..to want folks to stop calling their husbands/partners' good fathers', when they're so abusive to their wives/partners?

[BattleCuntGalactica]

How many times do we see this?

On numerous threads about a partner or husband being abusive, after hearing the details of just HOW they're being abusive, the OP goes on to say they're a good father.

How does that even correlate?

I understand battered/abused wife syndrome, the denial it throws around inside your head, and how it fucks with you psychologically - I've been there and it's horrible, but we really, really need to stop saying these men are good fathers when they're being horribly abusive to the mother of their children, especially when they want access to their children in the event of a split; the thought of a child being supervised by abusive men is terrifying.

Someone on here, and I'm misquoting said something like 'the first job of a good father to his children is to treat their mother well'. True.

@MrsTerryPratchett you can actively dislike someone but still treat them with respect. People don't seem to get that.

Yes op I couldn’t agree more. Terrible terrible fathers.

I agree but the law doesn't, apparently.

A close friend separated from her DH due to emotional abuse (truly horrendous). He went court for 50/50 access of their daughter and won. Despite having an order in place where he cannot visit my friend's home. The judge ruled that his relationship with his mother had no bearing on his ability to parent

He is still awful and coercive, has no boundaries regarding trying to emotionally abuse my friend through their daughter. But she ran out of money to fight him. Courts were absolutely no fucking use whatsoever.

I think it's balancing act for the poster, a way of giving a more rounded picture, though not one I would ever agree with.

And there are posters who've thought it a point worth making that when OPs post about their problems, we only ever hear one side of the story. Well duh.

Maybe it's because of such arseholes posters that OPs feel even more obliged to balance the issue.

The law is a fucking shambles at times. A LOT of the time.

Most of the time, ‘good father’ = ‘not abusing the kids’.

Abused women have a very skewed context, for obvious reasons. It’s not their fault.

@TheStoic I know, I've been in that very position. It doesn't make it any less frustrating.

You must know how it correlates, then. Frustrating, but abused women can only catch up when they are ready to.

@TheStoic I've been in the position of being abused. What I've never done is say my partner was a good father after he's been an arse to me repeatedly.

I find these men on the relationships board aren’t just good fathers, they are ‘amazing’ fathers and the children are ‘besotted’ with them. This is generally after the op has complained that they roll home from the pub five nights a week or lie around on the Xbox contributing nothing to family life 24 hours a day.

I don’t get it. Not sure if the op genuinely thinks that or is kidding themselves or what.

Not an issue for me with exh as he was a shit husband and an even worse father.

What I've never done is say my partner was a good father after he's been an arse to me repeatedly

That’s good. I think it sounds ludicrous when I hear it from a woman who is being abused, but it’s obviously very important for her to believe it at that point in time.

In marriages where there is abuse, I think it is said by the victim as a way to try to see the 'good' in the abuser...I think they [victim] are trying to convince themselves that it isn't all terrible...like they are in denial.

I think people who have not gathered the courage to leave the abusive partner find it easy to justify staying by saying “he is a good father” even if the only thing the father does is tickling them in Sunday mornings and being an arse the rest of the week. Clutching at straws and all that.

And it is so difficult to see the signs when the financial security of the household/wife/family/victim depends mostly on the abusive partner.

What happens between two adult parents is quite separate from their relationships when th their children. My parents were horrible to one another, you could have called their behaviour towards one another emotional abuse. But my father was an excellent father despite being a sub par husband. My mother wasn't a good parent at all but it had nothing to do with her behaviour towards my father but rather her behaviour towards me.

Yes I agree. I was reading a thread last night whete I didn't know the history but it was becoming obvious where the OP said her ex was a good df. Nope. He sounded like an utter fucking mamanipulative arsehole.