Raising Girls!!

[strikingstarlet]

Not sure if I'm looking for a bit of advice or just curious as to what people feel about raising strong capable females in this day and age...

I have 3 girls 11, 9 and 6 all equally wonderful and infuriating in their own way and each completely different from the other!!

My husband and I are luckily very similar in our views and of how we want them brought up and do our best to raise them as individuals who know they are capable of doing what ever they put their mind to/believe in!

Gender equality is very important to us, who they end up loving/being not at all (Gay/Purple/trans...as long as they are happy and healthy!!) mix that with the "centre of our world, not the centre of everyone else's" parenting ethos and I feel we are doing all we can to raise 3 happy, confident and loved kids!!...

What I'm struggling with as they get older are other people's perceptions of how young girls should act, be treated and differ from boys.

I understand we all parent our kids differently, and my way is no better than anyone else's but how do maintain the positive influence I want for them when they are surrounded by a world that wants to pigeon hole...

(Possibly not explains myself very well so here are 4 scenarios from the last month that have either infuriated me or made me question what is right...)

Scenario 1 (typical MIL) "I have bought DGD a pair of shoes with small high heel (repulsive black sueade boot with a 2 inch wedge) Me "that's really kind of you but we live on the moors in Devon where it's very wet and boggy so she lives in her wellys plus they are not great for climbing trees which is her favourite thing to do" MIL "You are aware she is going to high school next year and everyone else is going to laugh at her and call her a baby, also I have bought her a French manicure set so she can start looking after her nails" (FML!!)

Scenario 2 The girls get a bus to school in the morning (school village bus) I always see them on and wave them off, there is an older mum who also waits with her son (who just to add are both LOVELY) and they are generally there before us, (man getting 3 kids out the house for 0830 is hard work!!) every morning without fail I tell the girls to stand back and let the the boy on 1st as he was there 1st and every morning without fail his mum will pull him back and say "Oh no always ladies before gentlmen"
I'm so torn, she is doing her best the same as I am for her child she is installing good manners and respect for women which is absolutely to be commended but there is still something that doesn't sit right with me and feels like it goes against what I'm trying instil in the girls.

Chivalry still have a place or is just a subconscious way of saying women and weaker than men and need to be looked after/escorted?!

Scenario 3 Friend has 2 kids her eldest is a boy a year older than my eldest DD. Friend invites us over for the day and Friends husband asks my DH if he would like to take his boat out and go fishing with eldest kids (my eldest LOVES fishing) turn up at friends house with a very excited DD all ready in her waterproofs etc only to be told "Oh no its only the boys going, it's just a boy thing but I knew the girls would be upset but I have got some sweeties and makeup to keep them happy upstairs" DD was furious and upset.
Still friends with DF but it affected me more than what it should and rightly or wrongly if really changed me perception of her!!

Scenario 4 (short one!!) walking back from school with another friend and friends kids, friend has a boy of 8 who hung behind with my 8yo DD. My DD caught up 1st and friend said "oh was probably waiting behind to do big things"

What are boy things, getting covered in mud my kids do that, making a dam in the river, my kids do that as well, throwing sticks around my kids do that too and probably get the same telling off that boys get!

Why are these actions divided into things boys do and things girls do...surely it's just things children do?!

Anyway this thread is far too long already, it had obviously been on my mind much more than I thought and it was good to get it all out..

I would be really interested what people thought/had any advice, or had ever wondered similar, maybe I'm over thinking, maybe the whole point of parenting so fiercely is that in hope that children still go out and believe they are equal strong and happy in theirselves dispite others perceptions.

I cant get het up about any of them except the fishing one. Which I would hope your dh said 'we agreed fishing with out eldests so she is coming'

Not sure it had been fully agreed tbh but as quite good friends we just presumed as there was enough space (which there was) if their eldest was able to go then so was ours!!

They didn't go in the end and I think we both made our feelings on the matter perfectly clear!!

My DD was never what my MIL wanted, not girly, not interested in make up or clothes. Who cares, she wonderful, if I was you I'd either ignore MIL or say thanks and have a little laugh.

I wouldn't worry too much about the chivalry thing, the mum probably knows he will get moaned at if he doesn't do it for some females.

I would be annoyed about the fishing thing unless there was a problem with toilets. I have been fishing on a boat with a loo so no probs but if it is all a bit alfresco it might have been awkward. I'm assuming that isn't the case or your husband wouldn't have been taking her.

I have no idea what big things the 8 year old might be doing. Maybe ask his mum what she meant?

Hi

Like you I have 2 dd's 11 & 8 who we are trying to bring up with the same things in mind as you, and get equally frustrated by things in your scenarios. It's so hard being surrounded by crazy messages of inequality still, but it's so important to me that they grow up believing and being anyone they want to be whilst also and in equal measure respecting other peoples wishes to be who they want to be. However, Number 3 would've really cheesed me (and my dds!)off and is ridiculous!
With regards to the school bus, I also try to teach my dd's about bring polite and courteous to others, and while the 'ladies first' message is annoying, I would explain it away as politeness and thinking of others.

Scenario 1 with your MIL : just smile and wave. You can’t change your MIL’s view of how your DD’s should act but you can teach your DD’s to find humour in old fashioned ways and to understand that just because someone tries to impose these outdated notions on them, they are free to say NO.

Scenario 2 is chivalry and nothing wrong with it. Yes it’s probably outdated but teaching any young boy to grow up truly respecting women is never a bad thing. See if from a different view. It’s not them treating your DD’s as weaker, it’s teaching him to respect women. A good thing.

Scenario 3 and the trip. They were bang out of order and you’d be right if you told them so. Not fair and seriously stupid of them.

Scenario 4 ‘boy things’. Again you can’t change how others perceive roles but you can teach your DD awesome eye rolling skills.

We can not control others. Only how we react to them.

Yep, I find that infuriating too. There's no boy things and girl things. DH and DD are already planning holidays in Sweden, canoeing on the lakes. I would be furious if someone told me it's not for girls.

1. I'd probably politely disagree and then leave at that. If she said anything directly to your DDs then I'd discuss it with them and talk about why I thought it was misguided.

2. "chivalry" in this way is sexist, in that it is offered only to girls/women. It's totally outdated and unnecessary. You don't need to teach respect for women, you need to teach respect for people. In the example given I'd have said no, it's alright, you were here first and insisted they go first.

3. the fishing trip thing is weird and wrong. I feel sorry for your DD. Once the dad knew she was keen to go it was very unkind to refuse to take her.

4. when people say things like this I just question them about it. I'd ask what she meant by boys things, and then ask her what made them boys things, and gently refute any insistence that girls don't do mud/messy/outdoors stuff. It may fall on deaf ears but it might start to chip away at stereotyped views.

Thanks for all your replys, I guess they are mostly eye rolling situations and it's about teaching the girls that not everyone in life will think and feel the same way as them...

Kids eh...fun times!! 😂

I agree the fishing is the only really serious one. To which I agree your DHs only possible response was "I'm not coming unless she does"

I am torn.
On the one hand I really agree with you on all of them.

On the other hand I have a ds and 2 dd.
There are times when I know ds feels overrun by girls, as he has 5 female cousins as well. There are times when we would arrange for him and his dad (and maybe another male) to go off and do something.
Now, that is not in any way suggesting that the girls couldn't or shouldn't do the same, but rather that there are some times when it is good for some male bonding.

I think in this case with the fishing, my issues would be:

1. they suggested ahead of time that eldest ones would go, then your dd wan't allowed to join
2. I wouldn't remove one child when friends were coming round, especailly if there was a visitor of same age
3. I wouldn't consider sweets and make-up an appropriate alternative to fishing, but would have something as good on hand for the others.

One of my dds hates anything that is traditionally 'girly' and she is now 12. She has been extrememly happy in the scouts. Our local unit is 50% girls and it is a really amazing space where they do anything (7 days camping, cooking all your meals on an open fire age 10; den building; whittling wood with penknives; I won't mention the roasted squirrel...)

It has been a fantastic place to escape stereotypes and build confidence

oh, amd my dd is amazing at laughing at people who suggest 'boy' things and 'girl' things. even her grandparents.