AIBU to approach this school mum ??

[Mum2monkey2]

Hello !

I'm really hoping for some advice. There is a mum at my child's school who I believe is quite poorly.

Months ago I used to see this mum doing drop off and pick up and always admired how well she looked. ( in comparison to my still damp hair and weetabix splattered clothes !')

Anyway, at the start of September when we returned to school, I saw her and noticed what I thought was a wig. Looked ace though.

Since then I've been looking out for her and she seems to have got more poorly.

I'm presuming she has cancer as I have lost both my mother in law and sister in law in the last 18months from cancer and watched them both change as the illness progressed.

So, my AIBU is that I really want to offer some help. I've never spoken to this mum but I feel as though I want to do something. I can only imagine what it must be like for her to be battling this illness and try and remain strong for her children.

I don't want to appear the crazy lady, but also don't want to not do anything because that seems worse.

Please help, what would you do ? If you've been this lady, what would you have liked people to do ???

Thank you for reading x

Maybe invite her round for a cup of tea?

I had this done to me. I wasn't ill, just weird with DMs and pink hair and no one talked to me.

Nice lady chatted to me and invited me round for a cup of tea.

Just say hi and chat to her.
I am disabled so I don't get out of the car at my dds school the teacher brings her out to the car for me so I never get to see any other mums to chat to.
I would be very happy if someone said hi and had a chat xx

Just treat her exactly as you would any other parent there.

Say hello, be friendly and take any cues from her.

It might not necessarily be cancer. Earlier this year I lost my hair and had to wear a wig and also looked and felt like crap... I was seriously anaemic. Although by all means start a conversation with her and just be friendly without jumping to conclusions

What a lovely caring lady you are op. Please let us know it goes.

Agreed, just say hello and talk to her in the first instance, if you’re friendly she might give you an idea what’s going on and if she could do with any help x

Just start catching her eye & smiling or saying hello/morning/crap weather today etc and see if she responds.

I’d have been seriously fed up at a random stranger wanting to be sickly and supportive to me. I’d leave well alone if you wouldn’t have spoken to her anyway.
I had a friend (lovely, kind, funny woman) who unbeknownst to me tried to organise a visiting rota when I had surgery - so I “was never alone with cancer”. How hideously embarrassing and unnecessary was that? Luckily I have another ferocious friend who put paid to the idea quickly.
It’s entirely possible that a) she doesn’t have cancer b) if she does she just wants to cope with the children and work in her own way and not be made into a victim that needs support.

After having been in the same position with cancer twice, a friendly knowing smile would always have been welcome .
Say hello.

Just be normal and friendly. Don't single her out and assume she needs the support of a stranger.

I underwent treatment for breast cancer with a DD7. I managed to do the school pick-ups and drop-offs through everything other than immediately after surgery. I can honestly tell you that probably the very worst thing about the whole experience is that apparently I became invisible in my community. People avoided meeting my eye never mind talking to me.

One person, who worked for a local daycare and collected kids and walked them over to the after-school program, stopped me. She said something like - I don't know if if helps or not but just in case, if you ever need it just call the school and tell them to dismiss your child with the after-school group and she is welcome to come to the daycare with me. She didn't ask me if I was ill - although the bright yellow skin and head scarf may have been a give away. She didn't want to know my name or expected me to be friendly and chat. She just reached out and offered help if I needed it. I could have cried.

Someone noticed that I was in trouble. Someone recognised that my DD was potentially impacted. Someone reached out. Five years later I still tear up when I think about how thoughtful she was.

Please reach out to this woman. Let you know that you see her and that she still walks in the same dimension as everyone else and she isn't a ghost. What is the worst thing that can happen by walking up to her, greeting her and asking her if she is okay?

I agree with UKsounding. You have nothing to lose by being friendly to this lady and reaching out to her.

@UKsounding Your story made me well up too. It was lovely and I'm so glad she helped.

Leaving aside whether she may be poorly, is she someone you think might like a friendly smile, a cuppa or even potentially a friend. Would you like those things? Then go for it. What's to hurt?
I was that mum many moons ago, I was desperate for someone to talk to (who wanted to be friendly for the sake of it, not to suss out if I was "worth knowing" ) Do your kids know each other? Can you spark a conversation about school?

I think it depends if she has lots of friends already. No-one wants to be the object of pity. I had a friend who had cancer and eventually died of it, and she said that random people she hardly knew kept launching themselves at her, inviting themselves round for coffee, talking often insensitively about others who were doing really well with cancer (she knew she was terminal).

Be friendly and smile, and talk to her if it seems appropriate and natural, but don't home in on her as she's ill and treat her like a pity case. No-one wants that because at the end of the day, what we all want is genuine friends who would like us whether we had hair or not (and she may just have alopecia as well).

I was trying to say that in my friend's case she had a lot of friends already, and it ended up with people almost vying to be her friend in the difficult time- and as I say, people she didn't know well trying to befriend her when she actually had a lot of support/existing friends. In the end, she had to cut down all but the essential friends and socialize very little as she was too ill to manage everyone else's need to be with her and to help.

Unfortunately my experience with a friend was similar to Thetreesareallgone
She got so irritated by people who wouldn't generally speak to her, then come and be terribly friendly when she was going through a bad patch.
They're also the people that put "Gone my beautiful angel" fb page round about her anniversary and gush away about how wonderful she was. I look at the posts and think how cross she'd be about it.

The other thing is, if she thinks she's continuing and no one noticed then she may be really upset to find it's obvious.

If you normally would smile and say hello, then continue.

Perhaps you could start off by making a general friendly gesture like saying "I like your coat / scarf / skirt / whatever" and see how she reacts. You'll probably know whether she's interested in being friends.