Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate conversational narcissists

27 replies

mrskevinclifton · 06/01/2018 12:46

Spent new year with the most narcissistic couple (dp’s relatives) of which the male partner literally never shut up about himself and his stories - one after the other.

Where is the switch inside his head, that exists inside mine, which says ‘I have been talking too long, let me hear from the other person, let me hear their stories/find out about them, ask questions.

It did not help that he looked visibly bored if anyone dare interject. After a few times trying everyone had given up so it was literally a front row seat ticket to this one way twat show for three days.

How would you handle this type of person???

OP posts:
Almondsupreme · 06/01/2018 12:49

I have a friend like this. It's all about her. Or always comes back to someone age knows. If you passed an exam with a B she got an A last year. If you're having a baby she saw One Born Every Minute the other day.
One mutual friend is strong enough to say "it's Almond's turn to talk now. Almond, you were saying...?"

To be honest I've had enough and I'm not dealing with it, I'm phasing her out.

waffilyversati1e · 06/01/2018 12:50

I have to check myself as I have been guilty of this but with me it's nerves and social anxiety. I just gabble on for fear of awkward silences

ivykaty44 · 06/01/2018 12:51

I find a few people that you ask a polite Question

How was your.... interject weekend, Christmas, new year, holiday

They take great delight in giving information about what they did etc etc but they never enquire about others

ivykaty44 · 06/01/2018 12:52

Waffle- ask people about themselves, most people will have something to say about there weekend, hobbies, family

BoucleJacket · 06/01/2018 12:59

Ivykaty - I know exactly what you mean about the type of person who answers questions about weekends/holidays etc. but never asks others.

I know someone like that at work.

Very self-absorbed and will try to turn interesting conversations amongst others into something about them. I think it's because they have no interest in the world around them so can't contribute and they are also bored by anything that doesn't centre around them.

Alison100199 · 06/01/2018 13:00

My DM is like this but it comes from her chronic anxiety about never being good enough or noticed so she is desperate to get things into the conversation that make her sound interesting or important. She doesn't seem to realise she is talking over people and repeating the same self centred stories. I let it wash over me now as I feel sorry for her but it's deeply embarrassing in company, especially when people comment on it afterwards.

It might be this man is a narcissist but he might also be deeply insecure. I like the suggestion of 'it's x's turn to talk, you were saying'.

Winebottle · 06/01/2018 13:09

I don't think there is a way of dealing with these people other than minimising time spent with them.

If someone just is not interested in anything you say, what is the point of saying anything? I just give up and let them get on with talking about themselves if that is all they want to do.

waffilyversati1e · 06/01/2018 13:12

yeah what I am saying though is just because someone does reciprocate by asking about others it might not be that they aren't interested. It could be that they were so nervous at having been asked a question that the obvious social cue just doesn't occur to them.

sarahjconnor · 06/01/2018 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 06/01/2018 13:18

Waffle - it’s about pre thinking and remembering to have a question lined up. If your nervous and anxious then it really should help your fears as being asked a question is a positive and people will believe you are kind

It’s about how you make others feel

coffeecow · 06/01/2018 13:29

2 shits GrinGrin

mumonashoestring · 06/01/2018 13:34

I have a friend like this - perfectly kind and interesting in herself but is definitely what I refer to as a 'small doses friend'. She can talk for hours about herself, her family, herself, her job, herself, her hobbies, herself... A couple of years ago we had a simply horrible death in our family and she only found out about it very recently because despite an hour long phone call on a regular basis at the time she never actually asked how I was, how the family were...

Peanutbuttercheese · 06/01/2018 13:42

I'm blunt enough to change the conversation completely to a different subject if needs be. I would just probably think about something else and glaze over, I really don't care if I offend people I don't like, it then means they leave me alone. Please give an example of one of his stories.

I always think the only people you really have to spend time with that you don't like are work colleagues and that's only because you need the money.

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 06/01/2018 13:46

I have a colleague like this. Whatever is the big thing in her life at that moment (stuff like her degree course, her jam-making, her extension), I get to hear about in forensic, mind-numbing detail. She doesn't pause for breath, nor does she ask me about my life.

Her current Thing is her upcoming Dream Holiday, which she's banging on and on about, down to the route they're planning to take to the airport. She doesn't realise that I went there the year before last, because she never asked me at the time how my summer was. If I ever interject "oh yes, when we were at XYZ we like doing..." she glazes over, and then picks up exactly where she'd left off.

TBH I avoid her as best I can, but it's a small office.

restofthetimes · 06/01/2018 13:54

I know people like this - it can be nerves (as with dh) or adhd/poor impulse control (I suspect with dm).
I don’t bother to compete because it’s exhausting, but it’s sad as they rarely get the best our of other people.

pickledparsnip · 06/01/2018 14:09

My mum does this all the time. We spent the afternoon together earlier in the week, and she spent the whole time telling me about her Christmas.
I took DS away for Christmas, which was a big deal for me (single parent, saved up for aaaaages). She asked me one question, and that was if we'd have enough spending money. Nothing else. Not if we'd have a good time, what was it like.

She talked at great length about her Christmas, and how pleased her guests were to have her there etc. I was a bit gutted to be honest, but then she glazed over if I tried to share any details before we went, so I didn't say much at all.
It would have been nice if she'd have been pleased for me, but it boils down to the fact that she was probably upset that I didn't ask her to come to. Ah well.

Cherrycokewinning · 06/01/2018 14:11

Ha ha. When I had my first baby I nearly died. When my ex best friend came to visit she walked in to see me sat there holding my new baby, looking like a ghost and too weak to stand. And launched into how she’d tripped over and hurt her knee. For 10 minutes. Amazing.

FluffyWuffy100 · 06/01/2018 14:14

One of our friends gets like this. You have to say “hang on Janet, Kirsty was talking - carry on Kirsty”

Someoneasdumbasthis · 06/01/2018 14:23

We call our friends/family yes BIl I'm looking at you like this 'elevenerifes'

deviceNotRecognised · 06/01/2018 14:25

Do you know what narcissism is?

Do you use 'a bit OCD' if someone keeps their emails sorted or their pencils sharpened?

winobaglady · 06/01/2018 14:30

If I'm unable to take part in a discussion, I puck up my phone or boom and start reading. I only do this when there's a group of us though, not one to one.
I've been called out on it once, in a group when I replied that I was just waiting to hear what others in the group had to say. I was thanked later by others.
One to one, I will tease and say something like, "have you not spoken to anyone today" or "let me change sides, so you can chew my other ear".
If it's someone I don't know I just let them go on and on , then excuse myself for a drink or the toilet and not go back.

NinjaPig · 06/01/2018 14:31

I lost my mum in July and phoned one of her friends (an old neighbour) to tell her and invited her to the funeral, she didn't selfie any platitudes the first thing she said was that she didn't feel very well herself!!!

How I didn't hang up I don't know.

MrsHathaway · 06/01/2018 14:57

I know I have a tendency to offer an anecdote in solidarity but I make a deliberate attempt to remember to say "how did that job interview go?" or "is your mother better?"

I think in most long term friendships or relationships you sort of take turns to be the storyteller and the audience. But some people are shit at taking turns Grin

Almondsupreme · 06/01/2018 15:22

Alison my friend does the monopolising of the conversation for the same reason as your DM. It's because she needs to be validated as a worthwhile person after a tough childhood. Unfortunately her behaviour has the opposite effect. It's so sad but so wearing

SoGoodToBeBackHomeAgain · 06/01/2018 15:34

My FIL can be like this and wenhearbthe same stories every time he visits. When I've had enough, I say that yes, we've heard this before but could he tell us again but with more detail. Usually does the trick For a while.

He never, ever asks after my family and though it used to hurt I no longer care, he's not going to change now.