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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about summer holidays (after divorce)

18 replies

bananaberyl · 03/01/2018 14:33

Every summer (for the last 8 yrs) my ex & I argue over the summer holidays. We both manage to agree on when we can each take away our DS (19) & DD (16) away but the argument is over when I am allowed to go away with my new DP (without children). I asked ex before Christmas if he is ok with me booking a week away at the end of July and he tells me that he doesn't know yet if he will be in the country or not to look after the kids and therefore I can't book yet. (He hasn't been abroad without them in the last 8 years and is single). He won't make any decision till around May, whereas I need to book my time off work (& DP does too) and we would prefer to book a holiday in the sales or on an offer.

I've told him that my parents are around and the kids can stay there but he just says that it isn't ok and I can't book without his consent. Surely at their ages they are really ok - and DS is at uni and living alone in term time! Obviously it is desirable to have a parent in the country but it is highly likely he will be here, as well as grandparents.

Do I need his consent to take a holiday without my children? The issue to him is that he would therefore then have them ( we have 50/50 custody) and he won't know until May if he can do this.

I feel that we are divorced and it isn't up to him whether or not I go away whenever I want, as long as I make sure the children (young adults) have somewhere/someone responsible on hand.

How do others handle these situations?

OP posts:
bananaberyl · 03/01/2018 14:34

(I have other trips planned with my DS & DD so I'm not in a situation where I'm swanning off with DP and not thinking of them)

OP posts:
Groovee · 03/01/2018 14:35

At 16 and 19, as long as they are trusted and if your parents are nearby, do they really need to be at their dad's? I was hoping next year at those ages, I could leave my 2 at home.

RavingRoo · 03/01/2018 14:35

Your children are adults by any legal definition so there’s no need to clear anything with your ex.

Smoothyloopy · 03/01/2018 14:37

I would just book & let the younger one spend time with your mum, older one is an adult. He's controlling in his behaviour, none of his business when you go away.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 03/01/2018 14:37

Yabu to give your ex the time of day regarding any plans you have without your dc! They are adults effectively!!

CurryWorst · 03/01/2018 14:39

19 and 16? They don't need babysitters, why are you creating arguments for no reason? Just go on holiday.

Fighting about custody of a 19 year old, heard it all now.

LittleOwl153 · 03/01/2018 14:41

Why would you need your ex's consent to book a holiday for you and your partner? Unless your 19yr old has SN - they are an adult and he/indeed you have no legal control! And at 16 i would think the old contact arrangements could not be enforced anymore if he/she says otherwise!
I would say this is simply him trying to control your life. Book your holiday - so long as you have cover for the 16yr old (through your parents if required) he cannot do a thing about it. Your arrangements on your time are nothing to do with him.

Allthewaves · 03/01/2018 14:42

Tell him they are going to your parents but he is welcome to have them if he finds out he's free in may

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/01/2018 14:46

Do you not live in England?

Because if you do he’s not quite understood well anything about anything

DuchessMinnie · 03/01/2018 14:49

I have the same issue with XH- every year he refuses to confirm dates rien changes at the last minute. We find it hard to book anything. Mine are only 8 and 10 though and I was thinking I had "Only" another 8 years of his control left before doing what I want. In your shoes I'd just do what I wanted and leave the children to it.

Oswin · 03/01/2018 14:49

You don't even need to tell him you are going on holiday. Bloody hell how controlling is he. Just stop telling him stuff. Just book your holiday and ignore him.

Pickleypickles · 03/01/2018 14:52

At 16 and 19 they should be deciding where they want to stay not having arranged custody?? Lots of 19 yr olds have houses and there own babies!

ghostyslovesheets · 03/01/2018 14:54

you don't need consent for a holiday - just go!

Glumglowworm · 03/01/2018 14:54

One of them is an adult in every definition! The other is an adult in some definitions and certainly old enough to be left with their 19 year old sibling or your parents for a week.

If the DC are happy, just book your holiday and make arrangements for the younger one to be with an adult, whether that’s your older DC or your parents or a friend or whatever.

bananaberyl · 03/01/2018 14:54

I love you all. Thank you.

Yes, we do live in England!

I was pretty sure that I don't need his permission and that the kids are adults now etc but I try so hard to not rock the boat or cause upset because he is quite angry still (it was my decision to split) so I do try to run things past him if they may cause any changes to our usual plans. I'm sick of it now and have had enough.

I'm off to google holidays Smile

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 03/01/2018 14:55

Does it even matter about the ages? Surely it's perfectly fine for DC to go on holiday or spend a week with your DP, on your contact days, whilst you are on holiday.

I imagine your ex DH would be incensed if you said that the DC could not spend a week at his DP's without his presence....

writingsonthewall · 03/01/2018 14:57

Absolutely just book. At 16 and 19 they don’t need childcare. I would make sure my parents were around in case of emergency and then it is precisely fuck all to do with him.

yorkibar · 03/01/2018 16:21

I would just book it and go! My exH refuses to look after our DD for a week so me and new DH can not go away on our own but she is only 11 and my parents live in another country. If she could stay with grandparents I would go away and it would have nothing to do with him! Incidentally he has a week away abroad just him and OW every year

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