however one of mine has a life threatening illness and the other has a physical disability. Hers has some mild special needs but these are genuinely minor. Am not minimising so please no posts about invisible disabilities as im not like that and helped her over the yrs as she has me.
She has since met a lovely man and physically is looking amazing. They both have their parents who are generous and they have lovely holidays and on facebook look perfect. I get this is only a snapshot but they are all very happy. She also has loads of friends and is very keen that people think good of her as in she presents herself in a certain way.
My parents are both dead. We have no contact with ex as social services would become involved if we did. I have had to quit work due to caring responsibilities. I have no time or money to look nice. I have a severe and enduring mental illness and a physical condition causing pain.
I am pulling back because the more I see her life the more depressed i feel. I will never get another partner first because i believe im worthless after ex. Second due to the strain of kids and my own conditions.
The thing upsetting me is that anytime i try and talk through my problems (very rare) hers are always worse. Her negative experiences are always worse than mine similarly her childs needs are more worse even though there have been 4 surgeries this year alone on my DD. Everyone thinks shes an angel for coping. Her childhood was worse than mine she was more battered than me in marriage. The reason she has not got a mental illness is because she thinks positive. Her achievements are made out to be the same as mine so for instance i would get a degree and her a gcse (example). But she would tell everyone and put it on fb about what shes qchieved despite adversity and how hard her life is. Its draining. I feel anything nice about my like is minimised and any acheivements are invalidated as they arent hers.
If i make friends, she makes friends with them too and then it is always about her being over bearing and all these hard things she has overcome and said friends are totally inspired. I on the otherhand pull away or it is all about my friend and how great she is. I now keep any friends secret or mention them under pseudonyms so she cant steal them. I must sound about 12.
I struggle to get through each day. Many times she has helped me out. But I am starting to resent this as she comes across so smug (to me) and i feel irritated by it. I might be bad for feeling this but i do and i have withdrawn a lot. Then according to her i am ungrateful and think im too good for her.
I honestly feel so shit when i see her and hear her talking about the next holiday or anything. I cannot understand why anyone would want me but she is so sure she is attractive that she demands respect. She has made the most of herself since being married and looks lovely. I am sure this is the right way to be.
But like another poster asked i would probably erase myself from life. I am already doing it anyway (not suicidal but no point if friends are going to be taken off me-i now spend every day alone or with my kids). She criticises my parenting. It should be her way or no way.
What can i do to feel better? I am happy shes happy but its making me feel worse. I dont want to feel like it
Why are some peoples lives so much nicer than others? I know im lucky to have a home and car and to have kids. To someone else i have a perfect life i suppose so maybe i am just depressed.
So AIBU to feel like this and what can i do about it?

OP sympathies from 99.9 per cent of us.

Either leave Facebook and any social media like Snapchat. Or restrict yourself on them. I know plenty of people they've depressed and made feel more isolated.

See if you can read the book recommended when the DCs are in bed.

If your appearance is bothering you - don't let it - but there's a difference between that and taking pride so you can go to your former boss and ask for a part-time job. My DCs are always telling me to brush my shoes (and hair!) and check I don't have holes in my tights.

Can you go to your GP and ask what therapies are available?

I know it's all easy to say but just don't give up, you're clearly doing a great job with your DC and if you can, just smile when you can.

Yesterday went to an activity at school. She brought her husband. Anyone I like to speak to she took over. Shes so so domineering that the thought of having to be near her till our kids leave school makes me want to cry. I would love to get further from her but cant. Cannot ask for support with my DD as her child has more needs. Not true but she shouts so loud it is taken as true. Shes desperate to be seen as good. I feel anxious at the thought of bumping into her it makes me want to never go out. Im sick of her but if i said anything people would think im the horrible one.
I feel my life is over i will never have anyone for me away from her

You're being a bit defeatist about this, OP. Your life is not over. You can walk away from this woman and never, ever speak to her again if you choose to do so.

You just need to put some boundaries in place and to let time do its work in accustoming everyone to them. If she interrupts or talks over you, let her finish and then turn to the other person and say "As I was saying..." and just resume where you left off. It's all about learning to be assertive - not aggressive - assertive.

Thanks whisky. Am aware my opinions are skewed. I am not assertive at all.

Do you think it's possible that the people talking to you include her when she comes upto you because they think she's your friend and are being polite? They might think she's a complete bitch?

I really think it's a very abusive relationship you have with her (I won't call it a friendship because it's not) she's convinced you that your life isn't tough and that your weak, but from what I've read your life is tough but you are strong.
Let the scales fall from your eyes when it come to her, she's not better than you, she's not nice to you, other people can see through her, other people may dislike her and your life will be better is she's downgraded to annoying acquaintance. Don't let her try and keep dragging you down.

Thanks so much. I feel like a baby having these feelings and pathetic. Nobody else sees it except me. Everything goes good for her. I am glad of this just feel so crap. Got an email to go and meet my old boss tho. This will help me focus on something else. Grateful for the replies.
I also need to do sometging with my appearance i am very plain prob to not get noticed but coukd be better than i am.

I highly doubt no-one else sees it. People might not comment in public, but someone that self-obsessed and competitive is bound to raise a few eyebrows in private.

It's great that you're going to meet your old boss. And definitely do something nice for yourself. You deserve to feel very, very much better about yourself than you do.

Thank you. It just seems everything goes well for her. I suppose she could be selective in what she shares with people though. She is so black and white. It is this way because such and such, who she has judged to be right, says despite any evidence to the contrary. She said i took sonething of hers ie borrowed it and never returned it. I never did but had to buy her a new one. Things like that.
I think just try to ignore. It is hard as i have to see her every day but fake it till you make it etc.

does anyone have tips on how to feel less ugly? I dont know where to start?

How to feel better about yourself?
Lots of practical tips over on the S&B topic - you could even start a new thread directly.
But my main tip is to start telling yourself you are amazing - even if you don't yet believe it. You have got to be your own cheer leader in your head before anyone else will.

Of course this person edits her fb posts to only show the good stuff - she is draining you and you know you need to pull back

Actually I have another tip - read Sarah Millican's book "How to be Champion" - it's funny but she also talks some good sense about making yourself feel better about yourself

Smiling is the best way to look better- fake it til you make it if you have to. Put make up on before you go out.
You can heal your life by Louise hay is a book you can buy second hand. It is full of affirmations which you repeat over and over through the day so can be done if you are home all day. It feels like woo but I have to say that amazingly they did help me.
Can’t you tell her you are wasting too much time on fb and are coming off it for a while and block her??

If you have time, Google 'narcissism' as I think you might feel validated. I have (too much) experience of these energy vampires and so much of what you've described with this woman rings a lot of bells. Do not feel bad because she occasionally does 'nice' things for you - it's all a ploy. They do that to mess with your head, and to have so-called evidence of how amazing and kind they are to fool other people. No real friend would behave the way she has towards you. And please, try to stop doubting yourself when it comes to her actions, she has been gaslighting you and it's really confusing and tough to deal with.
And! You're not ugly. Nobody with a good heart is ugly. Your kids won't see you that way. Sometimes when we've had awful (ugly) experiences we absorb it all and start to identity with it, as though it's part of us. But it's not. From what you've described, you've been through a lot of seriously tough crap for a very long time. It's your turn now, sod all the toxic and superficial people and allow yourself to visualise how you would like to feel each day. That is your right, to create a happy life for you and your kids in defiance of all the horrible rubbish life has thrown at you xx

She sounds a lot like my mother. I am everything wrong in the world. Bad daughter. If I have anything, she’s had it 10 times worse. I’m chronically ill and have chronic pain. But her back hurts - she fractured a vertebrae in her teens, which gives her twinges from time to time. I otoh really don’t have a life. I don’t go out, I can’t go shopping or do pleasurable things. Even have sex, this would make me very ill.

I take my dd to school, spend most of the day in bed or at appointments for massages that dh and I pay for. Without these massages, I would be incapacitated. I really struggle to pick dd up in the afternoon, she is now 9 and gets her own tea when I can’t do it. Sometimes I collapse on the ground at the School gates. I have ME and it’s been pretty severe for the past year.

My mother just had an operation and is recovering. It was a nasty one. A week later, she declared she’d been to hell and back. I had to stop myself from laughing. You don’t go to hell and back in a week. Ive had 7 years of hell.

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. It sounds really tough. Your friend is using you for narcissistic supply. Ie to make herself feel good. She really does like having you around to beat up. This isn’t a friend, it’s a punch bag. Personally, I wouldn’t try to say anything to her. It will only make her worse. The thing is you’re feeling really confused because she comes running when you need her. This is all part of the process of being a narcissist. She can see herself as a big hero as she also has a martyr complex. The thing you need to work out is does her help outweigh the shit it comes with? She doesn’t help your mental health were better, would you even need her to help if you felt better?

I think you need to go on an assertiveness course and learn how to stand up for yourself more, or at least to understand that your feelings and needs are just as valid as everyone else's.

Your friend is an emotional leech. She needs to be top of the heap, and she doesn't care how much she hurts you on the way to get there - in fact, she needs to hurt you to get you to leak emotional energy for her to feed on.

She is not a true friend. Any help you ask her for, that she gives, only feeds into her self-aggrandising picture of herself as such an angel, such a helper, such a rescuer. She's doing it for the recognition for herself, not to actually help you because you need it. She really likes it when you ask her to help because it lets her feel superior to you yet again - YOU need HER. SHE is better than you. That's how she feels.

For the sake of your own sanity, cut ties as much as you can. I agree with asking your old boss if there's any way you could do part time work, or even work from home, to try and keep your hand in.

I'm so sorry that your DD is having such issues and hope that the operations etc. that she's had will help her, and help you too.

But lose this witch out of your life if you can - she honestly does nothing actually for you.

Me too re assertiveness. I have none. Will reply later as off out. Thanks for replies

Well my boss is up for a meeting although i am already panicking at the thought! I have aimed small so today we went to park kids loved it and i feel 'good' tired if that makes sense.
I havent been in contact so not overly bothered and also deactivated fb. Not missing it tbh. Going to get something nice to eat and put us all a film on. I love times like this so that is mine. Thank you all for responding xx

Hi op just searched the thread to pop in and see how you're doing.
Make sure you keep on top of free events/activities locally. We are at a Lego club in the library. V random and free and we don't go with anyone it's just the dds and me. It's our thing x

Ah thanks queen xx

I have just RTFT and have no time (always late) but really wanted to say: you sound pretty damn inspiring actually and she sounds like a very insecure woman.

I'd distance yourself from her as much as possible but also - take back your power. She doesn't pull the strings of the whole world.

Something I always think of when I meet people like this, which helps me not feel intimidated by them, is to remember their bullshit. Because when they say how much better they are than you/worse they have it than you, you start getting sucked in and believing it and that's what takes your confidence. So I always think:

Elevenerife.

If you said you'd been to Tenerife, she'd say she had been to Elevenerife. Everything that comes out of her mouth is laughable and bullshit so you don't have to actually give it the time of day.

thanks for this. I will bear that in mind!