Parenting Order

[badassbitch]

I'll try not to drip feed, as there is a back story here, but I need to know if I'm being unreasonable or not, and also how the courts will see my next actions...I don't want to put a foot wrong as it will be used against me!!

Back story is I have two DD (7 and 9) and I left my abusive husband six months ago. Since I left we have had a flexible shared care arrangement. It was wed-sat, thurs-sun, thurs- mon, - it's basically been all over place and has been based on what HE wanted (he's very controlling and I just go along with whatever for an easy life). He wanted weekends so he could date and have a social life, I said fine. now he wanted weekends so he could work at a local café. I've covered holidays he has wanted, other random days, trips, family visits, but when I have needed help eg because I got a job as a substitute teacher he refused because 'my job wasn't his responsiblity'. he doesn't work (has only just started this job and I expect it won't last tbh). It came to a head this week as I got chronic bronchitis, which I have been hospitalised for 3 times in the last few years, and I told him this, as I was due to have the kids. He said point blank, 'your health is not my responsibility, I expect you still to have them'.

I think I have finally cracked, I wanted to keep the peace and help each other out, but as I am juggling studying and working next year I need clear cut schedule, and I know now he will not help me. So I know I am alone now - I have no family support here. Which is fine, I can now sort myself out now I know.

So moving forward, I want now to implement what I wanted from when we first split rather than pandering to his wants. I want week on week off. I feel this would be better for the children. Really they are too old for split weeks they find it unsettling, don't know what day it is, and because he is so loose about when he is having them again (its all on his terms) I never really know for sure when they are going/coming back. It also means I know exactly what I am doing and when and can schedule things better.

On a separate note, but relevant I think, is for handover I have insisted its in a public place. He has refused. I want it in a public place because he has form for making unwanted comments and sexual advances towards me, (behind the kids backs) hoping I won't make a scene in from of the kids. It's all mind games and power. So I want to only meet in a public place. Again he has refused.

So, if you have gotten this far, for all the above reasons, would I be reasonable, and how would the courts take it, if I just said 'this is how it is until mediation - week on/week off, meet up at x at x. stay in your car'. He'll ignore the car thing but at least I tried.
Mediation appointment is 6 weeks time so I really don't want to wait until then.

Does this seem reasonable??

You have my sympathy badass, as I have one of those to deal with too.

Sadly I very much doubt you will be able to set out what you want because if you are the one requesting it then he will see it as “helping you out” plus obvs the whole power thing means he can’t have you making the decisions. That’s my repeated experience, no matter how small the issue. Have had to now become pretty much no contact / there is no element of co-parenting whatsoever because he just places himself higher than his children’s welfare or anything else.
With regard to the meeting in a public place idea, it’s just making more inconvenience for yourself doing that. At 9 & 7 your dds can walk out of the front door on their own. Can you not kiss them goodbye and then let them out of the door when you see his car approach, with strict instructions to stay eg by your gate until he collects them to walk to car. Then on return just open the door eyes down no acknowledgement and no exchange of words with ex, close door behind them and do greetings inside. I am so glad I no longer have to be sneered at every fortnight now my DD is no longer small x

Thanks forgot but ive tried that and he barges in, makes excuses to 'talk' to me about something in private. ugh. Its so so stressful. And he relies on me not making a scene in front of the kids. I realise to those not going through it, I probably sound really pathetic. I feel pathetic tbh. I just can't seem to enforce boundaries with him. I find him so intimidating.

I've realised I can't co-parent with him in the normal way, waste of bloody time, but surely i'll have some say legally in what goes in the parenting order?

Is your flexible arrangement part of a mediation process or a court order?
If not then you need to set up a specific plan through mediation /court directions.
You need to see a solicitor and seek legal advice to set up suitable access and parenting. Once you have formal directions in place you should feel less intimidated.

thanks chocolate. I'm dreading going through mediation with him. he's such a bully and can be very very charming, I hope they can see through him.

has anyone been in a similar position? I'm getting so anxious about this.

One of the best ways I've found with dealing with controlling and emotionally abusive people is to always out the ball in their court.

It throws them because it gives them the control (in their mind) and also doesn't them give them argument. It also is a great way to give them a rope to hang them selves!

So make sure all contact is by email or text. I'd create an email address simply for contact with him about kids and block him from other means of contact.

Email to confirm. Get him to say what arrangement is and allow him to write that it's because of his job and his going out etc.
If he wants to change it make him do it by email. Get him to put in writing why he wants it changing. Then if you need adjustments put it in writing and make him agree or not in writing.
It'll be evidence for you.

Also totally agree about not letting him in. Kiss the girls and send them to wait outside. Lock door and shut curtains downstairs and watch from upstairs window. If he wants to talk he can email. If he bathes his way in call the police and say he's bathed his way in, what he's done and that he's intimidating and threatening you etc.

He's also threatening that he won't allow me to take my children overseas to see their grandparents. He's already blocked one visit, despite previously promising her she could go, but allowing her sister. Will the court allow this? I mean surely visiting grandparents is a childs right???