Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be considering a 14 year age gap between dcs 1 and 2 ?

51 replies

YourHandInMyHand · 06/01/2018 13:02

I have a dc aged 13, and my partner who has no dcs. We've been together 3 years and he is an amazing step dad to my son.

We'd like to ttc - am I crazy to start the baby years all over again? I'm 35.

My child has had an amazing time in his early years with lots of my time. I never had anymore as I knew me and his dad weren't going to make it, and then no one else came along that I could imagine letting in to my tiny little family's bubble.

OP posts:

Somerville · 06/01/2018 13:47

I've got 3 teens/tweens (oldest is 16), and a 4 month old.
It's brilliant! Right now they're all competing to get him to say their name as his first word. Which is tiresome to listen to, but at least it means they are all happy to cuddle him lots. And DD1 even babysits him - she's very responsible.

Like you, I'm in a subsequent relationship. So for DH2 the pregnancy and baby stuff was all new, though he was already a great step-father to my older kids. Of course the physical burden has been on me and there was no way to avoid that, but he was enthusiastic about supporting me in supporting my older children. For example, we got married before we started TTC, to limit the financial ramifications for me in the worst possibly scenarios. And we applied for him to share PR for my older kids, so they could all be in a level footing.
To some extent I alerted my older DC to the fact we were considering TTC. They were all somewhere between ambivalent and highly excited. I wouldn't have done it if they hated the idea, though that's because of the sensitivities of our own situation, and for other families it would be fine to not check.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 06/01/2018 13:53

Be prepared for lots of resentment from the teenager. He had you to himself for so long and just as he's going to hot his GCSE years you plan a sibling. Some would be ok but lots wouldn't.

There's also the step parent aspect, very few step parents don't treat their own children differently than their own. I've seen many a relationship where the existing children are suddenly resented when the new partners own child comes along. Lots of friends are NC with their parents for this reason as they were clearly second best and not put first over a relationship.

undertheradarplease · 06/01/2018 14:08

11 year age gap between oldest and youngest here.

My oldest and youngest dd adore each other, the baby will immediately stop crying when her big sister picks her up after 2 hours of jigging and rocking from me and my oh

On the same subject, there's 13 years between my oldest dd and her uncle (my db). They are incredibly close and he loves her like a little sister.

Age is just a number. Wishing you all the success in moving forward with your little family, OP

GreenTulips · 06/01/2018 14:09

Be prepared for lots of resentment from the teenager

Rubbish a new baby gives the teens a lot more freedom and puts them off having babies

What's not to like?

greenlynx · 06/01/2018 14:10

Why not? sounds like a good plan! Good luck!

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 06/01/2018 14:12

Interesting to read this. I'm pregnant with number 2 with a 10 year old DD. She has always been desperate for siblings and adores babies and small children. Baffles me- I was more interested in ponies at her age! DH has raised her from age 3 and very much sees her as his daughter. We're a very close, loving family unit and I have confidence that the baby will only add to that. However we've had lots of discussions about how though the baby will have different needs, it is not more important than DD and her happiness is not secondary to the baby. So her room will remain her private space and the baby will not be allowed free reign etc, and we will ensure that she has one on one time doing more grown up things with both parents. We also have plans in place for occasions when DD may need to study but baby is being a PITA. A lot of our family activities are baby and older child friendly, with some tweaking - hiking etc. We're really excited, though I'm praying it's a nice sleepy baby!

Singyourheartout · 06/01/2018 14:24

I’d go for it
There is a 15 year gap between my and my sister we are quite close. I’m 31 now and my sister is going to live with me part time when she start college. My parent did seem to think that I would be free childcare though everyday after school and a lot of care even when I was there. I think they felt entitled to my help because they raised me and I was my turn I think they expected me to just go along with it which did cause major resentment. But I got a job at 16 and told them to get stuffed if they thought I was gonna do all the child care.

Bumsnetnetbums · 06/01/2018 16:00

I wouldnt.
I did it! Mine and my childrens lives are worse for it but my husband left me.
The 0-5 years are a killer. If im honest i regret it and what its done to our lives. I hope one day it will get easier

Socksey · 06/01/2018 16:03

A friend of mine has 21 years between her 2 DC.... youngest is now 8....

Thehogfather · 06/01/2018 16:17

I wouldn't, but nothing to do with age gap, I just like my freedom too much now. If you want another though no reason why not.

happymummy12345 · 06/01/2018 16:22

There's 10 years (as good as) between the 3 of my mums children. I'm 25 this April, my brother is 15 and my sister is 5. So 10 years between myself and my brother, 20 years between myself and my sister, and 10 years between my brother and sister.
So I'd say do it.

Laiste · 06/01/2018 16:39

My DDs are 25, 23, 20 and 3

The older ones adore little DD4 and she them. They're lovely together.

The pp's saying they can't imagine doing it all again - i never thought i would either! Second relationship and older children SO FAR out of 'that' stage that you've had a good long break from it means it doing all again doesn't seem so bad.

Lots of helping hands sweeping in and out all the time here. It's much easier this time around than when i had 3 so close together in my 20s.

FluffyWuffy100 · 06/01/2018 16:57

12 years between me and my sibling (no one in the middle and we are full siblings, same parents)

We love each other and get on well and are close as adults

welshgirlwannabe · 06/01/2018 17:13

I have that gap, it's great. My 16 year old 'babysits' (ie plays xbox while the 2 year old is in bed) and will sometimes read stories and play trains with his little brother while I get on with things. Ds2 adores his big brother more than anything, he talks about him all day long it's surprisingly not like having two onlies or cousins: they wind each other up and even manage to 'fight' over things like sharing crisps.
I wanted to go back to the baby stage, I'm only 38 and felt like I had more hands on parenting in me still. I'm more confident as a parent now: I've been a mum for 16 years and I know that it pretty much all works out in the end.
I would recommend it.

crimsonbloom · 06/01/2018 20:50

I have a 19 year old and a 4 month old. I'm in a similar situation to you - different relationship, youngest is DH's first child. Personally I think it's the better way around to have dc - each dc has had my full attention during their childhood and no stress of dealing with sibling squabbles and clashing schedules. For me, I was a sahm with DS1 so it's nice to be able to continue that lifestyle and not have to go back to work. As a plus, now I'm getting child benefit again it will cover all my remaining contributions required as I'll be getting them for the next 12 years!

A word of warning though - we decided we'd have another when I was 35, but I didn't have DS2 until I was 38. It was definitely harder to get pregnant in my late 30s than when I managed to unintentionally in my teens despite a belt and braces approach to contraception!

harrietsoton · 06/01/2018 20:59

12 and 6 year age gap between me and my older siblings, it does feel ‘only child-ish’ like a PP said. We’re not close at all. I don’t talk to them. Especially my oldest brother - he comes from a different generation and had a completely different upbringing than me - very critical of ‘my generation’, envious that I ‘was spoilt’ etc

Obviously that’s my personal experience but you definitely have a different sibling relationship if you grew up together and go through similar things eg with a 3 year age gap. You’ll have loads of mutual friends and go through stages of life eg uni, working, driving, marriage, kids etc at a similar time

AliTheMinx · 06/01/2018 20:59

My husband is 39, his sister is 38, his brother is 28 and their half brother is 15. DH was very involved with the bringing up of his brother, who was 11 when he was born, and they are very close. He's practically a different generation from his half brother, as he was 24 when he was born. They do get on but I wouldn't say in a brotherly way. DH is more like an Uncle. The half brother was brought up almost as an only child as half-siblings are so much older.

TeachesOfPeaches · 06/01/2018 21:09

I think these large age gaps are on the increase now that more people divorce/separate and have second families. Does your son have a good relationship with his dad? Will he feel pushed out by a new baby and the fact that the baby will have a Dad living at home full time?

I'm a lone parent with an only, it's a huge decision you're making. Good luck

schmoozypoo · 06/01/2018 21:39

I have 7 years between my 2 and a good friend if mine has 21 years between her oldest and youngest. I think go for it I am 37 and my youngest is 7 months I am glad I waited my eldest loves his brother. Although sometimes I wished I had them closer I also take all, the bonus' like the individual time they will both have had. Good luck OP

Blogwoman · 06/01/2018 21:44

I have sisters 9 & 11 years older than me. We all enjoyed the relationship through childhood & are all close as adults. Have always felt absolutely like sisters, not cousins or some other relationship. They did the usual scrapping with each other as children but not with me, as I was never competing with them. Go for it!

Jessikita · 06/01/2018 21:51

Personally, I couldn’t do it. With that aged child I’d feel like I was getting some of my freedom back so to start all over again with nappies and constant childcare etc it wouldn’t be for me.

However, it’s not my life so you do what is right for you and your circumstances.

Good luck x

Oldraver · 06/01/2018 21:55

I have 19 years between DS1 and DS2. I had DS2 when i was nearly 41

No regrets at all

Go for it x

Seeinthedark · 06/01/2018 21:57

My aunt has a 22 year age gap between her first and last (with some more in between). The youngest was a bit of a surprise but she's lovely. I don't think the youngest has a close relationship with the oldest (who is a man in his twenties which I think is understandable) but is very close to the rest of her siblings.

Obie4 · 06/01/2018 22:08

23 years between me and my youngest sister. And i was 16 when dm fell for my youngest brother. No issues. It was great.

Cleanermaidcook · 06/01/2018 22:25

14 year gap between my eldest Dd and dd2. It was great, they're very close, in fact people thought baby was dd1's! She always wanted to have her, was a great help and offered to babysit all the time. Same situation as you op, i was 35, it wss my 2nd marriage, he had no children , he's a great dad and step dad.
I had a ds too 18 months after dd2 but I had a terrible pregnancy and was I'll after, I think dd1 in some way blamed ds for making me I'll and they didn't bond the same initially. However now he's older (8) they get on fine. I'd say go for it. X

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread