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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be offended by DP?

25 replies

WomanEmpire · 04/01/2018 20:59

DP's birthday at the weekend. A couple of days ago I said 'I'm taking you out for your birthday, I've got a babysitter for the children' as he didn't want to plan anything himself (not a huge believer in celebrating birthdays - but I am!) and he said 'I don't wanna go out drinking'
I know he doesn't like excessive drinking, so I'd actually booked one of his favourite restaurants for the evening. Told him I'd booked a table, he's very happy.
He's just said a minute ago, "I think next week I'm going out with all my work friends" when they go out it's always a VERY late affair and pretty effing boozy. And I'm never invited, which is fine, his friends so I let it go.
However, I feel like he never wants to go out with me but enjoys going out with them (without me) and I'm really craving that drunken night with my partner. It is so very rare since children! Anyway, I've told him, he thinks I'm being ridiculous and I'm sulking upstairs (and actually shed a little tear)
AIBU?

OP posts:

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 04/01/2018 21:12

I know how you feel WomanEmpire, my ex was like that. He didn't go out often but was always a lot more keen to go out without me than with me. He said it was because he couldn't relax if we both out and the children were home with a babysitter (generally my very capable brother)

I think its bollocks, he just didn't really care about spending time with me, hence the ex.

If I were you I wouldn't go to much trouble for his bday, find someone else to have a boozy night out with. Maybe once you're going out without him he will realise what he's missing.

InAPickleToday · 04/01/2018 21:18

I don't see what he's done wrong tbh. He's spending the evening with you and then going out with friends next week. It's his birthday, let him decide how he wants to celebrate.

When's your birthday? Suggest a boozy night out for your own birthday with him and book a hotel.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 04/01/2018 21:37

It's his old works party after party. If that makes sense! So not for his birthday really.

I guess he hasn't done anything wrong, but an invite wouldn't go amiss :(

OP posts:

Worriedrose · 04/01/2018 22:06

Bit odd to go to a works party
Sometimes we can get over upset about things that should not be an issue
So unless there are other bigger reasons...

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2018 22:10

Don't spoil the works party for him. I wouldn't invite my DH either because he doesn't really know the people I work with.

Arrange a drinking night out another time and see if he's up for that.

skippy67 · 04/01/2018 22:11

Is the work party for partners too? If not, yabu to want an invitation.

KimmySchmidt1 · 04/01/2018 22:12

I think it's healthy to have time apart and relax getting hooky without judgement from a partner. And nice to have bonding time with work colleagues - it will be all boring / senseless in jokes anyway.

Maybe go out with him separately on a drunken night out if you want that - see what he says.

stickytoffeevodka · 04/01/2018 22:22

I wouldn't invite my partner on a works night out - it completely changes the dynamics to have partners there.

I don't think he's done anything wrong here. He wants to go out for a meal with his girlfriend and drinking with his old work buddies - isn't that fairly standard?

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 04/01/2018 22:28

Yes partners are going. A few of the women I know who have partners who work/worked there are going.

I know IBU really. But it just makes me feel a bit sad. Maybe I should find some friends to go out with!

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Crispbutty · 04/01/2018 22:36

If other partners are going, and you know them then tell him you would like to go so that you can catch up with them. If he says no then you've got a problem.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 04/01/2018 22:41

What are you like when you're drunk? Just I notice that you say you want a 'drunken evening' when he says he doesn't like excessive drinking. And he also goes for boozy nights out with other people and doesn't mind that. And he doesn't invite you to the boozy occasions. Are you a bit of a handful when you're pissed by any chance? It just seems like he might be avoiding occasions where you might drink heavily.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 04/01/2018 22:48

I don't think I have an issue with drinking. I never get so drunk that I can't stand/walk/talk/vomit, etc. I think I drink more than most, but no one has ever said it's an issue (friends or DP) so don't think it's that. Maybe I just cramp his style.

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Eltonjohnssyrup · 04/01/2018 22:51

Are you outrageous though? Offend people or anything?

Worriedrose · 04/01/2018 22:52

Bit odd if it's partners too. Why are you waiting for an invite. Just say I'll get a sitter that night and join you.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 04/01/2018 23:00

Guess I'm worried that asking him outright might get a resounding no, and that would really hurt.

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Worriedrose · 04/01/2018 23:02

At least if you had a resounding no, you could have a conversation about it. Burying it won't do you any good. He thinks youre fine, you're slowing resenting it.
Not a good recipe long term

Somerford · 04/01/2018 23:08

If he says no then you've got a problem.

I disagree. QMy work colleagues are separate from my partner. As are the various circles of friends that I have. I may choose to involve my partner in some or all of them, I may not. Other people's partners attending a certain event or night out wouldn't make me any more or less likely to bring my partner, and if my partner insisted on coming I'd find that intrusive.

Louiselouie0890 · 04/01/2018 23:10

My OH doesn't like me going out if we're both drinking says he doesn't feel like he can look after me if I need him.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 04/01/2018 23:32

Well I've asked. The answer is no. And for reasons such as they're his friends. I totally get that.

I just feel quite lonely, and would enjoy some socialising with my partner and other adults (some of whom are friends, and are difficult to meet up with due to many of us having children, different work schedules etc)

I'm not going to fight it, but I'm one of those people who includes him in everything. If he rejects an invite that's absolutely fine, but I always like to invite just in case.

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Dancinggoat · 05/01/2018 06:35

I'd feel hurt too. It's not him going out with work that's the issue it's the fact partners are invited and he won't invite you and he'll drink with others and not you. I would feel just like you do. I think he's being horrid.

Fairylea · 05/01/2018 06:42

I would feel hurt too.

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 05/01/2018 07:10

Thank you goat and fairy that weirdly makes me feel better!

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Shoxfordian · 05/01/2018 07:32

He does sound a bit mean if other people are taking partners

Do you have any local friends to go out with?

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2018 07:32

Also sounds like he just doesn't like your excessive drinking; happy to do it himself or be around others doing it. Why is that?

Original poster

WomanEmpire · 05/01/2018 09:54

Sadly, no. We used to live in London, and since moving I've really struggled to find friends. I like a lot of people but feel like no body is looking for a new friend if that makes sense. He knows this too.

I honestly don't know. I don't drink a lot often, but when I do drink I suppose I drink a fair bit. But saying that, I don't match his friends anywhere near. New Years/Christmas neither of us were drinking. I just want to feel a little free and merry!

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