To be furious with DH over party

[SilverBirchTree]

Been with DH for over 4 years and currently in the middle of our first ever fight.

We have 3 month old DS and it’s been a rocky few months. Massive trouble breast feeding, and health scares with the baby including an ER visit. In the same period of time we moved house and we now live in an area that is completely new to me and 30-45 minutes drive from family.

I have been looking forward to having him baptised. I was so worried and unwell myself at the time of his birth, so missed the initial joyful ‘the baby is here’ time. I saw his baptism as the event for me to quietly celebrate my beautiful baby and how far he’s come.

My mother lives down the street from our family church. We’ve had family weddings, funerals, baptisms there for decades. Mum offered to organise the baptism then serve tea and cake at her house afterwards. Perfect.

DH said no. He wanted the baptism to take place in our new community. He made a little speech about how we’re adults and we need to throw our own events, how his parents shouldn’t have to drive so far to get to it etc. He said he’d do most of the work. I very very reluctantly agreed to have it in our new area and host our parents and siblings at our new home.

Once it was booked DH tells me that actually he needs to invite all his aunts, uncles and cousins. A week later he says that tea and cake isn’t enough- it has to be a cooked lunch. And his grandparents are too old to eat on their laps so it has to be a sit down lunch. Plastic cups are no good, we have to rent glasses etc etc etc. meanwhile he has done sweet FA to make it happen. I even had to repeatedly remind him to tell his grandparents the time.

Then at Christmas he took to bed with a migraine. The reason - he is so stressed about the party, he won’t be able to ‘help’ anymore. It’s up to me. Oh, but his mother (a whole other story) will ‘help’ instead.

I’ve spent the week beside myself with stress (made worse by Baby induced lack of sleep). I am furious that he insisted we turn down my mum’s offer to host and then left me high and dry with his family’s demands and the mental load of trying to please them all.

Today I finally cracked and accused him ruining something that was important to me. We had a full argument with raised voices and me crying. He continued to spout his views about hosting our own events like a broken record, seemingly not caring that I’m the one doing to heavy lifting to meet his directives.

He’s now off sulking and probably texting his mother about how mean I am.

AIBU? Any advice on what to do now? I’m new to arguing with a spouse and not sure what happens when neither party is willing to apologise.

Your dh sounds like an idiot. I personally would leave him to crack on with it - if he wants to organise the event let him and if it’s shit ensure his family knows it was all him.

Personally I would let your dm host, send out invites to his relatives and leave it at that. If he doesn't show then he is being a man child. And if his family don't show it's because they raised a man child and are ashamed. Don't let him drag you down, the whole point is to celebrate your ds, not how well you can host a hundred bloody relations!

YANBU. I’m genuinely shocked at your husband’s behaviour. You’re the one caring for a tiny newborn. Put your foot down and move the whole event back to your family church, with your mum catering. Your husband will thank you in the future. It sounds like he’s worked himself up into a frenzy about it and isn’t behaving rationally.

My advice would be tell him to stick it. If he can't carry through with the extra work he brought on, then he should cancel the party.

You DO NOT need to please his family. This is about the 2 of you and your child.

Your DH has been totally unreasonable and quite pathetic. I would advise that he books a nice restaurant and pays for thr whole thing himself.

Is there time to go back to the original plan?

Yeah leave him to it. He sounds like hard work!

cancel the party now.

go for a walk, take some time. Then when you have all calmed down, sit down together and talk.

Talk to him, and say it is all too much, he has found it too much and you can't take it on on top of baby stuff.

Offer some suggestions
eg
you go ahead with baptism, but no tea afterwards
you ask a local cafe to serve tea and sanwiches and pay for it all to be done there, not at your house
you revert to original plan at your mothers
you offer to do it, but it will be on your terms, then order sanwiches and cake for an on-line delivery along with paper plates etc

what is NOT on offer is a full on lunch party at your place.

I do kind of see what he is saying about you as a new family doing your own thing, not doing it at your parents, but if he wants you all to do it together, then you have to do it as a team, and he isn't doing that.

Your DH is claiming that he wants to be an adult, then behaving like a child.

You should have let the event fail, and then had your mother organise a second one. Sometimes the most effective way forward is to allow someone to fail, comprehensively and publicly.

Oh wow, I was kind of siding with your husband at the start, fair enough if he wants you all to make your own traditions in your new community I get that but turning it into a massive event that he wanted and then expecting you to organise the whole thing, no fucking way. You say this is your first fight in 4 years, well make sure you start as you mean to go on now, don't you organise anything, don't allow him to do that to you, you're not a doormat or the hired help

What a dick. Tell him you don't recall giving birth to twins and to grow up!

Your initial plan was perfect! Go back to this if you can!
Listen, sometimes you've got to draw fangs and fight your corner. I'm impressed that your first fight took four years! I'll never forget my first huge row with DH... when DD was about 2 months old.

You'll get through this turbulent patch. You really will.
But your DH, wonderful guy he is I'm sure, is being a moron. I'd start over with the planning. Keep it small and simple, seriously. You can eve rent the church hall if that makes things easier.

Normally I would echo @RavingRoo, however, this is important to you in a different way.
Since he has now left the organising to you, can you revert to your original plan?
Making new traditions as a family is important, he’s right, but it’s also nice to hold some long family traditions too.
How much further will his parents have to travel? And is there anything you can do to make yhat easier?

I would say something like,
since dh has been ill over Xmas & unable to finalise things, we thought that instead we’d keep it simple - please join us at x church for baby’s christening, and afterwards for light refreshments at mum’s house (address)

Perhaps contact his mother & ask if they have any family christening traditions eg a gown that you could include.

Afterwards go for some relationship counselling?

Now that you have let off steam calmly sit down and explain what you've said here that this was supposed to be a special occasion and him offering to sort it was a wonderful thing but as that isn't what is happening he has two choices
Do what he said he would do
Or
Your mum do it
Give him him a deadline to think about it and then leave him to it
If he decides that he is doing it let the family know

I would go back to the original plan.

DM hosts tea and cake at the church near hers.

Cancel.

Would love to call it all off but it’s this weekend. Also my sister moves overseas for work in a fortnight and she is the godmother, so some pressure to do it now.

It would be great if his family saw a bad party as a reflection on him, but I think people still blame the wife over these things.

Order a bunch of sandwiches and get a stack of paper plates: done!

I think it's an acceptable compromise to step up and make sure the event happens now that he's incapacitated himself. You did agree to that much at least, that it would happen in your new location.

But afraid he needs to learn that when disaster strikes and you're shot down with a migraine mid-party-planning, the very most you can ask for is that the party still happens. You don't get to demand the perfect vision you had pre-migraine of sit-down meal and hired glasses, and certainly not when the one saving your bacon is the new mother of a tiny baby.

Get some fancy biscuits in as well as the sarnies; bit of luxury, that'll cheer him right up

Oh his parents would have had to drive for about 30 minutes. They are both young, able bodied and often get in their fancy car and drive just for the fun of driving.

I really think that’s a nonsense argument on his part.

Go back to plan A.

Tell him if he wants to be in charge of his own events then he has to organise them properly, see it through, and not take to his bed with a migraine like a 19th c invalid.

I too thought you were being unreasonable to start with, by the end of your post I would feel like smashing your dh over the head with a spade.
Either he does the whole as planned, or you cancel and tell him never, ever to offer to do something again then acknowledge out of it.
Unhelpful but my ex was like this. Always inviting people round, promising that he would do all the work, then not, leaving me to run around like a lunatic.

Not he is my ex.

Let. It. Break. Let it be a total disaster. Do NOT help. This is NOT your responsibility.

Then have your Mum organise a second occasion that runs properly to ram the point home.

It sounds like in general you have a positive relationship and this may be one baby stress induced blip on his part. I think make the best of it for now and chalk it up to how to deal with future suggestions from him of this sort. Hope you can enjoy it and congratulations

Call your mum and ask for her help. His mum can help him if she likes. Your mum will come and help you.

Then relationship counselling. He isn’t listening to you. A mediator will help.

I can actually see his point about being independent, but he’s backed himself and you into a corner and then refused to finish the job he insisted you do. That’s not the act of an independent adult.

I should say that DH is a good person, a great dad, and usually very rational.

That’s why I don’t know how to deal with him when he is like this, it’s a rare occurrence. Thank god!!

for those saying let is break.

It is the OP who wants this, and it is important to her. While dh is being awful, why should OP miss out on the celebration she wanted?

Ok, this weekend, time is short.

email relatives and say dh has been ill and not able to organise a lunch, so we are having sanwhiches and cake. Order it tonight in an on-line order with the disposable plates etc. Then phone your mum and ask for help. Ask if she can come round and help you tidy/clean up and set up the room, ask if she will serve tea on the day.

On the day have a moment where you raise a toast/say thank you and give all the thanks to your mum.

Then next week, you and dh need a long talk.