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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Ooh when are you getting married then?"

23 replies

CurlyRover · 02/01/2018 15:47

DP and I are buying a house together. Several times since people have found this out I've been asked the question "ooh when are you getting married then" and a seeming refusal to drop it when I say we're not.

AIBU to think this is just downright rude?

We would like to get married at some point but not yet and the sorts of people making these comments are not the sorts of people we'd involve in any future wedding planning. Maybe I'm just being grumpy but to me it just comes across as rude and intrusive. I felt particularly annoyed by a colleague just now although I tried to just laugh it off. We were discussing summer holidays and I said I probably wouldn't be going anywhere exciting this year because our mortgage has just come through etc, cue the when are you getting married, why not comments.

AIBU or are they?

OP posts:

MoKnickers · 02/01/2018 15:49

It’s just what people assume. No biggie. Just say “We’re not”.

Meepmoop · 02/01/2018 15:50

Sadly that seems to what everyone does. Get a house it's when will you be getting married. When you get married it's when will you have a baby. Then it's when's the next one until you have many and they say oh your not having another one are you

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 15:51

Why is it rude? Marriage isn't private. It's not like having children, which can be beyond your control. Nor does it seem unreasonable to wonder if two people who are buying a house together are making a long-term commitment.

Asking "why" when you say "we're not" would be rude. But asking about marriage? I'd say not.

LoganEchollsWife · 02/01/2018 15:56

This seems weird to me. DP and I bought a house last year, not one person asked us when we are getting married even though we are very much at the age/stage in our relationship for it to be the logical 'next step.'

Original poster

CurlyRover · 02/01/2018 15:58

barbarian everyone who's passed comment has asked why not when I've said we're not.

It's not the asking that bothers me as much although we are a deeply private couple, it's the why not and the resistance to let it go.

Also buying a house to us is making a long term commitment.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 16:02

OK then, yes they are being rude to ask why you are not getting married.

I can see why you'd think buying a house is a long-term commitment but it really isn't.

nousername123 · 02/01/2018 16:06

Unfortunately people think it's their god given right to be nosey and to keep prying. I would be annoyed. Just say you don't want to yet and if they ask why not just say "was I unclear the first time I answered" sometimes I think you have to be a bit shitty with people before they get the hint x

Ashamedandblamed · 02/01/2018 16:11

I can see why you'd think buying a house is a long-term commitment but it really isn't.

No making a home with someone & committing to repay the home over 25 years isn't commitment at all.

TheQueenOfWands · 02/01/2018 16:12

They're being weird and outdated.

I've been married. It's not a commitment, it's really easy to undo and walk away. Few pieces of paper and it's undone.

Maybe many years ago when getting a divorce was hard/impossible but not any more.

Buying a house is a bigger commitment. Loving each other, trusting each other and being best friends is bigger still.

DandelionAndBedrock · 02/01/2018 16:15

DP and I had this a bit. He used to say "actually, I think it would be easier to get out of a mortgage than a marriage, but too late now!" People would look awkward and change the topic .

You just have to brazen it out, I think. As soon as you're engaged there will be people asking you about children, in my experience.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 16:16

Original poster

CurlyRover · 02/01/2018 16:19

I can understand why you'd take that view barbarian but given that DP has been married before and I've been engaged before, to us buying our first house together means a lot more.

Normally when people ask about DC I just tell them 6 year old DSD is enough to put me off at the moment (she's lovely and she doesn't put me off but that response normally shuts them up)

OP posts:

florascotianew · 02/01/2018 16:28

OP, I agree that it does sound personally very intrusive. However, while some of the questioners might just be nosy, others might be thinking about situations such as those mentioned frequently on Mumsnet, where couples live together and sometimes have children without making careful legal arrangements to protect the financial security of all concerned. Civil marriage is generally reckoned to the cheapest, simplest and most reliable way of achieving this.

I'm not for one moment suggesting that you haven't made all the necessary legal arrangements to protect your own share of the house and any other of your financial interests for the future. Many women do. But, alas, a surprising number of women still do not.

Snowdrop18 · 02/01/2018 16:28

Barbarian "Marriage isn't private."

isn't it? Why isn't it? We've often said if we get married we will just do it and not tell anyone. I suppose there'll be forms to fill in etc but you don't have to tell everyone if you are getting married.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 16:36

I suppose some people might get married and tell no-one snowdrop but I don't think it's very common (obviously one wouldn't know). I know people keep their weddings private but they didn't claim to be single afterwards if the subject came up (and it does from time to time).

TheQueenOfWands · 02/01/2018 16:43

But if the OP gets married in secret and keeps it secret she still has to fend off The Nosies.

scrabbler3 · 02/01/2018 16:50

I can understand people being concerned about a friend foolishly getting pregnant and putting their career on the back burner without the security of marriage, but you're not doing that, so it seems odd and old-fashioned that they're asking.

Maybe they suspect that he's not in it for the long haul and are cackhandedly trying to warn you.

It's an impertinent question, really. Maybe ask them why they want to know.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 02/01/2018 18:00

We've discussed getting married within the next 18 months or so but we've not told anyone and tbh even if we booked something tomorrow there's not many people we'd tell until after the fact. I just don't see how it's anyone else's business really.

OP posts:

YearOfYouRemember · 02/01/2018 18:25

Then don't complain if you announce an engagement, marriage, baby and no one is bothered..

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 18:25

Well on one level it isn't. On another level we are animals who facilitate living socially by building networks of relationships and social interaction who use the exchange of information to distinguish and reinforce different levels of societal interaction and interpersonal relationship.

So really it's just biology.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 02/01/2018 19:22

Then don't complain if you announce an engagement, marriage, baby and no one is bothered..

I wouldn't. Not everyone would yearofyou

That makes sense barbarian

OP posts:

StickThatInYourPipe · 02/01/2018 19:30

OP I hate this! YADNBU at all!

It’s so awkward - why hasn’t he proposed yet? When is he going to get a ring? I’ll have a word with him! Bollocks

We bought our house and now when people go on and on, dp says ‘I already bought her a house, I’m not forking our for a ring too’ it makes people really uncomfortable and drop he subject pretty quickly. (Btw he is joking completely and doesn’t see things like this at all, he just got so bored of the continuous questions)

In reality we are not really that interested in marriage, I’m sure we will when when we have dcs but there’s no real need at the moment. We own the house 50/50 legally and put equal amounts in to the deposit. Also we both have wills etc, legally everything is very equal

JuniUmiZoomi · 02/01/2018 21:03

I always say 'I haven't met someone I want to marry yet'.

Total tumbleweed moment after a mortgage, two cats and two kids!

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