to think this is out of line

[Gardendreaming]

Am NC with my brother. He has issues with alcohol and we have had a difficult relationship which I decided was over, after he verbally abused me publicly. Enough was enough. He has mental health issues too which I believe are untreated and that’s why he drinks. He lives at home with my parents.

He recently took up with a woman who has a child the same age as my child. My DS was visiting my parents and my mum arranged for this woman to come over with her child to play with mine. I knew nothing about this at all until he came home and told me.

AIBU to think this isn’t on? I have no idea who this woman is, or what she’s like, beyond her being my drunk brother’s latest squeeze.

My mother is desperate for him to meet someone and goes out of her way to facilitate it, which I think is why she invited the woman and child over. I think she should have told me first. I’m not hugely keen on my DS spending a lot of time with my brother, let alone who he’s shagging! My mum thinks it’s fine as it’s her house so it’s her call.

AIBU?

What is your concern about the children playing and this woman being in the same house?

And yes it's your mothers house so its up to her who she invites. Your options are not to let your child go there again.

I think it would have been polite for your mum to mention it to you.

However, if my mum is looking after my DC in her own home I have no problem with her inviting someone over that I don’t know (eg her neighbour, who I’ve never met but who has a child the same age as my DC). I think you’re overreacting because of your dislike of your brother. Do you trust your mum to supervise your DC effectively?

Has the child misbehaved? Did your son have any problem with that?
You shouldn't be ostracising other children for their parents.
But if you feel strongly about having nothing to do with your brother to the point that anyone attached to him is a persona non grata, then don't let your son go into your DM's house.

I think while it can be seen as BU as you are trying to tell your mother what to do in her own house. I must be honest and say I think I would be exactly the same.
Your bothers judgment is not great so how are you to know this woman does not have alcohol issues, drug issues etc.
I think your mum is in a really hard place as she wants both her children to be happy.
I would let this go but make it clear i want no futher contact with ds and gf, gf's ds and if my mum couldnt respect that then I wouldn't leave my child there unsupervised.

I wouldn’t leave my child there again, and I’d say why. You’re NC with your brother and wish to maintain that, that means family not working on changing that behind your back. You can almost bet that the next time this child is invited around your brother will go too.

Nope.

thankyou. Yes it's the fact that my brother's judgement is awful and hes mostly drinking that puts me off. My parents let him live there because I don't think he would have anywhere else to go. My son doesn't usually visit without me and my brother is generally asleep in the day and out at night so our paths rarely cross. This was out of the ordinary and it rather threw me.

It's also made me realise that I don't trust my mother's judgement either. She would absolutely know I wouldn't like this which is why I think she didn't mention it.

It’s a tricky one. I get the whole NC thing (we are NC with my bil). Your mum may be wanting to make peace between you all or she may have used your dc’s visit as an excuse to spend time with the gf and her dc to get to know them.

She would absolutely know I wouldn't like this which is why I think she didn't mention it.

That's the nub of it.

When someone looks after your child they're in a position of trust.

The second they decide to do something involving your child that they know you wouldn't like, so they don't tell you - they've broken your trust.

Oh, it can be weaselled around with all sorts of wide-eyed excuses about just having someone over to play etc but that is nonsnese. It doesn't matter what it's about. The second someone omits to tell you something because you wouldn't like it - you know you can trust them. They don't have the honesty and sense of responsibility and loyalty to you to not do the thing. They do the thing and lie.

End of trust - my dc wouldn't be in her care again and I'd explain why.

can't trust them

Yes, that's it. It's all about trust. I couldn't put my finger on it but you're right.