To say it's not my fault ex has barely seen the dc this holiday and not change my plans so he can fit them in?

[flythewindmill]

We share custody about 70/30 to me - he often says he wants more but in practice quite often cancels or cuts his time with them short to accommodate hobbies/working from home/visiting friends from abroad/helping out in a friend's bar. I have family who live three hours away and always visit them over Christmas - we did this while were married and I have done it for the 5 years since.

This year he picked them up on their last school day (22nd) and kept them for half of the following day. He could have had them until Xmas Eve morning, but had agreed to work his friend's bar for beer money. He took them to his Mum's on Boxing Day and planned to bring them back the following day, but stayed an extra day due to snow. He dropped them off on the 27th and nothing was said about when he would have them again. It's always me who arranged everything and instigates every conversation about plans, so I said nothing, assuming he'd be in touch.

I've heard nothing and am taking the dc to my family tomorrow overnight. So I messaged him this morning to ask if he would like to have them Friday - Sunday. He replied no as he has plans for Friday and Saturday so he suggested having them tomorrow, back to mine Friday lunchtime and then he will pick up 'when he's back' on Sunday for whatever is left of that day. I then told him my plans, which I am pretty sure I told him about back in October when it was arranged and he is livid. Apparently I am keeping him from the dc and should have mentioned it all to remind him when he dropped them off last week.

I think HIBU because:

1. It's not my job to endlessly remind him of things he already knows.
2. He has not been in the least bit proactive about seeing them over the holiday - if he knew his availability was limited why didn't he double-check with me that they would be available then - preferably before making his plans.
3. I don't like having scrappy bits of time with them and would especially hate the waiting on Sunday for him to arrive - and this bit is still likely to occur.
4. He pays no maintenance - not really relevant, but hey...
5. He's a knob.

AIBU?

Yanbu to stop micro managing his time because he is a fuckwit..
Leave 2018 to him to sort.

YANBU. Not your partner, not your mental load anymore (or ever should have been...)

If he can't organise his diary sufficiently in advance and remember his committments, not your problem.

YANBU. Your Ex needs to learn to plan things properly and if he's unable then he'll see less of his DCs.

You seem to have forgotten that we aren't married any more, therefore it isn't my job to organise and make arrangements for you. It's your responsibility to let me know when you want to see the kids and leaving it so late means that there are going to be times when I have already made plans. The only thing "keeping you" from seeing the children is your own disorganisation.

YANBU. Not your job to keep giving him reminders or change your plans last minute to suit him.

There was a thread with a similar theme recently. What is it with these men thinking it’s their ex’s job to organise their life for them?

Give dates for things once and only once. Up to him to do the rest.

Yanbu. I started off trying to be flexible for my ex and then just realised he was massively and continually taking advantage of me (while still being abusive to me and about me...)
I eventually put my foot down and basically said he has them on his allocated days or misses out. I finally feel like I have control of my life. Admittedly I still feel “on call” for tomes when he’s meant to have them, but I at least know there are times when I will definitely have them

Make a schedule, tell him to review it, and stick to that. Your life doesn’t need to be out on hold to accomodate his life- there should be a mutual agreement with some stability. Neither of you should have it all your own way, but an equal time spent and he ability to make plans.

I’d sent a message remaining him that my life does not work around his social and work life and that I’m I don’t micro manage his life!!!

Oh dear, wife work when you are not his wife. Dick head.

Had exactly the same problem so took drastic action s few years back.

I now produce s spreadsheet twice a year with every date and pick up time colour coded.

I email it to him and state that if I don't hear back by x time on x date I presume he agrees.

So yes am still organizing him but it works in that he never replies to the emails and keeps to the schedule.

He truly is too useless to organize himself.
But by me doing it months in advance I took back control and to be fair he seems to like it and keeps to it.