AIBU to not attend wedding / hen?

[LyraPotter]

My sister's best friend is getting married. I've known her a long time and am very fond of her, but she is v much my sister's friend.

She is getting married this year, and after about 6 months of to-ing and fro-ing her hen party plan has been made. It's going to be a meal in her hometown in Essex. I live in Scotland.

I don't think I can attend her wedding or hen party without serious difficulty. Her wedding is taking place on a Thursday in a very rural area, which would mean I would have to take 3 days holiday, as well as paying for flights and accommodation. Her hen party is the weekend after a v close friend's wedding in London, so would involve me travelling the length of the country twice in the space of a week (plus all associated expense).

My sister things that her friend will feel let down if I don't attend either, but I wonder if IABU? I will happily send a gift, but the time and expense seems astronomical when I've never spent any time with her except through my sister. I am grateful to have been invited and I hope she would know that. Is it ungrateful and rude not to attend either event?

For context she was invited to my hen and wedding (her parents are family friends and were also there, it was a whole family invite and she was invited to my hen more for my sister's benefit). She came to my wedding but not my hen.

Can I make up for this with an amazing gift or AIBU not to go to either?

Thanks all! X

Repeat the oft-quoted MN mantra: it's an invitation, not a summons.

No, I don't think it's unreasonable to not go to your sister's rural weekday wedding, nor to travel half the country for a meal in Essex. You had committed to other wedding first, yes you can make it up to her although it dos sound like a good excuse for proper catch up.

It's a difficult one. I think I would definitely say no to the hen do, as you're in London the weekend before and it's a bit far to come just for a meal.

As for the wedding, I think it entirely depends how close you are. If she's just your sisters friend I probably wouldn't go either, but if she is an old friend of yours too then I would probably make an effort.

Having said that, when people book their weddings on week days they should be prepared for people not being able to come because of that.

I don't want to sound cruel, but is it possible you're invited to the Thursday wedding because too many guests have already said no?

I mean, I had enough faff to handle a wedding 40m from home on a Saturday for a very good friend. Thursday would piss me right off, even for a very good friend.