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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for expecting more family support/interest re. my son with ASD

3 replies

vespertillio · 03/01/2018 23:23

My lovely ds (11) was recently and unsurprisingly I guess diagnosed with ASD/HFA. My very domineering dsis had been at me to have him assessed but there were various obstacles in the way and his characteristics were very mild until recently when he started having extreme anxiety around puberty including pretty bad meltdowns, and his friends started withdrawing from him due to his continued interests (some would say obsessions) in activities and hobbies they've moved on from.

Anyway, she has never once asked how we are or if she can help at all and despite me asking if we might meet up or spend time together (my ds is very fond of her kids) including inviting her family over she always says she is too busy but is very keen to give (unwanted) advice and spends time with other family members.

When she was going through a rough patch a few years ago, I was always available for her, called her every day, received her calls any hour of the day and offered to help in practical ways as well. Same has happened with another sibling who I also helped through a tough time.

Anyway, I feel very let down as I could really do with just having someone to talk to a little and for someone to show more interest in my ds who I can see becoming more withdrawn and isolated and who is a lovely boy really suffering from chronic insomnia and anxiety. He has had an increasing number of meltdowns at home but not in front of family.

WIBU to ask straight out if they can help him feel more part of a family network or do I wait until help is offered? I do understand everyone has busy lives and their own problems but as well as being really worried for him I can also feel myself becoming very withdrawn as I don't know how to talk about my ds with friends and am conscious that most people I know have a fair amount going on in their lives and I don't really want to impose. If anyone has been through something like this I'd be grateful if they could advise how they helped build up a network of support/interest for their dc or themselves.

OP posts:
Pigglesworth · 04/01/2018 02:51

I don't see the harm in asking for support - the worst that can happen is that the status quo continues. Sorry to hear your son is struggling.

pinkdelight · 04/01/2018 08:21

YANBU to hope for more help from your family, and it's definitely worth asking for practical support, but dsis doesn't sound like the right person to give you the emotional support you need. You say she's domineering and also sounds like she transmits rather than receives - likes to give you advice or offload her problems, but not really listen to you. You need a more sympathetic ear and people who understand what you're going through. Have you investigated support groups in your area or ways to meet other mums of kids with ASD? You sound like a lovely mum and what you're going through with your son sounds very tough but I fear expecting more from your dsis may only lead to more frustration and upset. Hope I'm proven wrong!

vespertillio · 04/01/2018 10:10

pinkdelight yes, thanks, I guess you're right about transmitting rather than receiving. Everything I read about mental health in adolescence emphasises the importance of a strong network and I think for my ds feeling part of a family network in a deeper way would really help as there is a stability there that doesn't exist in other parts of his life despite him being involved in various clubs and extra-curricular activities (where he never talks to the other kids). I guess I imagine family would show a bit more patience and acceptance and that would help him feel more rooted. I can see him getting more reliant on just our own immediate family and wish my dsibs would maybe take him out for an afternoon (as I used with their kids when they were younger) to help him be more independent and for them to get to know him a bit better.

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