Help to move on from DD birth

[zannary]

Can anyone please help me to move on and forget about my first birth experience?

My DD is 2 1/2 and since she was born I haven't been able to let go of the experience I had when I gave birth.

My pregnancy was pretty standard, it wasn't easy and I suffered morning sickness for the whole 9 months but overall we were both healthy.

On my due date my waters broke at 8pm. I called my midwife who advised me to do what I could to get my contractions going. So that's what I did. By 8am after mild contractions I was advised to go to hospital to be checked. They confirmed my waters had gone (not fully) but to go home and get my contractions going to the recommended amount. So by 6pm I was there and made my way to hospital. When I arrived I was put on a monitor where I was informed I was severely dehydrated and my baby wasn't happy. I was quickly put on a drip. After 2 failed attempts of inserting the cannula and being left in agony for hours because I was told I was "overreacting" they finally realised it had been inserted wrong and quickly removed it and it was reinserted by an anaesthetist. I was then left until the morning. At about 7am I was informed I now had no midwife but I would be induced using a pessary as I hadn't dilated. When that was done I was left for 12 hours when I finally had a midwife. It had been 48 hours since my waters broke and I had no sleep. I was then highly advised to have an epidural otherwise I wouldn't manage the birth.
I was prepped for my epidural which was inserted incorrectly causing spinal fluid to leak out of my back and my brain began to swell causing an epidural headache. At no point was I informed anything had gone wrong.
I then ended up on oxygen and a few hours later developed an infection. I had luckily reached 10cm by about 2am and was asked to get ready to push. 40 minutes later my DD arrived.
She was taken away and tested for infection. She had contracted a very high level of infection where later she would be taken twice for a lumber punch as the first one went wrong. I was still unaware why this was needed and later found out they were concerned she may have meningitis.
The following day my epidural error become so unbearably painful that I was taken to theatre to have another epidural and received a blood patch.
We both stayed in hospital for a week and then our infections, after both receiving antibiotics, had gone. After I have experienced ongoing back problems and have paid out hundreds in chiropractor fees.

I'm sorry I've gone on and in so much detail but I really need to speak to others who may have experienced similar and how they have dealt with it.

I appreciate any comments.

Oh I'm so sorry for what you've been through and are still suffering.

I think you need a proper debrief with a professional as clearly you are traumatised. Post traumatic stress is different to anxiety, stress or depression and you need good help from someone qualified to assist you.

I also went through birth trauma and got excellent help from a specialist organisation www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

Once I had professional help, I recovered quite quickly.

That sounds awful. I am not surprised that you may have found this traumatic. Glad you hear you both got through the worst of it all the beginning (physically). Does your NHS trust have any form of psychological support within Women's services? All NHS trusts have feedback and complaints procedures if that was a route that would provide you with some validation of what happened also.

Sending

Have you contacted your hospital and spoken to the staff involved in your birth? Most hospitals have a birth afterthoughts team. It’s been a long time since your dd’s birth - it might have been an idea to do this earlier.

I’m not sure how you contracted an infection so quickly, or how your dd did - was it linked to your infection? How?

Christ that sounds awful. I'm not surprised you are traumatised you shouldn't have had to go through that. I don't have any advice, just didn't want to read and run - I hope you're ok x

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I had an awful birth with my youngest who is now 3.5. Not the same as yours but some bits were similar like me and my ds both had infections and he had to have a lumbar puncture in case he had meningitis. I ended up with a c-section and ds didn't breathe on his own for ages, I think it was about 2 hours. When I first saw him he looked like one of those reborn dolls. I had a birth debrief at the hospital which helped.

I'm still unsure to this date why I got an infection. I don't know if the multiple examinations and the fact my waters had gone 55 hours before she arrived had anything to do with it. After the birth I was told to shower and I had to walk across the hospital dripping blood everywhere. I was left alone to try and shower but I nearly collapsed and pulled the emergency cord and was told to go back to my bed and have a bed bath.
A few hours later we were taken to a side room and I had people coming to ask me questions all day. It seemed unusual to be honest but at the time having never given birth I didn't think into it too much.

Most of the time I don't think about it but every time someone announces a pregnancy or birth or I watch anything on tv it sparks a debate between myself and my partner.
I am really struggling to want to go through it again but feel I was cheated out of my birthing experience with my DD.

You poor thing, that sounds horrendous. I had a bad experience but not quite as bad as yours but I can fully understand the feelings afterwards. My DD is 2 and it still upsets me thinking about it. I’m now pg with no2.
Things that helped me were complaining to the hospital, not so anyone got massively told off but so the experience could be learnt from and no one had to go through the same. Unless it’s highlighted things can’t change. My midwife advised that we complained, she said they don’t get many after births because people are so overwhelmed by having a new Baby that the complaint gets side tracked.
You can also ask for a full debrief from the birthing team at the hospital. It makes for an upsetting experience at some points because they will go through step by step what happened but you can also give your views and thoughts at each point. This then all gets fed back to the senior midwives, consultants etc. I found it really useful. Sometimes just having how traumatic it was recognised, and they apologised to me can make a world of difference.
Lastly as a pp has mentioned there are birth trauma associations who can offer help.
But don’t battle it by yourself, and do seek help from your hospital. Despite the birth trauma, the staff at mine have been amazing afterwards, and actually all the issues lay with them following protocols which have now been adjusted. I was petrified of having no2 but as a result of the last experience, have been under consultant care and senior midwife care and I feel very much more relaxed about it with only 4 weeks left. Nervous but not panicking. Sending hugs.x

Oh you poor thing. PTSD is totally different to anxiety and depression, it can be crippling and last a long time.
I had a very traumatic experience with my DS. I had full placenta previa, my placenta ruptured and I had EMCS under GA, we both nearly died and I contracted sepsis a few months later from infection in my CS wound. After 6 months I knew things still weren’t right in my head so I was referred by my HV for CBT and I was diagnosed with PTSD and I’ve been having the CB for around 8 months now and has done wonders for how I feel.
I would highly recommend you speak with your doctor or HV and ask to be forwarded to your local mind team and have CBT or councilling. You need to speak about it to a trained professional. I really hope everything is ok for you

That is awful. No wonder you’re upset. Have you spoken to PALS?

Who are PALS?

PALS are the complaints team, I forget what it standards for.

I had PTSD following my first should have had a debrief then but I left it, had the debrief when pregnant with my second (had done CBT, offered medication). The debrief was so helpful I can't explain it, it didn't blame anyone but it helped me understand what and happened and gone astray. I used hypnobirthing for my second and only following DC2 am I better as it was a different experience, I no longer want to cry at the ' I popped mine out in 3 hour conversations'

Do seek help as your feelings are normal many women suffer PTSD post birth but it is equally not normal and it's something you need to work through (I say you as going and talking about these things isn't easy and takes a conscious decision).

I would def gp back to your GP and seek counselling. I suffered PTSD after my 2nd birth due to undiagnosed vasa praevia and my dd almost died. I suffered from very debilitating flashbacks and nitemares.
I did get a debrief but it was useless as consultant present for the birth didn't turn up and sent a Registrar who just read out the notes as wasn't there. The whole meeting smacked of ass covering and we are not to blame (no one ever said they were!).

My GP referred me for counselling and I saw someone in the maternity unit. I had CBT over a period of 12 months and it really sorted me out. I would highly recommend it.