AIBU NOT TO EVER COOK FOR DH ......

[QueenieBae123]

Long post so i dont drip feed,

Married 13 yrs with dc 4 & 8. So clearly was married for 5 years b4 dc came along. Dh was all i had to take care of. Always worked full time so does DH. I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry and anything else you can think of. DH is self employed and works hard (long hrs) makes good money in season but enough to last him when there is less work. My income is steady. We share bills half way.

He has less work in winter so lately, doing most sch runs, i would finish work come home cook for kids, do homework and get uniforms ready for next day.

Got so tired lately, with him sitting catching up with the box and web, house is big tip. So I would just come in and cook smthing quick for kids make myself a salad and put my feet up. DH sat while am doing this. If i happen to make a proper meal, i would plate his and give it to him while he is sat down. Only not feed him when am feeding kids sandwich or frozen pizza as i feel if he was hungry he could have made one for himself.

When we see freinds or family, he would complain that i dont feed him at all., I had freinds over for xmas dinner. Cooked plenty to last a week for the 2 families. Everybody came to take what they wanted to eat, aksed him to do so, he replied " any other day i dont get fed, you are only feeding me because theres people about". Politely, went in the kitchen, put what he likes in a plate took it to him, still sat on sofa and he refused it.

The following 2 to 3 days, me and the kids been eating left overs, i have not offered him any. Everytime he grumbles that i am still not feeding him. Sometimes he eats beans on toast/egg san/or he orders pizza. He will give kids pizza even if i have fed them already but i dont ask for any and he does not offer any.

2 days ago, he was canny, made me cup of tea, we are talking as normal not just about food. When i made my dinner and the kids dinner, he said " oh none for me then", he must have expected it. so I said " is this some kind of a joke how am i suppose to know when you are going to eat my dinner or not". And i just carried on eating my dinner.

I still havent cooked for him since xmas, and i dont feel guilty at all for doing this as i felt disrespected when he refused my xmas dinner. Mind, i invited his family for xmas eve, made finger food bouffet for them. He grumbled his usual, but ate with everyone. My thinking is that as we had my freinds on xmas day, he wanted to show me up.

....So WIBU not to cook for him ever again, as I am seriously thinking that i should.?

Bloody hell. This is not the 1950s. Why are you doing so much around the house? I would go on strike and only do your own cooking, laundry etc.

Why the fuck doesn't HE cook for everyone or do any housework?

That’s a seriously weird way of doing things. Not to be rude, but not how it would happen in a million years in our house.

But we don’t have separate meals, one of us is cooking, we’re cooking for all of us.

That's a very odd set up.

As he is acting like a small child give him mini pizzas and smiley faced potatoes....
You anbu OP,not at all,you do too much.sit down with him and divide the work,you can't carry on doing so much x

Everything about this is odd. Why don’t you two just talk to each other about it? (And why doesn’t he cook?!)

everything about your OP sounds odd to me.

Have you EVER sat down and had a conversation about this?

even if the conversation was - I am not cooking for you any more, as you don't help enough around the house?

He should be doing half of the household chores. I would not cook for him either! He watches tv and goes on the net in his free time whilst you do everything else! I couldn’t stand that !

You two need to talk properly and stop this point scoring and childish behaviour. Draw a line under it and renegotiate division of labour in your household.
Person at home more, should be doing more domestic work. If you cook, he washes up. However you divvy it up, it has to be fair. Your current system is just building resentment and turning your husband into a lazy teen.

Rather than not cooking, could you maybe just talk to him?

Agree with plate.
Why you didn't sort this out between you before dc even came along, I don't know. However, you have a problem now. Adults would confront that problem - you know - talk about it. Not behave in such a ridiculous manner.
You are being ridiculous.

Sounds really childish to be honest. You're obviously just point scoring off each other - I so could not be arsed.

I don't understand how if you were feeding the kids & yourself you wouldn't have some sort of conversation as to what he would be eating & when.

Agree that if he's at home during the day he could be doing more around the house but if you're coming back & cooking for the kids anyway I don't see how you wouldn't over him something.

What does he do for you?

Not much by the sound of it.

Tbh it sounds like a bit of a strange set up. Can you not make one meal for all, or will he not eat what the DC are eating, or what your eating? You're right that it shouldn't be down to you to cook (and clean etc) all the time but if I was sorting dinner for me and the DC I would offer DH a plate too. Maybe he would be more reasonable if you done this?

I am house proud, house work was causing so many arguments, me doing them means we dont talk about them. ...and he is lazy at home, ( He works hard at work), if i did not pick up his laundry the whole house would be covered in them. I dont want to go back to arguing about house work, because i know nothing will change😢😢😢sad but truth.

This is not sustainable OP. But this I mean the poor communication and passive aggressive bevahiour in your marriage. Have a long discussion with your DH and talk about how you feel about all of these matters. MN is full of unhappily married people, you don’t need to be one of them.

How long are you going to let this anger and resentment fester, OP? The atmosphere must be terrible.

Talk about it calmly and objectively like adults.

Sorry but this is ridiculous, you both need to act like grown ups and have a proper conversation. If you don't it will only get worse & eventually the atmosphere at home will start to affect your kids.

So you pay 50% of the bills and do 100% of the housework.

Mr 'works hard' sits on his bum for his quiet period but no doubt earns more £ per hour in his busy times. So sees himself as working hard. Yet you pay 50%.

Work out how much free time you vs he got in December. How much sitting on bum time you both get each year.

I'm guessing he thinks he is too important to cook, clean his pants and the toilet.

In his sexist world, he does no housework. But should be doing 100% of the WOH. And contributing 100% of the family income.

In a house where you contribute 50% of the money, he should contribute 50% of the housework.

Tell him to pick one.

He works hard at work

So does everyone, but most people still manage to do some housework. Stop making up excuses for his behaviour. He should be contributing, especially when he had downtime!

What a bizarre arrangement wrt mealtimes - in my house one person cooks a meal for the whole family to eat usually together at a table unless one of us is out/working late.

You also need to take a serious look at the household setup this isn't the 1950's if you both work full time then you share equally household chores and if one is working less at any point they pick up the slack/Cook/take on more Childcare/do the food shopping - anything to make their partner's life that bit easier whilst theirs is too. Sadly can't imagine your selfish arse of a husband to even consider that

me doing them means we dont talk about them
It seems you don’t talk about lots!

If you want to do the laundry etc all by yourself then fine - if that’s what you really want.

But you can still talk about the cooking situation. And he can still cook.

(Although, to add to my post, I don’t think it is what you really want.)