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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider quitting everything?

19 replies

missladybird · 05/01/2018 18:03

I'm a single SAHM to dd(3) and attend college once a week for an access to higher education course. I don't actually need to do the course because the uni offered me a place last year and I declined it as I wasn't ready.

I suffer with terrible anxiety/OCD and for the last couple of months I've had major flare ups. The most recent being a concern over dd at nursery.

I'm considering quitting college and staying at home with dd until she starts school nursery in September. I'm doing really well in terms of grades at college but I'll be there for another year and a half without really needing to be. I don't want to sound bigheaded but I'm at a different level to the majority of people in my class and I mostly do it for a break from every day life. Does that sound bad?

Anyway, given the recent events and being unhappy with dd's nursery. Aibu to want to quit?

OP posts:

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 05/01/2018 18:11

You haven't really said why you're considering quitting. Is it because of lack of childcare? Or because of your anxiety/ocd?
If you felt that the course would benefit you when you signed up, what makes that not the case now? Ime ocd/anxiety can often cause you to stop activities that are actually helpful to you, due to fear etc - could that be true here?

Original poster

missladybird · 05/01/2018 18:13

I removed dd from the nursery she was at and yesterday she started a new one. She said some concerning things about a naughty lady and something about her bum when she came home and it's really triggered a fear that someone at the nursery is potentially a paedophile. I know this is so extreme and that it's OCD (most likely) but I can't send her back there. Even if it's a tiny risk, I just can't take it.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/01/2018 18:20

Before you decide the nursery presents a risk to your child, have you spoken to them about what she said? There are a hundred different explanations, only one of which is that the nursery staff are sexually abusuve. If you know you have an anxiety disorder, I'd be using the next however long as an opportunity to work through those issues and heal a bit.

Your college course doesn't sound stretching but it does give you time away from being a mum which is worth hanging on to. If the course isn't taxing, use your space capacity to learn about how to manage your anxiety, do some form of therapy but don't make decisions based on your over anxious response. Uni will throw up lots of triggers for your anxiety - better to practice coping with that while the stakes are low than risk chucking your degree course down the line.

Original poster

missladybird · 05/01/2018 19:31

Yeah I called them and they didn't seem fussed about my concern. They said they didn't know what she was referring to. I stayed a bit while she settled in and heard a nursery worker in the 2-3 room raising her voice saying to a boy 'I won't tell you again, sit on your bum!' -bit harsh and unnecessary?

OP posts:

Carbohol78 · 05/01/2018 20:02

slightly missing point of the thread

I think it’s really out of order for a nursery worker to use the word “bum”, I know some parents do, and fair enough, each to their own, but some (myself included) certainly don’t, I’d be so annoyed with a paid carer using it around my child (especially in annoyance at a child)

Original poster

missladybird · 05/01/2018 20:48

I didn't like it either. And I definitely didn't like her tone. He's a 2 year old, why the need to shout?

OP posts:

Original poster

missladybird · 05/01/2018 21:13

Bumping. I feel so shit

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 05/01/2018 21:18

Whilst I understand your anxiety, I think you need to learn to trust others to care for your DD as you clearly don't.
I would suggest looking for a childminder would be better for you than a nursery. Only one person to trust and you can be certain you are comfortable before you leave them.
You will need childcare in place when you go to university so it is worth doing it now plus you need time away from being mum sometimes.

MynewnameisKy · 05/01/2018 22:15

The problem with retreating and staying home until September is it will be even harder to get back out there.

Original poster

missladybird · 06/01/2018 13:33

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to send her back to that nursery, the shouting alone has put me off, and obviously the odd comments from dd. My instinct is telling me not to take her back there. But that leaves me with no childcare. Hence why I think quitting college might have to happen.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 06/01/2018 13:40

I think your anxiety will cause you to find an issue with whatever nursery you put your dd in.
Raising there voice could be for a number of reasons 1) tonne heard as children were talking 2) the child had been asked several times and this was a way to get their attention 3) the child could have a hearing impairment and so on.
I think you need to deal with your anxiety and OCD. Why are you taking the course if you don't need too? If you feel you are more competent than your peers, and it's an added workload- why put that pressure on yourself?

Viviennemary · 06/01/2018 13:42

If you aren't enjoying the course and don't need the qualification to get into Uni then I don't think it's unreasonable for you to quit. But I'd have a word with the tutors first and say what you've said here. And are going to be relying on them for references. Then it might not look good if you quit. Just noticed you are only there once a week. So you need to find childcare you are happy with.

Original poster

missladybird · 06/01/2018 13:47

I'm doing the course for a bit of me time and to get back in to the swing of education again. I'm enjoying it but the situation with the nursery is bothering me.

I don't think there is any need to raise your voice to a 2 year old in any situation to be honest.

OP posts:

Elsiejane · 06/01/2018 13:53

I went back to college for 2 days a week mainly as a break but to also further my education and get me back in the swing of things. I luckily have never found a problem with the nursery and think they are brilliant.
Did you have to pay for the course/take out a loan? Could your DD go to a different nursery?
If your concerns with the nursery arent being met then speak to someone else, management or not if not the governors?

orange456 · 06/01/2018 13:59

Why did you remove her from the first nursery?

KimmySchmidt1 · 06/01/2018 14:06

Why did you not feel ready to do your uni course? Isnt there a risk that if you cant force yourself to do an easy course one day a week because of your anxiety, you are not going to be able to cope with the uni course?

I think if you are planning to go straight into the uni course now and just dont want to be delayed by a year, then that makes sense. But if you are planning to stop college because it makes you anxious, then you are probably lying to yourself that you could start the uni course and not have the same problem.

Perhaps think of the college course of a way of learning to manage your anxiety so you can cope with the uni course. Otherwise you will just end up quitting that. Not all things in life are just about being clever enough to do them - as you are proving with your college course - but I think you know that, and the "its too easy" line is just an excuse, since the reason you want to quit it is your anxiety.

RavingRoo · 06/01/2018 15:08

Is your anxiety being medically treated? It might need to be if it’s affecting you and by extension your daughter like this.

TammySwansonTwo · 06/01/2018 15:13

I saw your other post - personally if my child said and did the things yours did, and the nursery fobbed me off, my kid wouldn't be going back there, ever. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

I do think maybe a childminder might be better for you - have you had a look?

FizzyGreenWater · 06/01/2018 15:38

I wouldn't conflate the two things.

I read your other post and I would also remove my child from that nursery.

People always say, trust your instinct. And I think you should. Personally I think that to not do so, to be afraid that it's your anxiety talking and to override your instinct... well, I don't think that's a very empowering approach either to be honest.

Take her out.

Then have a think about how you tackle your wider issue. Either you find a childminder and carry on with your course, or you stop things now and start the uni course later. Be honest with yourself and if you think that it's your anxiety talking then don't ignore that - if you know deep down that your anxiety is making you shy away from college then grit your teeth and find a childminder!

But - you say you're enjoying it. So maybe things arent' as bad as all that. It's just unfortunate that this nursery situation has come up perhaps.

But - don't ignore your instincts when it comes to your child.

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