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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/WWYD Delaying TTC for Holidays?

26 replies

FlapJackered · 05/01/2018 10:37

Hi, Kind of AIBU but more WWYD...
I am 30 been married about a year and with my Husband for 12 years.
I am keen to have babies at some point but I am a bit of a planner and kind of want to have a plan in my head of when.

I had originally thought that as we are going on a Ski holiday in Feb we could just stop preventing pregnancy then....but now we have just booked a holiday to Spain in September. It struck me that maybe I don't want to be pregnant and potentially feeling rubbish all holiday?
So then I thought maybe we wait until September to start trying, but DH has a plan for us to go to Hong Kong in Dec 2019, which is not so pregnancy or newborn friendly either!
If I wait until after then I won't have my first until I am 33 which is fine, but I just wonder if there is always going to be some reason why it is not ideal timing. In the back of my mind I am concerned we may have some problems too, it took my Mum 10 years to conceive.
What would you do? Do you think IABU delaying it when there is never a right time, or would you delay it and enjoy the holidays while you can?
Thank you! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
FlapJackered · 05/01/2018 10:38

also....DH is keen to start a family whenever, he is extremely laid back though and it doesn't bother him when.

OP posts:
WhyteKnyght · 05/01/2018 10:42

Just do it.

There will always be something you would rather not be pregnant for: holidays, your best friend's wedding, Christmas, etc etc. The good thing about holidays, as opposed to many other things in life, is that you can plan them around pregnancy pretty easily. If there are fertility issues in your family then I wouldn't delay. Just stop booking holidays so far in advance and book them around your other circumstances, how you are feeling closer to the time etc, instead.

acquiescence · 05/01/2018 10:44

If it took your mum 10 years to conceive it is likely she had fertility issues and it could be that this is hereditary. If you wait until you’re 33 to start you may end up not being able to conceive at all. If you want it go for it, there is no right time. I have been amazed at the amount of women I know who have had issues tic.

JenniferL90 · 05/01/2018 10:45

Don't go assuming you're going to get pregnant as soon as you try.

My friends have been trying for 11 years, others finally now have a son after 9. My DD wasn't born until two years after I'd "planned" to get pregnant.

If you'd rather have holidays than a child then make that decision, but don't keep putting off TTC, the older you get the longer it'll take.

Whichschool2020 · 05/01/2018 10:47

Just do it. It may happen straight away, it may take years. There will always be something coming up!

AyeAyeFishyPie · 05/01/2018 10:48

I would say go to Spain and then start TTC. Its easy to keep putting it off but if you have reason to think you may struggle three years is quite a significant amount of time. Remember that having a baby isn’t a life sentence. Lots of people go to lots of places with their children and carry on doing so once they have flown the nest.

MrTrebus · 05/01/2018 10:50

Took us 5 years of trying to conceive naturally in the end, we had fertility tests but nothing wrong with either of us, for some reason it just didn't happen for ages!! If I could go back in time I would have started TTC sooner and not worried about things that might get in the way, but each to their own! In the end it happened at the right time for us age 32 Smile

MollyHuaCha · 05/01/2018 11:01

You might take ages to conceive (or not at all), but then again, you might be gone pregnant immediately upon trying, as I did (my own mother apparently took years).

Therefore, if I were you, I would not want to be pregnant at all for a ski trip - the skiing itself would be fine, but I'd consider the risk of a fall/crash too great.

Spain when in the early middle stage of pregnancy would be fine, just check your health insurance to make sure you are covered for pregnancy complications.

Therefore, if I were in your situation, I would start TTC around May.

I round also not book the HK trip. If you are childless it would be easy. But you have no idea at this stage if you will have twins, triplets, a disabled child, child with medical issues etc. all of which would impact on the holiday. Therefore you cannot book flights and accommodation because you do not know who will be going.

Good luck with TTC!

eurochick · 05/01/2018 11:04

Just go for it. We waited a month to start ttc in an attempt to avoid an August due date. We ended up with an August due date - three years later...

Hillarious · 05/01/2018 11:07

You're going to have to accept that having a baby will have an impact on your life and at some point you're going to have to focus on that. I'd have loved a skiing holiday or a trip to Hong Kong, but they didn't happen Even Serena Williams has put things on hold for now.

HelloSunshine11 · 05/01/2018 11:11

Personally, I would do the HK trip and start trying after that. We had some AMAZING holidays before we had DS and I don't regret any of that time (and I say this as a 38 year old who is really struggling to conceive a second child, to the point where it looks like we might not have one).

That said, we did Thailand and Singapore when I was 25 weeks. Pregnancy doesn't mean everything has to stop - and it's true that there will never, ever be an ideal time. TTCing means relenting all control-freakery elements of your personality (not you specifically OP!), fate goes into the lap of the gods!

PrincessPeach08 · 05/01/2018 11:20

With my first it took 2 years of ttc an this time round it happened the 1st month of trying. So you really never know how long it could take. We had booked a holiday for September and decided to wait until after then as I wanted to be able to enjoy it with my ds and not be sick etc in the heat. Is the holiday for September paid in full or just a deposit? If you don't mind losing the deposit why not go on the ski holiday and then start trying, of you conceive before the holiday to Spain you could always cancel and lose the deposit

Original poster
FlapJackered · 05/01/2018 11:20

Thanks so much for your wise, wise replies!
I think you have confirmed what I was leaning towards anyway. I think I would have regrets if I waited until my mid-thirties only to find out we had fertility issues. I reckon we wait until after Skiing and then talk about starting to try then.
Although..I am dreaming we will have the most perfectly behaved baby that we can take on a long flight and I can just strap onto me and wonder around Hong Kong without a problem, but in reality I reckon it would be a completely utter nightmare/worst decision ever! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FlapJackered · 05/01/2018 11:22

Princess - it is all booked, but while at the moment the plan is to do lots of sightseeing, it can easily be changed to a more relaxing poolside kind of holiday.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 05/01/2018 11:22

The plan to start trying in April/May this year is a good one because if you get pregnant quite quickly you can still go on your Spanish holiday and you can go to Hong Kong with the DC aged 1 ish.

Obviously the spanner in the works would be if you take a bit longer to conceive and end up very heavily pregnant or with a newborn having booked the Hong Kong holiday.

But I'm wondering if your DH is not thinking through the impact children will have on his life if he's still making all these plans that may be more difficult to execute or you just don't have the energy for with babies in tow?

Cath2907 · 05/01/2018 11:26

Don't plan!

I am a total planner. I worked out a great window and started TTCing expecting pregnancy to fit within that window, the baby to be nice and portable by 6 months and for us to then get on with the rest of the plan...

TTCing took 2 years for me to get pregnant. Sadly had a miscarriage at 3 months, got pregnant again immediately and lost it very early. Got pregnant again 3 months later. Turned out to be our daughter. She was a terrible sleeper and for a year we lived in a total fog of exhaustion. Basically it did not go to plan at all and I regret all the things I put off doing in case I might get pregnant!

Original poster
FlapJackered · 05/01/2018 11:26

Barbara - unfortunately he is not someone who plans life at all! (Can be v frustrating but also makes him v relaxed and happy)
He would like a family and is aware of how hard it will be but is not worried about when it happens. We have talked about how HK might not happen if I am heavily pregnant or newborn and although he would be really disappointed not to go, he is prepared for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlapJackered · 05/01/2018 11:29

Cath - I think that is my DH's view. He thinks we just deal with it when it happens, but I suppose it is just that initial huugggeee decision to stop contraception

OP posts:
AyeAyeFishyPie · 05/01/2018 11:37

Absolutely. I think when you start TTC you have to be prepared for it to happen immediately and also accept it might take a long time. We went to Mauritus in December, had been Mexico but we decided to TTc so we wanted to avoid Zika. I thought it would take a few months - instead i fell pregnant straight away. We are now planning a holiday before the baby arrives, somewhere not too hot!

Minniemountain · 05/01/2018 11:41

I would start after your ski trip.
Are you on contraception that needs time to work its way out of your system?
Spain should be fine if you're pregnant. I found being active easier in the early stages of pregnancy than when I had a huge bump, so though I was tired for our walking weekend at 3 months, it was a more enjoyable in some ways than the Sardinia trip at 6 months.

Jessybear90 · 05/01/2018 12:24

It's all a matter of personal choice it's really up to you.

For me personally I didn't want to wait any longer, luckily I fell pregnant quite fast however I know so, so many people (past and present) who started trying, discovered they were getting nowhere and are 7 years into failed IVF cycles etc. And the pain for these people is very real and heartbreaking.

Depends how relaxed you are as a person. I would be panicking. My mum on the other hand had my sister at 35...so it really is just personal preference.

All that we have to go by is that they suggest your fertility ups and leaves and jumps off a cliff as soon as you hit 35 Hmm which of course scares people but I also know quite a lot of people who have left it until their 40s as well.

acquiescence · 05/01/2018 14:56

Another experience to add....
we were deliberating about when to book our wedding and when to start ttc. We started ttc and nothing happened for 6 months or so, booked wedding for 5 months later and got pregnant not too long after. I had previously thought I would have hated to be pregnant for my wedding but it was wonderful. I was 10 weeks gone, a bit nauseous but fine, and looked great as wasn’t showing yet and not many people knew. I’m so glad we didn’t wait.

Coastalcommand · 05/01/2018 15:01

I think you’re right starting after your skiing trip. As somebody who started trying in their mid 30s and then had to have IVF, I wish we’d realised to start area. The holiday to Spain would be lovely if you were pregnant. We went on holiday when I was in my second trimester and it was great to feel the Sun on my face and show off my little bump.

I think Hong Kong would be fine with the baby, and as theyd be under two you wouldn’t have to pay for a plane ticket for them.

greatpumpkin · 05/01/2018 15:13

Unless you have a difficult pregnancy for some reason, I wouldn’t hesitate to go to Spain whilst pregnant. I’d just start ttc after (or even during) your February ski trip but make sure you have an annual travel insurance policy in case of problems. Honestly you could end up getting norovirus or spraining your ankle or any number of other things before a holiday. I think you’re overthinking!

Good luck!

csigeek · 05/01/2018 15:19

There is never a "good time". Even when you think it is it's not. I guess weigh up how important these other things are to do without a baby (absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that btw) and then decide if you do want to wait or not.
The TTC with regards to your DM's fertility issues, try not to let it worry you. My DM waited 10 years for me and my brother and had to undergo fertility assistance (not ivf, not sure what tbh!) but my husband and I were lucky to have conceived after 3 months of trying. Also I was 33 when DS was born.