To think my dad should pay up?

[bea179]

So quite a complicated one, I'm in my 20s and never seen my dad. A few years ago, one of my half siblings contacted me (is in contact with dad), we spoke for a little bit & they said my dad spoke of me often, all the family know about me etc. Half-sibling told me that my dad was an asshole to my mum (didn't know about this).
My dad never paid my mum anything, I know he's financially comfortable and my mum has always had a very low income, and we were very poor. Now I live with DP, we are better off but still struggle a bit.
I'm annoyed that he's never helped, and having a parent helping you through uni must be a god send! I know I'm being U. And a CF. I can't ask him to help me financially I don't even know him. Plus I'm an adult and I need to sort myself out. I can dream though! I just feel very resentful whenever I'm struggling. I suppose on the bright side one day I'll be able to show people what I've achieved without him.
Sorry, I know it's not really a question, just wanted to vent!

Sometimes being offered the money after the fact can lead to even more resentment. You end up feeling in his debt and is not a nice feeling.

I have recently started torturing myself looking at my half sister's Instagram. My dad & I haven't had a relationship for decades & I hate seeing all the hashtag daddy & daughter time /hashtag only child pictures but I still look.
She won't know will she?? On insta, I mean. I haven't seen her since she was a toddler & she's now 30s. My step mum hated the fact we existed. My dad is spineless. I've been debating contacting him but am not sure why. I don't want anything from him other than to know how he just erased us from existence.

That's true, never thought about it like that thank you. While I've been sat here stewing over it I've realised how great my mum is. Must have been so hard but she never complained.

That's horrible Harree worse for you - you actually knew him!

My 'D'F never paid a penny for myself and my sister and took great delight in fooling the courts about how much he earnt. He saw it as a game, to annoy my Mother as much as possible got leaving him and the abusive relationship. I have do much respect for my Mother, because whilst he was doing all of this, making her life a misery in every way possible (not just financially), she never bad mouthed him to me. We saw him EOW growing up and when I was old enough to realise what a nasty, selfish man he was, I went NC with him. He has never seen his grandchild.

I understand to some far lesser degree how you feel. My brother is very successful, but would be nothing without my parents money - my mum and dad both helped him out in a multitude of ways - paying his 35 grand car off, letting him and his wife and kid live rent free for two years whilst they saved, decorating their home (thrice), paying off his massive debt.
I have less than my brother but I’m doing fine, and he takes every opportunity to tell me it doesn’t matter that he has more than me as it doesn’t mean anything blah blah ... and I always think if I had that kind of help I’d be queen of the world!! I’ve been through some very difficult times and he’s had things handed to him on a plate... then I’m the one with a settled happy family and he’s a selfish alcoholic who lost his wife and refuses to see his own kids.
I’m nothing like him, so in a way I’m grateful for my journey. At the times of struggle it’s easy to be resentful but honestly I think I’ve turned out better for my struggles, it’s given me a level head and I don’t take things for granted as he does

My Dad disappeared off to Spain when I was 4 and never paid a penny. I didn't see him again until I was 18 and flew there alone to meet him. I've never taken anything from him and have refused when he's offered. My DM and DGM taught me to stand on my own two feet. I'm proud of myself, even though I have a solicitors letter saying he would pay all the maintenance owed when he had a relationship with me (he didn't and never mentioned this).

My DM went without and sacrificed everything for us and I really, really appreciate that.

As Big says, I'm grateful for my journey. You know who's really there for you.

Some very valid points, nice to hear perspectives of others. How do these people sleep at night?

One of the reasons he’s financially comfortable is that he doesn’t pay his dues. It isn’t you being the CF. I don’t know how you make peace with it but one thing I think you can be sure of is that he won’t pony up anything like what he owes his first family.
I’m really sorry your dad has so little character. It sounds like you take after your mum

Of course he should have paid child support and he's irresponsible not to have done so.

As for supporting you in adult life, that's where I think you have to draw the line. You are an adult and should be making your own way in life not expecting others to fund it.

Mine rarely paid child support but I didn't expect either of them to support me financially once I was an independent adult.

All these strong women raising their children without financial input from the Dads I honestly don't think I'd be strong enough not to badmouth a non payer to my kids.

How lovely if some of you were able to do something to acknowledge all they have done. Even something as simple as a bunch of flowers or a thank you card.

Tinkly i might just do that. So much respect to all these wonderful and brave women.

As a small child I hated not having a dad. I wasn't angry at my mum, but I disliked our family unit because of it. I feel awful now I couldn't be without her. Him on the other hand..

Abandoning your children is pretty much one of the worst things you can do. Your DF is going to look back on his life one day and see his huge failure. He hasn't been a good man, and that's a lot harder to live with than 15 quid a week less in the bank, as he is about to find out.

I wonder if he will think that though. According to half sibling I'm spoke about often, and according to Mum, his sister tried to take me off my mum in a shop when I was a baby! But that's as far as any contact with that side of the family has gone. Half sibling says (in a way defensive to my mum) that my mum wouldn't allow him to see me, my mum says differently. So I imagine he feels pretty hard done by despite what actually happened

I don't know how they sleep at night BUT it does make you a really good judge of character and very picky about what kind of man you decide to have children with. If me and DH ever did split up I know for sure she would be his number 1 priority. And that's kind of amazing...

Remember that people re-write history to match how they are feeling. Try and find out the facts from someone less involved if you can.

For context my DF said my DM would not let him see us. It turns out that when we were 4/5 she wouldn't put us on a plain on our own.

My ex was another who never paid a penny for his child. When the CSA caught up with him he would give up his job so was assessed on not having to pay anything. I phoned him every week to update him on how she was, what she was doing as he never bothered (despite the fact that he bought her a phone to 'keep in touch'). Now she is an adult she hasn't seen him for over 3 years -he just stopped speaking to her. Nobody knows why, least of all my daughter. He used to say when she was growing up that he left her to do her own thing rather than being in touch. I could never make him understand that it was important for her that he showed interest in her.

I tried really hard not to badmouth him when she was growing up. It was really difficult but to me it served no purpose, it wasn't her fault that he was an asshole. The thing is that he's been the loser - he lives alone in a scruffy tiny flat with no friends and no money and no job. All of his actions i feel were to pay me back for leaving him -such a pointless destructive way of living your life. Me, I'm happy, very solvent, several luxury holidays a year, good, well-paid job.

I would just say (in defence of you Mum who 'apparently' wouldn't let him see you) that although half-sib says 'he speaks of you often' you are now an adult in your 20s and he clearly could contact you if he wanted - but has not done so. He's never bothered to meet you. That tells you all you need to know, sadly. Despite whatever rosy, sad, misty eyed portrait he's painted to his whole (other) family about him being the wronged father it's all a fantasy designed to make him look less of an arsehole.

The reality is, as you know, he has never bothered contact you, shown any interest, cared enough to ensure you were fed/housed/clothed as a child - and certainly wouldn't have been paying anything towards uni fees as an adult. Your Mum on the other hand sounds fantastic. Give her a hug and tell her how great she is.