Is this a victim/martyr complex?
My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago after a year.
Things were fantastic initially but he struggled to make any changes in his life for a relationship-he is ten years older than me so was very set in his ways, and so he went from passionately talking about our future together to obviously panicking etc. In our day to day relationship, he treated me extremely well-the perfect gentleman, was romantic, did lots for me etc but he struggled so much to make any changes to his life and make me a priority, rather than all the other people he looked after-mother, family etc.There are many examples of when he made his unsureness about us clear and he made me feel like a hassle for any tiny adaptions he had to make to his life. He was so caught up in his own doubts, he couldn't see the effect on me. I was so anxious and unhappy that I ended it.
We had done long distance at the very start-I was away for five months after we had only been together six weeks. I found out two months ago that he had met an ex one night out when I was away and the next day, they were texting and he pursued her and asked her out. I read the texts, he has put a stop to it the next day-his conscience caught up with him and nothing happened, but they remained in contact every couple of months with a platonic text, although our relationship was downplayed in it. He was very sorry-blamed it on him having trust issues with me, not really thinking I would come back to him which I knew was the case as he was so crazily insecure, not that that in any way makes it any better. I ended it immediately but I was so heartbroken that we only took a break for a few days and I forgave him. After that, he tried hard to make the adjustments in his life for a normal relationship, but he was obviously struggling as he had never done it before for anyone. It was only when I was going through that heartbreak that the overwhelming hurt over the betrayal with his ex started.
He is heartbroken that we are over now and I has promised me everything etc etc. I was so tempted but am staying strong.
What's wrecking my head is this. He is so obsessed with being a 'good, moral' guy, better than 'typical player' guys. He is a real 'do gooder', very big on principals and being 'wholesome' etc. We could not have been more different-I wouldn't be the 'good girl' stereotype that probably his exs were. I was feeling for a time that he saw himself as being more principled etc than me which annoys me so much with the knowledge of what he did. I saw us as being so different but we were so in love and he had so many lovely qualities. He does lots for people but always has this feeling of being unappreciated. I feel is all comes from his serious lack of self esteem and massive insecurities. As a child, I know he never felt accepted by his dad and even now he seems so eager to please him, so maybe that's one of the reasons for it.
My issue is that he always sees himself as a victim and his worse nightmare is him being seen as anything else other than a really 'good guy' and a 'great boyfriend'.He sees himself as someone who treats girls incredibly well- his relationships ending were always the girls fault. I know that just like me, he struggled with making any changes to his life for the relationships-he seemed unwilling to grow up.
Since breaking up, he has said sorry for making me feel so hurt and insecure for those months he was panicking and for what happened with his ex but he still will not accept that he was anything other than an 'excellent' boyfriend who treated me so well. I have explained numerous times that in many ways he treated me amazingly well, just like I did him, but that by his betrayal and the way he promised me the world and then acted with such unsureness towards me and his resentment for any changes to his life, he did not always treat me well. I told him his actions with the girl were weak and despicable etc and I need to understand why he acted like that when it is against everything he prides himself on being. He can't engage as he can't bear to think of himself in that light and says I am just dredging up old wounds. But when I found out, I was in such shock that it wasn't discussed properly and the hurt is actually much worse now.
He is so unbelievably defensive and throughout our relationship, anytime he was questioned on something he did, he would get unbelievably defensive, not engage with the actual issue and tell me I did not appreciate what a great boyfriend he was.
He seems himself as being a the 'nice guy' who women treat badly and take advantage of. He blames debt on girlfriends as he is so good to them, instead of taking personal responsibility. The thing is, his friends and family, who he does so much for, see him as he sees himself. Its so infuriating when he tells me that everyone says what a great boyfriend he is. He simply cannot understand that being a good guy to all of them does not automatically mean you are an amazing boyfriend and that girlfriends can only be the judge of that.
I feel like I am gone slightly crazy as I love him and care about him so much. Is this a victim/martyr complex? Is there any hope for someone like that. I can't go back there but I do want him to be happy but I think he never will be. He'll always see himself as the nice guy who is taken advantage of and I don't think he'll ever have a lasting relationship. I have made him sound awful probably but he really has such fabulous qualities and he has been so good to me in many ways and I think his huge lack of self esteem is the root cause.
Is there anything I can do?