AIBU to not go and visit my dying stepdad?

[Feralhobbit]

Apologies for the long post but there is a bit of background to this and I will try & keep it short.
My dm & ds-d have not spoken to me for 10 years + They have pretty much disowned me & my sister.
Growing up was pretty miserable- my ds-d was a difficult man & both him & dm are extremely selfish people who made us feel like we were an inconvenience.
When my d-sd was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago we found out 3rd hand from my Uncle (dm bil). We told my step brother (he equally has a strained relationship with his dd) as we thought he should know. My dm then kicked up a fuss saying she would’ve had told us etc etc (the diagnosis had been made some months before). Both my dsis & I have offered support/help but it was thrown back in our faces (pretty much cut out of family).
So roll on a couple of years ds-d collapsed Xmas Eve and has been in hospital since. My step brother went up to visit last week & wasn’t sure what was going on (consultants away etc). Since his return my Aunt received a distressed callfrom dm saying ds-d has only a week to live. She gave strict instructions that us girls are not to be told. This had followed a shitty text msg from her to my dsis a couple of days before (when we only knew he was in hospital from my step brother) saying she had all the support from the people that were there for her before & didn’t need any help from us!
That was the final kick in the teeth (or so we thought) until we found out she doesn’t want us to know he only has a short time left.
To add to this my real dad died a few months ago- also had cancer which we were never told about. My dm didn’t tell us girls about his death- she informed her bil whose job it was to tell us. She later mentioned in an email to my dsis that apparently she wished she could’ve told us about his illness but that my dd didn’t want anyone to know. I should add that dd was an alcoholic and dm hadn’t had contact with him for approx 30 years. I hadn’t had contact for 20 years.
I am at a loss at what to do or even how to feel (trying not to think about it all tbh). Part of me thinks to drop everything & drive the 200 miles and go to the hospital or just to wait for the ineveitable news & then stress about wether I’d be welcome at the funeral- or do I even want to go?

I think I’d just leave the fuckers to it. Do you really have anything to gain by visiting?

Just leave them to it. You are best rid of them, tbh.

Do you want to restart a relationship with your mum? If not, don't go. It all sounds awful

I wouldn’t go either

Do you actually want to see your stepdad and say goodbye? If so, do it. Are you worried about your M slagging you off further because you didn't go? Don't go for this reason. Your mother sounds extremely toxic and will be critical whatever you do/don't do. You sound very worried and caught up in the toxic game-playing. Have you seen a counsellor or therapist for support for yourself? Sending you these as it sounds like you are having a really difficult time.

I can see no reason whatsoever that you should engage with these toxic people for either the last days or the funeral.
Give yourself permission to disregard.

I don't understand why you're torn about this. Your mother has made it absolutely clear she doesn't want you to even know about his death, let alone get involved. If you feel your stepdad would like you to visit and that you owe him that much courtesy then do it, for him and yourself regardless of what your mother thinks, but I don't get the impression that is the case? They would surely not have kept you out of their lives for over a decade if they actually cared.

Ignore those earnest but uninformed people who will comment to the effect that nothing could keep them from their dying dad's bedside etc. This is not their life and your SD is not their dad. I was very fond of my dad, and I did visit him just before he died, but if he hadn't wanted me to or had no interest in me being there I wouldn't have.

Do what you feel is best for you.
Forget everyone and everything else and focus on your wants and needs.

You are not going to be able to win either way with your dm by the sounds of things so i wouldnt even consider her or her thoughts when it comes to your decision.

Sorry to be a bit blunt here, but I don’t really understand why you would even consider going to see him. It sounds as if they don’t want you there and you don’t want to go.

They sound horrible btw. I’ve lost a loved one in horrible circumstances. It doesn’t give me the right to behave like a twat to the rest of my family, which, I’m afraid to say, is how it sounds your mum is being just at the moment.

No, it's perfectly Ok not to go. He might say something mean or demeaning with his last breath just to get the final word in, then you'd have to live with that as opposed to remember him as he was when he was at his best. For him, you showing up at the death bed would in all likelihood not bring neither comfort or consolidation to a dying man, he'd be better off being with people who actually liked him.

It's very hard to understand if you haven't been in this situation but I do understand.

Forget your mum - what do you want? Is it important for you to see him and say goodbye? If so, go. If it's not, that's okay too.

Hi OP
So sorry for the awful way you have been treated.
Only go if you want to .this is about you and how you feel.
If you don't go(i wouldn't in your position)don't feel guilty as there's nothing to feel guilty about.whilst all the vitriol has come from your dm your dss could have separately contacted you if he wanted contact.
If you go,don't go alone as no doubt there will be a frosty reception from dm which will further hurt you.
Nobody would blame you at all if you don't go.look after yourself,you lost your dd and despite nc he was still your dad so be kind to yourself.

I don’t understand why you’re even thinking of going to see him / them
Your mother has made it plain she doesn’t want you around
So leave her to live and get on with your own life
They sound awful

Leave her to it ^^

Why bother. You've had nothing to do with them for years.

I wouldn’t bother, if you’ve had nothing to do with them for years why would you turn up when one is on here death bed? They don’t want you in there lives, so don’t be in it, let them get on with it. Sorry to be so blunt, I don’t like all this people not talking for how ever many years but then turning up when someone is dying.
It would be a wasted journey, I’m sure your mother would ask you to leave anyway.

I could understand you wanting to go, if there was a vestige of affection left for him from previous happy times, but it sounds like you weren't really given any happy times to remember. Is it from a feeling of duty, that you 'ought' to go and see him?

If there isn't really any impulse to go and say goodbye, I don't think you should feel obliged, however, if you think it would provide some sort of 'closure', or if you think you will regret not going, then you must do it.

So sorry you have this going on op.
Think about why you would want to go..
To get answers? Unlikely
To say goodbye? Why is this important? Because you did not get the chance with your own df?
To pay respects? Look at the word respect...really?
Because it is expected? Hmmm
Because you really loved him and want to say goodbye? This would be the only reason.
Because dm has been spinning a yarn about her terrible family to everyone and you want to show her up for her lies? Good, but not good enough.

Your dm will love the drama, she knows by telling bil you will find out. Look at why you have the desire to go and then decide. If you do go, wear your flack jacket as dm will not be easy to handle.

I wouldn't go. They have been very hurtful towards u and even now your mum is carrying it on. I wouldn't bother with eother of them and ad horriable as it is I would point out to my mum that if she dont want me to help now dont expect to want to know me when her husband isnt herr anymore. She made things the way they are, and she isn't even trying to sort it out with u now things have gone this way.

If he didn't give you time of day in the living years, I doubt he'd want to see you when's he's on his deathbed. So I'd do nothing, your Mam sounds volatile, so I'd have a good think about how to handle her once has has passed.

Thank you all for your comments.
I guess it wasn’t a serious consideration to go & visit him- just a fleeting thought that perhaps I ought (yes, borne out of duty). And it was more to support my dm as despite the vile way she has behaved over the years I would help her if she needed it (she doesn’t drive and is unable to get to the hospital. He was in for 2 weeks before and she couldn’t visit once). I guess I should shake off any feelings of duty and let them get in with their lives whilst I get in with mine. They clearly don’t want us in it!
@bastardkitty thank you I had counselling this summer after dd died- things just bubbled to the surface. It’s difficult feeling unwanted.