To not want to see family all weekend?

[RantyRant]

I have a DD whose 2.6. It's not about spending time with her as I work 4 days a week and she's in Nursery 3 days and has a day with DH.

My DM works nights in the week, so finishes work early hours Saturday which means she can't really see DD in the week. So about a year ago I got into the habit of going over to see her on a Sunday, she often invites my elderly grandad as well so it's not really a break or "quality time" with my mum as I spend time either caring for DD (she's disabled and has a number of conditions which require more care than a normal 2 year old) or caring for my grandad who although is doing well for his age, is nearly 86 so does need help getting drinks, help getting off the chairs to go to the toilet etc. I continued it because she moans it's not enough time with DD as it is, and DD and my GDad have a fantastic relationship.

But as I said it's getting too much. MIL also lives close by and moans she never gets a weekend with DD without my DM interferring, she works 4 days Mon-Thur but I work Friday and DD is in Nursery. MIL would like a Saturday/Sunday sleepover or just a few hours one day to see DD. She also expects us to match the amount of time my DM spends with DD as she thinks it's "not fair that she had sons" and wants to be as close to her DGC as she can be. I don't actually mind as she gives me a break as I can leave DD with her and DD gets to spend time with the only cousins she has.

But then it takes up our whole weekend going to various family members etc. DH works 5 days a week and has Mondays off so sees her then while I work and then also has one weekend day off which changes each weekend (so one weekend he's off Saturday, the next he's off Sunday and so on) but it means no family time.

I feel awful cutting down the time we spend with MIL/DM. Especially for my DM as DD is her only grandchild and I am unlikely to have anymore unless I adopt as I have a heart condition and having DD nearly killed me, and my DBro has said several times that him and his partner are happier being "uncle and aunty x" to my DD.

DH is off work tomorrow. He's charmed me with the thought of a relaxing day; pyjamas for all 3 of us, duvet on the sofa, film while DD plays (she wouldn't watch a full film), then a long soak in the bath while he plays with DD and does her evening meal and ordering a takeaway in the evening once DD is in bed. Sounds perfect, just what I need as I;m full of cold and not sleeping well.

So I told my DM I won't be going over tomorrow - she never gets special food in or anything apart from maybe a bottle of squash for DD which would keep anyway so I'm not inconveniencing her.

Next weekend MIL is having her monthly sleepover with DD (which DM always complains about too "She's got 2 other grandchildren she can play Grandma to I've only got the one so I should be more favoured" yes she did say this so I used to end up then going to my mums Sunday afternoon after she;d been to MILs) so I'll have 24 hours to myself (MIL picks DD up at 12noonish Saturday and BIL drops her off on his way home with his two around luncthime on Sunday) and from the weekend after I want to alternate in line with DHs shift, so I'd start with seeing my mum on the Sunday then the next weekend DD would go to MIL on the Saturday so we'd always have one weekend day together as a family.

AIBU? Because my DM seems to think it's not fair. MIL understood and says she can no longer see her other grandchildren every weekend as BIL and his wife have split up so they'll only be going to MILs monthly for the sleepover and maybe occasionally if BIL needs to work on his Saturday with them.

DM is accusing me of wanting to take DD away from her permanently, says I'm favouring MIL because of BILs children (I am not, I love BILs children and want DD to get to know her cousins, but they're older than DD (they're 8 and 6) so suspect that in the next few years "Grandmas sleepovers" will tail off for them) and that it's been my intention all alone to stop her being a proper grandmother and how dare. She's accused me of using MIL because the day she has DD MIL looks after her for free - trust me I've offered money, food etc but MIL looked at me like I'd just shot FIL in front of her so I never offered again.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to take my DMs only grandchild from her and I know seeing DD helps her get through her working week as she enjoys seeing her.

WWYD in this situation? And AIBU to ask for help to sort this out?

*sees DD then while I work

Stop pandering to the rest of your family. Your dm is still a grandmother whether she sees your daughter daily or yearly. You can’t live your life to make others happy

You could try to explain your good reasons behind your decisions or just say you have to do what’s est for your family to keep it healthy and understand your mothers needs but must put your family’s needs as priority. Hope she sees you need this family time.

Have I missed it. Where does it say about your mum going to yours.

Could you do both mums on the day dh is working?

I don’t envy you this OP. We all need some family time. It must be hard for you with work and a disabled DD but also hard for your mum looking after her dad but no need for all the guilt and emotional blackmail.
We had the opposite to this my parents lived close by 10 minutes drive away and could happily go weeks without seeing our two never offering to babysit or wanting to see them. MIL and FIL lives 3 hours away and wanted to cuddle smoothed the DC when they saw them but never changed a nappy or interacted with them when slightly older reading or anything for more than 10 minutes.
Your solution sounds fine and reasonable to me keep in touch with your mum and don’t fall out over this if at all possible.

Seems like your DM could be a bit more flexible. Working nights doesn't mean she can't do anything else, unless she's doing 16 hour shifts 5 days a week. She could see your DD in the week, especially as you all live near,presumably she could pop round for an hour or so?

She us your DD, not your mother's. Do what us right for your family. Reframe the conversation - you are not favouring either set of GP, you're favouring your family and DD.

Your mum is being selfish. You need time as a family and it's not a competition over who gets to see GC more. Do what's best for you, she wiil get over it.

Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you. Try to disengage and do what's best for you, OH &DD.

She works 8pm-6am and is home around 7.15am, waits for her neighbour to leave to get her children to school around 8.30am (as the children have a habit of shouting and arguing with their mum and waking DM) then sleeps until 4.30pm. Leaves for work again at 6.30pm as she has to be 15 minutes early and works an hour away so leaves time for traffic etc. so can't really see DD in the week, we don't pick DD up from Nursery until 5pm on the 3 days she's there.

My GDad can't get into my flat as I'm in a block, it's only a little block so no lift, so I go to my DMs for my GDad as much as anyone.

I could do both on one day, they live about 40 mins walk from each other (DH takes the car to work) with me in the middle of them if that makes sense, so I'm 20 minutes from both. But there is a bus between the two so could get that if it's raining/bad weather.

You could also stop allocating your free time to serving everyone else's demands and do what suits you, like the rest of us do. Like is normal.

So long as you feel like you answer to them you'll never sort this out.

Goodness, what is it with all these grandparents thinking they have some sort of rights to see their grandchildren whenever they choose, or who think it's some sort of competition with the other set of grandparents? You have every right to say that you need some family time at the weekends. It's not as if you're planning to exclude your mother from your daughter's life, after all.

"I won't be along this Saturday as I have other plans but I'll see you the week after."

Revelation.

Could your MIL not have your dd on Friday's as she is off work that day? MIL could pick DD up from childcare at say lunch time if she needs a bit of time on Friday morning to herself. If your DD sleeps over with MIL presumably you trust her to manage DD's needs on her own.

I would cut the Saturday at your mum's down to once or twice a month.Or you could cut the time spent down - pop in for afternoon tea or maybe dinner but have another acitivity to be at 2 hours later in order to escape.

I think your visits with family are too long lasting maybe just call in for lunch or cuppa when it suits you and your family. Or could you and DD not take DH to work then you have the car so could do a quicker visit to both and still have time to go to the park or whatever when you do visit.

I trust MIL to manage DDs needs yes. I would have to speak to the Nursery about half days, last time I mentioned it they said they can't stop me taking her out at lunchtime but they only offer full days childcare so would have to pay full day anyway - they offer the free hours which we get with DD being on DLA but you have to use them for 1 whole day a week to claim them so 12 hours a week used (but it means you can use them in the holidays at no extra cost!). We then pay for other 2 full days, half days are not an option on their pricing structure. So it's whether it's worth the cost of her missing a half day a week.

It is nice that they both want to see DD regularly and she does know who they both are, but my DMs point about being favoured did annoy me.

Sorry we claim only 10 hours a week Nursery are open 7.30am-5.30pm