To be furious with DH over party

[SilverBirchTree]

Been with DH for over 4 years and currently in the middle of our first ever fight.

We have 3 month old DS and it’s been a rocky few months. Massive trouble breast feeding, and health scares with the baby including an ER visit. In the same period of time we moved house and we now live in an area that is completely new to me and 30-45 minutes drive from family.

I have been looking forward to having him baptised. I was so worried and unwell myself at the time of his birth, so missed the initial joyful ‘the baby is here’ time. I saw his baptism as the event for me to quietly celebrate my beautiful baby and how far he’s come.

My mother lives down the street from our family church. We’ve had family weddings, funerals, baptisms there for decades. Mum offered to organise the baptism then serve tea and cake at her house afterwards. Perfect.

DH said no. He wanted the baptism to take place in our new community. He made a little speech about how we’re adults and we need to throw our own events, how his parents shouldn’t have to drive so far to get to it etc. He said he’d do most of the work. I very very reluctantly agreed to have it in our new area and host our parents and siblings at our new home.

Once it was booked DH tells me that actually he needs to invite all his aunts, uncles and cousins. A week later he says that tea and cake isn’t enough- it has to be a cooked lunch. And his grandparents are too old to eat on their laps so it has to be a sit down lunch. Plastic cups are no good, we have to rent glasses etc etc etc. meanwhile he has done sweet FA to make it happen. I even had to repeatedly remind him to tell his grandparents the time.

Then at Christmas he took to bed with a migraine. The reason - he is so stressed about the party, he won’t be able to ‘help’ anymore. It’s up to me. Oh, but his mother (a whole other story) will ‘help’ instead.

I’ve spent the week beside myself with stress (made worse by Baby induced lack of sleep). I am furious that he insisted we turn down my mum’s offer to host and then left me high and dry with his family’s demands and the mental load of trying to please them all.

Today I finally cracked and accused him ruining something that was important to me. We had a full argument with raised voices and me crying. He continued to spout his views about hosting our own events like a broken record, seemingly not caring that I’m the one doing to heavy lifting to meet his directives.

He’s now off sulking and probably texting his mother about how mean I am.

AIBU? Any advice on what to do now? I’m new to arguing with a spouse and not sure what happens when neither party is willing to apologise.

Yeah the nuggets thing is a classic MIL statement. She needs to assert at every step that Her family values will prevail, not my new fangled interloper values.

She is also worried that her son isn’t getting enough meat in his diet. because nuggets are so nutritious.

Your mum sounds great.

I think you are handling this well, under the circumstances, though I would be having a VERY stern conversation with DH once it is all over. He may have meant well, but he cocked up badly and has let you down. Make sure he knows that this is the first time and the last time that you will rescue things in this way. Next time you will either just run with your mum's simpler plans or you will simply let him fail and look like a twat in front of the extended family. Tell him that bluntly.

His plan was far too grandiose. Keeping it simple nearly always works best, especially if you are inexperienced. It sounds almost as if he thought he was organising a large wedding. I'd have been furious too.

Well done for taking and following the good advice you have had regarding the catering.

I don't think anyone would expect sit down meal after a christening laid on by first time parents of a 4 month old ?

It's utterly normal to have sandwiches and tea and cake unless perhaps the grandparents are the queen and prince philip. Even then actually. Where did he get his grandiose ideas?

Karala I agree, I recently went to a Baptism with a party afterwards at a posh hotel (too posh for me to use before but was interesting to have a look round, not that I'm nosy) and it was sandwiches, quiche, sausages on sticks and cake, tea and coffee with a bar open. I don't think anyone will be expecting a sit down meal.

I am very relieved about the cake

I really hope you manage to relax and enjoy the baptism, it's obviously an event that means a lot to you, and I hope you have a fantastic time with the people you love.

Your DH is being totally out of order. You must remember this for the future and remember that he changes goalposts. You cannot trust his promises of how things will be or help offered. In the future you decide how events, your kids parties will be run and book everything to your liking/satisfaction and cut him out of the process. Tell him what the arrangements are once they are booked. If he complains, he can book extra events but you are not involved in the organising. You also say “you ruined the christening. Your promises of help etc did not materialise and until you can be trusted not to bail and leave it all to me then this is how it goes. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but feel free to organise an additional event. Let me know the details when organised” if you don’t put your foot down very sternly with his rubbish right now then your life is going to be a constant headache. If I was you, I’d cancel all of his arrangements and hand over back to your Mum and her plans. Message everybody and say briefly that plans are changing due to organisational issues and a new date will be sent shortly. Any protestations from your DH should be met with stoney looks and a firm “you said you were doing everything. You’re not. So you need to butt out or this marriage will quickly disappear. If you don’t like the new plans that are 100% easier for me then you are not obliged to attend”

It's interesting that the "rescuers" on this thread are all women - the OP, her mother and MIL.
I suspect one reason that you haven't rowed before OP is that pre-DC your DH was centre of attention and largely got his own way, and is now a tad jealous?

It sounds to me as if his mum has moaned about not being involved enough.

I can see his point about it being at the church where you now live & organising it yourselves.

Except he has really let you down on the organising.

Well he handed it over to you & so you have now (re)organised it as you wish-without his mum.

Fine, as he handed it back to you.

Your mum sounds great, hope it all goes well for you.

How can the migraine be stress-induced? I refuse to believe that he runs a whole division of his company without ever encountering stress, so how come he's not permanently incapacitated? And it's not even as if he'd actually done anything in terms of starting to organise things. Assuming it was a real migraine at all, I would suggest taking a robust attitude that it was purely coincidental and he has to start pulling his weight immediately.

It could however provide you with the perfect excuse for refusing to go along with any similar ideas in future. A big sit-down family meal for DC's 1st birthday? Oh dear, I couldn't possibly impose that on you, DH, you might get a migraine.

You need to check what sweet his mother is bringing, otherwise it'll be something made with non-vegetarian gelatine.

It sounds as though you have two babies at home - DS and DH! You need to remember this behaviour and lack of reliability the next time he tries to overrule your plans. I would be beyond furious if DH tried to impose such a plan and then took to his bed with a fit of the vapours!

Years ago DD2 was Christened the week before Christmas and I just ordered in food: sandwich platter, cheeseboard and crackers, platter of cookies and cakes, fruit platter and the christening cake (plus tea, coffee, soft drinks, wine and beer). I don't think people expect a huge sit down dinner after a Christening.Most only came back for a couple of hours. Also many people are going to be a bit "partied out" at this time of year so I would keep it very simple and manageable so that you can enjoy the day as well.

In the future you decide how events, your kids parties will be run and book everything to your liking/satisfaction and cut him out of the process

Nooooooooo!!! This is what they want to happen!

Doing one thing after another so badly that the women in their lives think "DH can't be trusted to organise a cheese toasty, let alone the kid's birthday/Christmas/our twentieth wedding anniversary/his own arse into his trousers. I suppose I'd better do it for him and not even bother asking for help" will suit him very well indeed.

Text your MIL the night before the christening to say 'good job we decided against the chicken nuggets, the oven's stopped working!' just in case she decides to bring them anyway. You could always switch it off at the wall or remove a fuse as cover on the day.

Yes, I would head MIL off as per Buttery's suggestion.

If she is that desperate to have chicken nuggets she can cook them in her own oven the night before and they can be served as cold meat on the day.

We just did massive pot of veg soup with crusty bread. Plastic everything and cake for dessert

We didn't have christenings just small welcome party in the garden when both ours about 2-4 months invited family only ie siblings, parents and aunts and uncles who could be bothered fine if they didn't want to. Remember it being lovely and I didn't really do anything DH and mum made some cakes and we had a pot of tea.

He's had a week long migraine? What a dick. Nope, he never had any attention of organising anything. I'd have cancelled the entire party the second he announced his migraine. 'What a pity, you're too ill to organise. I'll let everyone know.' Of course he wants you away from your family, so you can kowtow to him from now on. This is your wake up call. Go back to work, and not part-time. Tell your MIL to sling it. 'The menu's changed.' I'd order all veggie myself. As for your h and his sulking, tell him sulking is what kids do and you're ready to talk when he's ready to grow the fuck up.

silver I have read up to your post....

My mum just texted suggesting we order white cake with blue writing that reads:

‘Now eat this then fuck off’

And wish to say that your dm is fab, tell her please that a totally random person that you have never met wants to give her a hug

for you and for your dh

"Once it was booked DH tells me that actually he needs to invite all his aunts, uncles and cousins. A week later he says that tea and cake isn’t enough- it has to be a cooked lunch. And his grandparents are too old to eat on their laps so it has to be a sit down lunch. Plastic cups are no good, we have to rent glasses etc etc etc."

It sounds very likely that the latter changes were inspired / insisted on by your MIL. Men's relationships with their Mothers are complex and difficult. However they are likely to need discussing at some point in any healthy relationship, as the relative status of the partner and Mother need to be clarified, e.g. Partner's wishes are more important than MILs.

This is not easy, particularly if you are very different to your MIL. Remind your husband that he chose to marry you, not a clone of his Mum, so the way you all do things as a family cannot be dictated by her. Best to have this conversation after the party, which it sounds like you are doing a great job in organising at the last minute.

NB I disagree with people that say you should 'never' discuss or criticise your partner with others. Sometimes it is inevitable and can be helpful - friends have helped me understand my husband's point of view in the past, or suggested ways to get through to him. It is best not to fall into the habit of moaning about them routinely though I guess.

I feel for you OP. This is a bug bear of mine, someone trying to take over something which you could have easily done yourself then they can't be bothered half way through leaving you with lose ends to tie up. I would be raging x

Interesting that the party he arranged is far too stressful for him to manage so he's just going to let it drop and force you to take over this stressful task. Idiot.

Good point about heading off MIL and her nugget tray. I’ll tell her the oven is going to be occupied. I know she’ll do something else to show that she calls the shots over me, but at least it won’t involve me cleaning up oily bread crumbs.

It's too late to cancel now, but I'd be having serious words with your DH on Monday to point out where things went wrong and what needs to happen in future.

In terms of Sunday, though, have you thought about asking the Church whether you could use the church hall for the party? They would probably have catering-size teapots, hot water boilers etc. You may also not need to fully tidy, as they might have a cleaner who does that (you'd probably have to leave it in a reasonable state, but the cleaner would empty bins, sweep the floor etc).

Tell her very specifically what to bring - a dessert. If she deviates from this make a fuss over how there is no dessert and what a shame that us that MIL was supposed to bring it, blah blah. We'll just gave to gave cake but we were hoping to serve that later as it's not really enough for a 'good' dessert is it.

How near do your in laws live? Close enough to cook at home and bring hot food?

Right, your DH decided that this party was going to be his way or the high way.

What you are doing now is organising the whole thing because the precious snowflake can't cope with the added stress that HE created. You have enough to be doing given that you had a difficult time post birth and are now dealing with sleepless nights with a small baby. You are setting a precedent that he can just throw a hissy fit and you'll pick up the pieces.

What I would do is this - tell him that he is to organise it, you are having nothing to do with the party afterwards. You said that the baptism was the most important. So you can tell him that unless he steps up and organises the party, then the party is off. If you like, you can have your parents and the godmother / godfather at your house after for tea and cake but nobody else.

But you really need to make a stand on this. He has majorly fucked this up and if people ask why, just tell them that DH said he was organising it when you had already made arrangements and then he got a migraine. And tell him that you will not be having all these people at your house because who will end up tidying all the mess? You.