To be in this state of rage during bedtime.

[LoopyMum86]

I don’t know if I am or not but something feels wrong, this can’t be normal.

So as not to drip feed - dd 4 has autism and sleeps very little (even with the tablets). Ds is nearly two years old and is being seen by the consultant paediatrician every six months, as he is too young to diagnose but signs are there. It runs in the family.

I’m usually pretty good at using the breathing techniques to calm down etc. but the last couple of nights I just can’t take it anymore.

When one goes to sleep the other is getting up, dh helps but ds is still breastfed and only wants me, he shrieks at his dad and hits at night time if he takes over. Dd is ok with dh but we need to tag team there because she can hurt quite a bit and it gets to you after a while.

Anyway, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m under the weather or what but I’m am incandescent with rage. Poor dh has had to shoulder most of it so far tonight because I just can’t calm down.

I’d like to preface this next awful statement with this, I have never raised a hand to my children (or anyone for that matter) and before tonight would have said I don’t have a violent bone in my body.

But the reason I’ve asked dh to take over is because, god help me, I actually thought about hurting them. Horrific images of holding pillows over them etc. I had to leave the room, I was so angry and was so scared o was thinking things like that.

Sorry, I know this is rambling, I haven’t slept much the last few days. I just wanted to tell someone, I can’t say this to dh, he’d think I was a monster. Should I call someone? I really don’t ever see me hurting them but why was I thinking those things?!

I feel sick.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.
Now you understand why. It makes your brain behave abnormally. It's the worst strain your body can be put under.
If night weaning would mean you and dh could have a full night's sleep on alternate nights could you strive for this?

OP I didn't want to read an run 💐 I think you need to see perhaps about you taking a break even for a few hours just to get away you sound like you are trying so hard but the pressure on you must be huge. Don't be too hard on yourself you didn't hurt them at all but you need a break for everyone's sake.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Be kind to yourself. I think for your own sanity night weaning might help your youngest, is there anyone else (family/friends etc) who could help occasionally at night to give you a bit of respite?

I have no experience of your situation... but just from my own experience... I think you need to google "intrusive thoughts and anxiety", and maybe try "intrusive thoughts and postnatal anxiety"- which will hopefully reassure you that you aren't a bad person- and that this is a sign that you're under. an awful lot of pressure, and may need some support.

FWIW my intrusive thoughts and OCD are much much worse when sleep deprived. And are similarly out of character and horrific.

I really feel for you op......please don't be too hard on yourself.

I have little advice other than can you get some respite on a regular basis?

Please dont feel terrible op. After 7 years of broken sleep with three DD who either co-sleep or wake in the night and stumble in to our room and wake me I know how you feel! No advice really as I too struggle with keeping my cool. Deep breaths and a repetitive mantra of 'its not forever'....

I've felt the same with my two, and they don't have autism. I've felt so angry before that it's scared me.

The point is that you know you wouldn't hurt them, even though you didn't feel it you were in control.

Don't beat yourself up too much, you're stretched to your limit and you had dark thoughts, you didn't act on them, you got your dh to take over, he's perfectly capable! Sleep deprivation takes a huge toll especially with stress, it's definitely time that you start to look after yourself a little, have you thought about talking to your gp about what options you have for yourself not just your dc, bf does limit medications that you can take but there are options and talking through the situation with a professional may take some pressure off. Your hv may have some good advice on coping strategies? Your life isn't easy, and finding a balance is really tough!!

You just need a break. Go for a walk. Ds1 only slept in 45minute stretches for the first 12months of his life. I was on my knees. Sometimes I would have enough and would have to go outside for a bit. Love him to bits but my God it was torture. 10minutes usually was enough to reset me.
Do you get any time for yourself?

Two with ASD, and sleep issues here!
I've been where you have, and you've done the right thing walking away. It's the sleep deprivation making you think like that.
We've come out the other end of those years now, it can get better, honestly. Sometimes you have to ensure they're safe, and leave them to scream for a short time. It's v hard though, and I do hope you have some support in this

Another ASD mum here. You aren't superwoman. Everyone has a limit. You are reaching yours. Be kind to yourself, step away and gather your thoughts. It's monumentally shit and I know how you feel

OP, yanbu. Please gentle with yourself. I had a difficult child with some similar behaviours, though not ASD we definitely had thoughts in that direction. Rage/thoughts like you describe are not uncommon. They can be symptoms of PND, they can also be symptoms of exhaustion. I think you need to take the shame out of it and treat yourself the way you'd treat a close friend asking for advice on this topic. Chat with your GP & DH, you're clearly not a danger to your kids but it does sound like your own health needs taking care of. There's nothing to be ashamed of - you are not a horrible person and this is more common than you think. Hugs to you!

Oh thank you, I’ve never thought anything like that before. I was genuinely terrified that I’d mentally snapped. I can’t explain how reassuring it is to hear I’m not the only one!

I’ve just googled intrusive thoughts and yes it was very much like that. I was so angry and I just couldn’t stop these awful images popping into my head of me hurting them.

Dh is in there right now, ds is awake but not screaming the place down so that’s a plus. While all is quiet I might have a bath or something.

I can still feel the tensions there iykwim, I think I may call the gp tomorrow. I hadn’t considered that.

Dear god, no wonder you're on your knees.

As well as seeing the GP, do you have any outside help, extended family who could give you a break in the daytime? Do they go to nursery?

Sleep deprivation can push you to the very edge, you sound like you're doing an amazing job under an awful lot of pressure. I think the fact that you've come and written down and shared how you feel is very healthy. A bath sounds like a very good idea.

@Loopy

When I was really suffering postnatal anxiety, ultimately in my case, rooted in my own abusive childhood, intrusive thoughts plagued me morning noon and night. And they sickened me. I would never ever ever hurt my son - hes the bright sun in my sky- and yet the thoughts kept coming. Obsessive thoughts about his health. About potential dangers around him. And then this spiralled into worrying that I might randomly one day lose my mind and that I'D be the "thing"that hurt him. Which sounds bonkers written down now, looking back.

Tiredness (I'm a single parent) and isolation (lack of family support) were big factors.

I told my GP, my HV and some trusted friends. All we're supportive and understanding beyond belief.
Psychotherapy has been my saving grace. I'm paying privately but it's worth every penny.

and good luck to you.

This charity may be able to offer some one to one support:

www.thechildrenssleepcharity.org.uk

There is absolutely nothing "wrong" with you. You are at the end of your rope for good reason. You are physically and emotionally exhausted. Others may not agree, but I think you should wean your 2yo immediately. It is a huge physical and emotional toll on you, and he no longer needs your milk for nutrition. You MUST lessen the burden on yourself by any and every means possible. Weaning is the first and best step. I BF two children myself and I know the expenditure it takes. I wish you well.

Use special needs childcare for a few nights (something similar to this for your location www.findababysitter.com/advice/special-needs-childcare), check into a hotel, and catch up on your sleep.

It sounds like you are doing a phenomenal job. I would have broken long ago based on what you're describing.

It is perfectly acceptable to walk away and do the deep breathing thing, and it’s equally acceptable to go into another room and clobber the living daylights out of a pillow.

I think most parents here have experienced the unrelenting beast that is sleep deprivation, so know you’re not alone, and weird as this may sound, powdered magnesium is brilliant for you to take during stressful times.

Oh you poor thing. No advice here, just sympathy and support.

You’re obviously a great mum. Everyone has a breaking point, don’t feel bad if you have reached yours.

It will pass, as you know. But fuck if it isn’t hard when you’re in the thick of it.

You poor thing. You sound like you have had an incredibly challenging time - for four years. Your fear and horror are clear in your post but it's true what others have said, this is the sleep deprivation making your brain think unthinkable thoughts, and despite the mental and physical stress you are enduring, you recognised it for exactly what it is and you maintained your control and composure.

I agree with others. Get help. Speak to your doctors about help for you, and whether there is any further help or respite care you can get for your children. And while obviously it is a very personal decision, I would strongly consider ceasing the breastfeeding as soon as possible. Without the breastfeeding, you can aim for guaranteed chunks of sleep whereby each of you are off duty for a night or something.

Be kind to yourself OP. Best wishes.