To feel quite controlled by DH

[AEJS]

This is my first post in AIBU so bear with me.

A little background story is needed to properly explain how I feel.
For the past 12 years, since DS was born, I have suffered from severe psychotic depression and PTSD. This has meant that I am regularly admitted to a psychiatrist unit for a month at a time and that I am not able to work. As a result I am a SAHM to DD 14 and DS 12.

During moments of severe illness my DH becomes my carer as well as my husband but this has made changes to our relationship that now I well I would like to undo but don't know how.

As I don't work I have no money other than the amount that DH gives me monthly. This money I use to feed the family and clothe them. I also pay for petrol but it leaves very little if any for me to spend on things I want to do. DH is well paid and we are not short of money but I hate having to ask all the time. I would like to be able to decide about purchases for myself without having to get all stressed about having to ask for it and justify myself.

This then extends into asking for other things. For example if I want to go out into town for example, I will ask first like a child rather than just saying 'DH, after lunch I'm going into town.' Its more like 'DH, would you mind if I went into town after lunch? Are you sure you don't mind?'
The stupid thing is it's always ok but I hate that I keep asking.

If the boots on the other foot and DH wants to go somewhere or buy something he will just tell me he's going to. No asking, no discussion.

I have become the perfect example of a kept woman and now that I am better I'm not sure I like it anymore. I want some control back over my life.

Do you get benefits your self pip as your can't work ?

Ask him to increase the amount he gives you each month and stop asking if you can go into town?

It sounds like these changes are fixable by changes in your behaviour and communication to your husband.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It would be better if he puts his money into his account that you have direct access to. That way you don't have to ask for money, you can just go and buy things.

Has your mental health Had an impact on your confidence? Perhaps building your confidence will also help you to be able to tell him what you plan to do rather than feel that you need to ask.

From what you've written it doesn't sound as though he is controlling you as such. Seems more like with some communication you'll be able to work on regaining your independence.

Does he expect you to ask or is it the case that you think you’re expected to ask?

It’s not clear if you’ve told him you want more flexibility (can’t think of a better word), and he’s refused.

Do you think your depression could by clouding the way you view the situation playing out too?

I ask, because when mine is at its worst, I feel like I’m ‘in trouble’ or that I’ve pissed dh for things that at other times I wouldn’t think twice about. (and my dh is definitely not controlling or abusive so I know its me that sees it differently).

My dh also suffers anxiety and depression, but his is more brought on by other physical illness, and he goes through similar feelings.

I think communication is key here

Your illness must be a real challenge for you AEJS. Really glad you seem able to have well times as well as bad ones and hope you are on the mend now.

I care for my Dh who has severe MH problems and as you say it really changes the dynamic of the relationship and sometimes I really do have to guide him or put limits on him in a way that isn't quite normal in a marriage, but I always do it with the intention of helping him not make poor or rash decision due to illness and to help him get more of what he really needs, with the aim of helping him to get better.

It really doesn't sound as if your DH has the same attitude but rather has much more of a 'tradtional' holding the purse strings role. It can be so demeaning to have to ask for money and really he needs to be caring about what you need - it might be that perhaps he needs to have or did need to have overall control of the money because of your illness, but it can be done in a way that is does not strip you of all autonomy. Help and care mustn't become financial abuse. And him seeming to do as he pleases without so communicating with you is sad and disrespectful :(

Have you tried to talk to him about it? If you didn't pool all finances prior to you being ill then I suppose he doesn't have the habit of sharing money but he needs to get used to seeing money as household money now. Do you have a MH support worker that you could discuss it with? (yes I do know that hey can be like hen's teeth - we dont have one - but its worth asking!) And who might be able to talk to him with you? He might have some financial concerns related to your illness, but he needs to understand that he is not handling in the right way .

I'm a stay at home parent. Out of my husband's salary we agreed what amount goes into our personal accounts for spends and personal essentials each and the rest goes into our joint account for bills and shopping . We both have equal access to the JA. It works well for us. sounds like you may need to sit down and work out some changes now that your health has improved.

What would happen if you just told him you were going to town,instead of asking? Or if you asked him to up his monthly amount as you often come up short and would like to go out sometimes?