Emotionally abusive men

[custardcreamsandtea]

NCed for this. Just want to know when you you've been in a emotionally abusive marriage/relationship, once you left and got your own place did it make you stronger as a person? Did it effect how you look at men in general, future relationships etc. Did it effect your ability to trust another man again? Was your guard always up when you met someone new? Or did you let your guard down after getting to know the person?

I've decided to leave a emotional abusive marriage, but have to get myself sorted first before I can leave. That means we continue to live under the same roof, and it's soul destroying.

Constant belittling, mocking, shouting, name calling. To the point where I just start to cry and then he stops, sometimes he doesn't, and I just have to leave the room. He has to make you feel like you're scum, like you're nothing.

Would love to hear your stories on this, thanks.

I think whatever it takes, you need to get out ASAP. I was with someone for 5 years: at first I was so great, I was beautiful, clever, too good for him ... then the behaviour became more and more unreasonable and controlling. I was a bitch. No wonder my Ex H left me, I was a vile person who didn't deserve happiness. He was just starting to get physically abusive when I left - throwing things, knocked me over the back of the sofa once, but was always quick to say 'have I ever hit you? Have I ever raised my fist to you? Conniving and devious. When I finally left I basically had to plan how to go: got a lot of my stuff that I knew he wouldn't miss and took it to a friend's house. He knew I wasn't happy as I had told him but he just kept using it as an excuse to be even nastier ('you're going to leave, so why should I be nice?' type thing). One morning I just said that it wasn't working, it would never work, I was desperately unhappy, so I'm leaving. And I went. I was lucky because I had someone I could stay with. It took a year of shit (we worked for the same company - saw him every day but luckily management were keeping a watchful eye and took a dim view of his attempts to goad and upset me at work) but I got there. We owned a house together and it took me a year to get him to buy me out - in hindsight I didn't go about it the right way, but I got there. I started feeling better straight away. The relationship had been dead for a great while and I actually met a very nice man via a friend - we actually talked and went out - my ex never wanted to do anything with me and we didn't go out at all (he was always accusing me of flirting with bartenders/ male shop assistants/ male colleagues/ any male with a pulse). I took it slow with this new man and after a year of dating we moved in together - I knew he was a completely different type of person (you get to know the signals with a would-be abuser). We have been married for 5 years and have 2 DC. So you see, we can move on and have a happy life.

I have no specific advice OP, but these are for you

You have a shiny, brand new year ahead of you. Please use it to break free from this relationship, engage in some self care and rebuild the life you deserve.

Do you have any family/friends who can put you up until you can financially afford to go it solo?

Bit different because I didn't recognise it as EA until afterwards. Frequent rows with megasulks on his behalf, only ending with me apologising then feeling crap because I felt I'd sold out and apologised for something I hadn't done. Always trying to convince me I was abnormally neurotic. One afternoon I had a sudden realisation that the only thing I'd miss was my vegetable garden. Easier for me because I met another man (so went straight from one relationship to another), who made me feel good about myself, seemed to think I was a good and capable person, and the previous relationship helped me recognise how valuable this was. Still with the new guy 40 years later - have had ups and downs, but all is good now.

I posted about my circumstances before and got so much support. We have since talked and I have told him that I have had enough of walking on eggshells so this year we are splitting up. Like you I need to put certain things in place before this can happen - 15 yrs is a lot to sort out overnight.

My OH (hes not is he really but is there another term!?) knows I have 100% made up my mind and he has admitted that he has screwed up. He is trying from his side of things to rebuild his relationship with the kids and with me as a friend and honestly, I really respect him for trying. I am so sorry you are still having a hard time with your situation and I really hope it improves. In answer to your question though, I haven't left yet but the air feels a lot clearer now that I have stopped putting up and shutting up. It can only get better x

We weren't married and he left me but...thank god! He only left because I refused to be bullied any longer. I had to spend some time alone and make sure I only spent time with people who would lift me up. If there's someone you can trust, try telling them exactly what he has said to you. When I told two of my oldest friends his opinion of me they laughed, long and hard and said that the person described was soooo far away from who I was it was (almost) hilarious. Then they cried with me. That was a real turning point.

When I did get into a new relationship I found there were some behaviours I simply could not tolerate. I still can't bear it if someone stands over me and points down at me while shouting. I have explained to DH how this brings back awful memories and he doesn't do it. I am sure you will find time to heal, just make sure you know what your 'red alerts' are. Some of mine bought back such awful feelings I couldn't see straight and sometimes completely overreacted. I also still cannot stand being accused of flirting as that was his 'thing'.

Piffe11.. I wish I could just move out but I can’t, don’t have any family here they’re all abroad and the thing is I have kids with this man. So I can’t just up and leave, but believe me if there were no kids involved I would have taken the first flight home.

Meredint.. I didn’t know anything about emotional abuse before I decided to leave,

I did some research on it and I could recognise some of the things.. like the shouting, making me feel worthless, I have also apologised for things god knows why, just so he could stop with the silent treatment. I was a SAHM for 7 years, and I relied on him. He plays on that a lot, I feel so vulnerable.

One thing I’ve promised myself once I’ve got my own place is that I will NEVER let another man make me feel vulnerable, make him feel like he’s got the upper hand. I’ll be independent, work and have my own finances and my own EVERYTHING. Tired of this shit. My self esteem is so low.. what makes someone treat another human being like this? I don’t get it

My first marriage was awful! He was a pretty nasty character and seemed to enjoy frightening me and making me miserable. It took me years and years to pluck up the courage to stand up for myself and even more years to free myself of him. I can still remember the day I moved into my little flat, it was sheer joy to have my own place.

It is a long journey ending an EA marriage and more difficult than words can say. I only wish that MN had been around in those days. Good luck to everyone enduring EA marriages, both men and women. Life does get better once you're alone.

I suppose their own baggage makes some people treat others so badly, custard but that's no excuse of course.

Hi I left my emotionally abusive stbxh about 5 months ago in similar circumstances. Sahm to 3 children, completely dependent on him and forever inferior for it.
I tried for years to get him to get help for what I thought was an anger problem and finally wrote a long email begging him to change. I reread through the email and chose to post it on here for comments instead of sending it to him. Every single response urged me to get out and be safe. That it was never going to change, certainly not for the better. If you have to explain to someone how to behave to the people they love - no calling offensive names, throwing things, threatening to kill them - then there is just something missing in them. I left less than 2 weeks later.
My life is unrecognisable since we left, it is like a weight had been lifted and I feel like a confident, capable, valued woman again. No more walking on eggshells or worrying what his reaction is going to be to the smallest of mishaps.
He'll always be in my life because of the children, but he no longer controls me or scares me. Though he still tries.
It will be a long time before I even think about being with someone else as we have a lot if healing and adjusting to do as a family and I simply don't trust my instincts anymore.
I hope you have the means to leave soon. I think making the decision is the hardest part, having to stay once you've decided must be agony.
There are things you can start to do...my first stop was women's aid (who made me realise how serious things were), then citizens advice to find out the options (benefits, housing) and then a solicitor who can start things moving (I got an interim interdict with power of arrest to stop him from harming us when we left, getting legal aid in place etc)
Best of luck custard, believe me when I say that one day you will look back and realise that leaving the pig will be the best thing you ever did. X

Newmumintown.. glad you got out! Hopefully soon that will be me, the day I get the keys to my house oh my god, i think I'll cry. How did you go about housing? Did you go to the council and they put you in temporary accommodation? Problem is I'm in London and I don't want to be rehoused somewhere outside London, and I'm sure he will have something to say about.

custard I so much admire you. He hasn't been able to destroy you. You recognise the EA, you say "he has to make you feel like scum" - but in yourself, you still know that you're not scum. You have kept your own reality, you haven't succumbed to believing his "reality"

Meredint.. the thing is for years i thought it was my fault that he was shouting, maybe if I did this or did that he would change. I had the belief that marriage was forever and you have to stick it out, it will get better etc. I thought he would change, he told me many times he would. And he did, for one week. Then it was back to the shouting, belittling, name calling, being aggressive etc. Something happened one day, and I just had a light bulb moment, I realised I don’t have to live like this and I deserve better. I love reading all the “living alone” and “life after separation/divorce “ thread. I can’t wait to experience it..living on my own with my kids.