Bit of a long story.
me and exP broke up 4 months ago. Quite messily, a lot of individual bad things happening in our life - MH issues (me), work issues (him), and a certain change of behaviour from him (distancing himself for the last month). We were together just under a year. We're both in our mid 20s.
So the next four months we find it quite difficult to cut ties. During the first few weeks, I was the one to maintain most of the contact. But on the advice of my friends and family, I told him I didn't want any more contact. Before Christmas, I had stayed at his place around 5 times since breaking up. We exchanged gifts for xmas, we went for coffees, meals, etc., phone calls. He said something that stuck out for me in particular - "it's a worry that we're not starting to cut the ties here. Maybe we are soulmates." Over Christmas I tried my best to separate myself from him - i didn't text or call. But he did, all day xmas, boxing day, all the way up to NY. He said I had made this year for him. He said I was the person who has supported him the most out of everyone in his life (bad childhood), and that he owes me everything.
We agreed to last night, but he told me he wasn't very well so wouldn't be much company. He sounded lousy on the phone so i took him round some food and medicine. At first it was very platonic - I was covering up some pretty bad spells of MH recently - and he saw straight through it. He told me that we weren't strangers and that he knows something is up, he keeps pushing. So i breakdown and just say I'm having a pretty lousy time. He comforts me and holds me and then I get ready to leave. But he asks me to stay with him as he is worried and he misses me. So I do.
We spend from about 10 til 4am discussing our relationship. It gets pretty heavy. I had always suspected his distance was because of us meeting far too soon after the breakdown of his last relationship (we met 2 weeks after a 4 year relationship, where she cheated and left him) - but he's never admitted this. Last night he did. He said that he had one foot in the past and one foot in our future. He said he felt conflicted and isolated. his friends had told him to let me go but "you can't stop loving someone just because you're in a bad place". I told him i always knew this but it was a relief to hear. I asked if he had really loved me - he said of course, I still do. He said in the last few months of our relationship (which were really lovely) he had gotten to the point were he didn't think about her, and that he had fallen for me completely. And then he said something in him suddenly changed and he became distant and scared and treated me badly.
We both were reminiscing about the relationship, quite sad and happy at the same time. he keeps telling me he's sorry, and that he loves me. Lots of hugging and cuddling. He said he doesnt understand how i can be with him after all he's put me through - and I say because I love you. And he says it back.
We go to bed watch a film, have sex and fall asleep craddling each other. Wake up in the morning to breakfast in bed, and more cuddling/talking. He said that his head was all over the place - that he wants to get back together, but he's unsure whether it's the best option - all the problems (MH, job, etc.,) still exist. But he says the thought of letting me walk away terrifies him because he'll never have this connection with someone else. There's more crying and hugging, and then at about 7pm, I decide to head home.
On the way out I say that I don't want to be his friend, and that we can't be friends as we're both still in love. He says there are decisions to be made and that only I can make them. He then said if he has learned one thing from being with me it is that your feelings can't be stopped - you dont stop loving someone because it's inconvenient.
He's text me since I've been home saying "i dont have a clue what the best decision here is, fuck. I think in a short while things will be clearer". We've arranged to meet for lunch one day this week to talk things through.
AIBU to follow my heart here and think I have a chance to reconcile with my best friend??