... in feeling a bit put out about this ...

[hippipotami]

DS goes to Beavers every Tues night with 4 boys from his school, S, T, T and H.

S is close friends with one of the T's and H, DS is close friends with the other T and H.
I get on well with T T and H's mum, not so well with S's mum as S and DS don't get on.
(S is a quiet sensitive child, DS unfortunately can be loud and boisterous)

For the past two years, the mums of S, T, T and H have shared lifts to Beavers. Not once did any of them ask me if I wanted to join in with this.
Last week T, T and H moved up to Cubs.
Last night, S's mum came up to me and asked if we could share lifts as 'now that T, T and H have moved we are a bit out on a limb' (her exact words)
The thought that went to my head was 'welcome to my world', but I did not say that. Instead, being the wet blanket that I am I said 'of course'.
But now it is grating me. None of them were ever interested in lift sharing before, but suddenly I am good enough. I really feel used and second best, and it is really eating at me.

I understand that in the grand scheme of life this is a minor issue, so AIBU in feeling a bit put out about this??

as long as she recipricates (sp?) i see no problem.

Oooh difficult one. At first reading I thought, yes, unreasonable, what's the fuss about. But on re-reading and having a think, I reckon I'd be a bit peeved too. Probably I'd feel a used. Does she not drive? Can you ask her for a lift next week?

bit hard to follow but couldbe that three is no room for additional ppl to travel?

4 children and a parent will be quite a squash never mind not very safe (will that many booster seats fit in a car?)

they already had 4 kids in their lift share so presumably your ds would have made a 5th - unless they all had people carriers there would have been no room for him.

i don't think you should feel put out.

I'd feel a bit put out too and tbh would've probably have done exactly what you did. Say yes and then think 'hang on a minute!!'I'm a wet blanket too:D

But couldn't you use the opportunity to get to know S and S's mum a bit better. And once ds and S move up to Cubs surely they'd have to still include you in the car sharing or that really would be just out of order.

I'd be put out as well but if it makes your life easier then I'd just go for it. As an aside, is there a possibility that they didn't include you because there wouldn't be enough room in their cars to car share? 4 boys plus mum/dad would fill up the average car and you may just have been the 'unlucky' one.

them all

Yes, I would be peeved, but pleased to have somone to share with ninetheless - and would say 'I know - I've missed having a reciprocal arrangement for the last two years - so it will be good to finally have someone to share the burden with.'

But could you have said 'can I join the lifts rota' at any ppint? They may have actually asked each other - not formed a group which intentionally excluded you.

did you ever offer to take any of the others ? Most cars would only have room for maximum 4 kids , so perhaps you were just not perceived to need it/want to do it. Can understand why you have felt narked but it has been 2 years so you could have said something before now if you really felt peed off. Even so now is an opportunity to get involved, until the others move up at least - do you want the commitment going forward or not ?

Did you ever mention to them that you would like to be included in the lift arrangement? Perhaps something else could have been sorted out. S's mum has approached you. Couldn't you have approached them before? Perhaps they got the impression you weren't interested. Also if this was an arrangement before your ds started cubs then they just continued with what they were doing. 4 boys, 1 parent then there isn't enough room for another in a standard car.
Is it that no-one invited you to share that's bugging you? Or did you ask and were refused?
I think there's possibly been a misunderstanding.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Do you all drive people carriers? If you do then maybe you should have suggested joining their lift sharing and taking it in turns.

I'd grit my teeth and go along with it, provided it's really going to be a lift share and not you being the regular chauffeur. Last autumn term a mum near me realised that our ds's age 11 were going to the same after school drama club, and wouldn't it be a great idea to share transport. I leapt at this - normally ds2 would be on a school bus which doesn't unfortunately cover after school clubs. I also have dd and ds3 to consider. Her 11 yo is her youngest, so nobody else for her to collect on all those dark cold afternoons.

Basically she picked up ds2 once; was always slow to phone about picking up the boys...so my nerve broke and I just did it most of the time. But was v. peed off with myself for not speaking up.

If it helps you then go for it - but at the same time you could say something about not being offered a lift share before and you're just wondering why? Maybe it wasn't intentional and you may have appeared not to need/want any help like that?

What will happen when your DS goes up to cubs as well? I have to say that 5 children makes an awkward rota: 4 is easier to manage.

But S's Mum isn't the one who should have included hipppi, is she? She is the one who is the least close to hippi - and there were 3 other Mums involved, so a bit much to take it all out on S.

Good point about the car, perhaps that is a point.
I have taken one or two of the others on occasion, once did they offer back.

I did once try to get myself included but they all just changed the subject.

I did suspect I am a bit unreasonable, and am certainly happy take S to beavers next week, so we will see how it goes after that. I guess the whole 'lonely girl in the school playground being left out' feeling never truly leaves.

Am certainly no ttaking it all out on S's mum Blu, in an unfortunate way she and I are the only ones whose sons have not yet moved to cubs, hence it was her approaching me about car-sharing. Perhaps if it had been one of the mums I am closer to I would not have felt this sensitive.
Perhaps we can form an unlikely friendship now, stranger things have happened

Not sure what will happen when ds moves to cubs, they split the cubs into two packs on two different days, so the problem may not even exist then.

Thanks guys.

Hippi - Sorry, I meant many of the posts were implying that the mother of S be the one to get a snippy response because of what has gone before...not that you were taking it out on her.
Hope it works out, anyway.

i would do it as it would help you. BUT would make sure it is done so it suits you best